what to do? i am so torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
what to do? i am so torn
2
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:21pm
my boyfriend and i have been together for the past 6 months. we are each other's first loves and firsts (sexually). i've gotten so attached to him, because he has became part of my daily life. lately i've noticed that he doesn't seem so eager to see me like he used to. so a lot of times he wouldn't call, wouldn't hang out with me, which makes me very upset. so when we are finally together, i am still upset with him that it ruins the whole fun. we still have fun, but a lot of the times it seems the relationship has gotten too dense and needy, that i wasn't getting enough and he's had enough.

finally last night online i asked him if he needed a little space. he said yes, and suggested on taking a break. although at first i was quite taken back, but somehow it wasn't too shocking because i've been contemplating with the idea subconsciously. i understood that we are still young, and a relationship shouldn't be a burden in which we loose ourselves. we still need to find what we want, who we are, and have fun. he suggested that we lessen the emphasis of "dating" in our relationship, but we agreed we are still together.

second morning he still picked me up (to school). he walked me to my classes and kissed me etc... just like we always do. but all the while, i feel like something's changed, even though not physically. the fact that we still act the same, but we are not, really confuses me. none of us really know what this break defines. so finally i asked him, what are we doing? i am so confused. so we are on a "break" that doesn't make a difference. i thought it would've been a good idea, but right now im just even more upset. i don't know what to do. i told him he needs to figure out what he wants, because i can't just pretend we are on a break but everything's ok, because in the end it doesn't make a difference and we are just fooling ourselves. i also told him that he can take as much time as he needs to figure it out, and that i am willing to work things out with him.

but i am miserable. i am crying and shaking, can't believe this has happened. it all happened so fast... i love him, i want to be with him, but not if he's not in it with me. the fact that he wants some space away from me makes me realize that this love isn't invincible. he has insecurities about his feelings towards me. just because he loves me, doesn't mean he can give me 100% back to what i give him 110%. i don't want that. it's not fair to me and i deserve better than that. i want a love in which i wouldn't feel i'm hungry for love all the time, that he can't give me enough love. i want what i had, that confident guy who said he loves me more than i love him.

so basically i am willing to work things out, if i can have him loving me without his doubts. it doesn't matter how long it would take, as long as if i know one day we can truly realize what we mean to each other, im willing to wait. but i can't stay if it could never be the same... if it'll always be an imbalance in the way we feel about each other.

i haven't told him about my dillema yet. as far as i know, i am letting him take his time and find out what he wants. but what should i do? any suggestions or comments? anyone have experienced similiar situations?

its hard to imagine a life without him. i guess even if i give up now, i am hoping one day when timing is right we can get back together. i've heard "there are other fish in the sea" so many times, but i really thought i'd already found my perfect fish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:39pm
I assume that you're either in highschool or college, but either way I was struck by how much you sound like I did about 12 years ago. I ended up marrying my first love and high school sweetheart. But, please don't necessarily use that to hang your hope on. As a matter of fact, I wish there was an ivillage back then- it would have saved me a lot of heart break. All I can say is that you have to decide where your happiness lies and how much you value yourself. You said that you are waiting for him to decide what he wants. I'd rather that you make the decision as to what you want. If you want to be with him, fine, but remember that you deserve happiness as much as anyone else. Also know that nobody else is going to hand you the happiness you want- you have to go out and get it. However, you are young and there is no need to decide where this relationship is going today. Take some time to be good to yourself- go out with friends and concentrate on what makes you happy and know that no matter what happens you will be strong enough to handle it. Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 9:38pm
thanks for your reply. yes i've been thinking about it, and with the help of a friend with a clear mind, i finally verbalized what i want.

i want to be with him, but only if he wants to be with me. if he can't give me 100% when im giving him 110%, then i won't compromise my feelings. i would have to let go. i love him but its not fair. it would be tough, but i won't be left hanging.

im hoping he would truly want to work it out. meanwhile im giving him as much time as he needs.