Need others opinions, PLEASE.
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Need others opinions, PLEASE.
| Wed, 12-10-2003 - 10:25am |
My boyfriend/ex-husband and I are trying to work things out. We are seeing a relationship coach, reading books, taking dance classes together, etc... We are living together with two kids. Things are great between us except we keep having the same arguement and its never a small one. Its about a female friend of his. Before he decided he wanted to work on our relationship he was trying to decide if he would rather pursue things with her. He decided to work things out with me. He wanted to go on an out of town trip with her though. It was something I was not ready to support. So instead of actually going together, while he was working out of state she ended up joining him. He says she really wanted to see a performance that he was going to so he picked her up from the airport. They ended up staying in the same hotel room. He says nothing happened while they were there and on this I truly believe him. He of course told me this only after I asked all of the right questions. I told him when he got home if he wanted to work on us then she needed to go away. He informed her of this but she still calls him and e-mails him. I found out yesterday that they met up at Jamba juice. He didn't volunteer this information though and he originally told me they ran into each other while at the school library. What really happened is that she called him. Apparently her uncle died and she wanted to talk. And honestly I would have been okay with it if he could have just told me that, but once again I had to play 20 questions to find out about it. Everytime he gets around her he seems to lie to me. He says its because he knows he will get in trouble for seeing her. He told me last night that he is tired of keeping her out of his life. She is a good friend and he is going to start hanging out with her again. So basically either I accept it or move on with my life. As I said all other areas of our relationship are going great right now. I don't really want to end things over this. He considers me not wanting him to see her as choosing his friends and being controlling. He says I need to learn some coping skills. He has cheated on me once before. I'm afraid he will do it again. He says he is in this relationship 100% and she isn't worth messing things up but I just don't know how to trust him. I feel that if she wasn't worth messing up our relationship then he would be able to say good bye to her. Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I try talking to her and see where she stands? Should I stick to wanting her out of his life and walk away from him because he is not willing to do that? Any suggestions or comments would be great! Sorry this is so long. Thanks you!

I don't agree with talking to her - I just think that it will do more harm than good. By going to her directly, you will clearly illustrate to your boyfriend/ex-husband, that you don't trust him at all. I think the fact that he habitually lies to you about when & where he sees her - only validates the fact that there is something more than a friendship going on here. Talking to her would only support your suspicions.
If I were you - I would continue in my stance about him ending his relationship with her. Since you guys are seeking professional counseling - I would definitely bring this up in a counseling session. Perhaps the influence of a person on the outside (the therapist) can assist him is seeing how disrespectful his relationship with this other woman is to you and how it could be very toxic to your relationship. The fact that he said that you need coping classes is absolutely laughable - because if anything, you have been more than understanding in his relationship. Lastly, if he continues to become defensive in his relationship with this other woman, then I would strongly recommend that you consider moving on with your life...without him.
Good luck....
What comes to mind - 10 Stupid Things Couple's Do To Mess Up Their Relationship by Dr Laura, she has a chapter on this topic.
:::He says he is in this relationship 100% and she isn't worth messing things up but I just don't know how to trust him. I feel that if she wasn't worth messing up our relationship then he would be able to say good bye to her.
You are so right. Maybe couple's counseling is in order and the counslor can tell him or you finding a male friend and spending a night in a hotel with him, I'm sure your man wouldn't feel the same way about your choices as he feels about his.
Something about this woman - he likes her, he likes her attention, he likes being needed by her and heck, if things don't work out with the two of you then he can fall back on her. Also, if she's such a good friend, why haven't you met her or been included in EVERY get together? Because he has something to hide, just like the phone calls and the lack of honesty about when they do see each other.
How sad for you.
Carrie
My husband has had a VERY close female friend for a long time. He has never cheated on me, not even close, but the relationship somehow began to make me uneasy. I eventually told him that if the friendship with her was to continue without me objecting, it was only going to be AFTER he brought her to our house (we had the kids stay at their aunt's for the evening) and had dinner with us, where he very politely and gently explained that I was having some misgivings about their relationship and needed to be reassured that it was in no way a threat to our marriage. I assured her that it wasn't a reflection on her, and that I in no way was making any accusations or assumptions about her, but that I loved my husband very much and was just feeling a little insecure and uneasy about where she saw this friendship going. I admit, it was risky, and could have been a very ugly scene, but fortunately, everyone was very adult about the whole thing, and I have the reassurance of knowing that I have a better understanding of their friendship, and that I wasn't just some faceless name that he mentioned to her. By him being there as well, it was made clear that he supported me and was concerned for my feelings and needs (rather than me approaching her by myself, and seeming like I was attacking her in some way). I have found that women (ones who you should trouble yourself in knowing, in any event) have a much harder time betraying someone that they know personally, so making myself real and human to her comforted me enormously. If after assuring him that you will be respectful and kind to his friend he isn't willing to bring her home, then you need to question what the true nature of their "friendship" is. Friends want their friends marriages to be happy, and are pleased to be invited into their families homes. Most "girlfriends" on the other hand, wouldn't take well to an invitation to the family barbeque with the wife and kids....
Just a suggestion, hope it helps. Angela
Well, I think if you want this to work out in the end you will need to accept their friendship.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
I know that your mama did not raise any fools! I wouldn't waste another second with this loser. Please go back and read both of your posts as if a friend of yours had written it. Then honestly ask yourself what advice you would give. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to see it clearly. You are being played like a fiddle and wasting your precious time on a proven cheater who hides his rendezvous with his female 'friend'. Wake up and smell the coffee before you get burned (again). Try giving yourself as least as much consideration as you do him and you will be insulted by having to share this man. And if you think that you aren't sharing him, you are so sadly mistaken.
Renee