Need others opinions, PLEASE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Need others opinions, PLEASE.
10
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 10:25am
My boyfriend/ex-husband and I are trying to work things out. We are seeing a relationship coach, reading books, taking dance classes together, etc... We are living together with two kids. Things are great between us except we keep having the same arguement and its never a small one. Its about a female friend of his. Before he decided he wanted to work on our relationship he was trying to decide if he would rather pursue things with her. He decided to work things out with me. He wanted to go on an out of town trip with her though. It was something I was not ready to support. So instead of actually going together, while he was working out of state she ended up joining him. He says she really wanted to see a performance that he was going to so he picked her up from the airport. They ended up staying in the same hotel room. He says nothing happened while they were there and on this I truly believe him. He of course told me this only after I asked all of the right questions. I told him when he got home if he wanted to work on us then she needed to go away. He informed her of this but she still calls him and e-mails him. I found out yesterday that they met up at Jamba juice. He didn't volunteer this information though and he originally told me they ran into each other while at the school library. What really happened is that she called him. Apparently her uncle died and she wanted to talk. And honestly I would have been okay with it if he could have just told me that, but once again I had to play 20 questions to find out about it. Everytime he gets around her he seems to lie to me. He says its because he knows he will get in trouble for seeing her. He told me last night that he is tired of keeping her out of his life. She is a good friend and he is going to start hanging out with her again. So basically either I accept it or move on with my life. As I said all other areas of our relationship are going great right now. I don't really want to end things over this. He considers me not wanting him to see her as choosing his friends and being controlling. He says I need to learn some coping skills. He has cheated on me once before. I'm afraid he will do it again. He says he is in this relationship 100% and she isn't worth messing things up but I just don't know how to trust him. I feel that if she wasn't worth messing up our relationship then he would be able to say good bye to her. Does anyone have any suggestions? Should I try talking to her and see where she stands? Should I stick to wanting her out of his life and walk away from him because he is not willing to do that? Any suggestions or comments would be great! Sorry this is so long. Thanks you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:29am
I completely agree with you and that he should end the "relationship" with his "platonic" friend. From reading your message - I get the impression that he basically wants you to condone having a RWB (relationship with benefits) with her as well as you. While he claims that there is nothing going on - I believe from her point of view, it's a relationship.

I don't agree with talking to her - I just think that it will do more harm than good. By going to her directly, you will clearly illustrate to your boyfriend/ex-husband, that you don't trust him at all. I think the fact that he habitually lies to you about when & where he sees her - only validates the fact that there is something more than a friendship going on here. Talking to her would only support your suspicions.

If I were you - I would continue in my stance about him ending his relationship with her. Since you guys are seeking professional counseling - I would definitely bring this up in a counseling session. Perhaps the influence of a person on the outside (the therapist) can assist him is seeing how disrespectful his relationship with this other woman is to you and how it could be very toxic to your relationship. The fact that he said that you need coping classes is absolutely laughable - because if anything, you have been more than understanding in his relationship. Lastly, if he continues to become defensive in his relationship with this other woman, then I would strongly recommend that you consider moving on with your life...without him.

Good luck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 2:29pm
How sad that someone that is interested in him, really interested in him, he's unwilling to give up to really give your relationship a chance. He's playing with fire, he's played before and got burned....what does he think is different this time?

What comes to mind - 10 Stupid Things Couple's Do To Mess Up Their Relationship by Dr Laura, she has a chapter on this topic.

:::He says he is in this relationship 100% and she isn't worth messing things up but I just don't know how to trust him. I feel that if she wasn't worth messing up our relationship then he would be able to say good bye to her.

You are so right. Maybe couple's counseling is in order and the counslor can tell him or you finding a male friend and spending a night in a hotel with him, I'm sure your man wouldn't feel the same way about your choices as he feels about his.

Something about this woman - he likes her, he likes her attention, he likes being needed by her and heck, if things don't work out with the two of you then he can fall back on her. Also, if she's such a good friend, why haven't you met her or been included in EVERY get together? Because he has something to hide, just like the phone calls and the lack of honesty about when they do see each other.

How sad for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 3:26pm
It all sounded pretty much ok until we got to this--he cheated on me before. His right to tell you to get "some coping skills" about his female friends who he is lying to you about, and staying in the same hotel room with when out of town (when it was agreed she wasn't even supposed to be in the same CITY) and generally making his inability to be honest and commited your problem ENDED when he cheated on you the first time. Until your marriage is on SOLID ground, and you aren't trying to get things back together, and needing counseling and interventions to stay married, then his refusal to modify his behavior with this "friend" is simply not acceptable.

My husband has had a VERY close female friend for a long time. He has never cheated on me, not even close, but the relationship somehow began to make me uneasy. I eventually told him that if the friendship with her was to continue without me objecting, it was only going to be AFTER he brought her to our house (we had the kids stay at their aunt's for the evening) and had dinner with us, where he very politely and gently explained that I was having some misgivings about their relationship and needed to be reassured that it was in no way a threat to our marriage. I assured her that it wasn't a reflection on her, and that I in no way was making any accusations or assumptions about her, but that I loved my husband very much and was just feeling a little insecure and uneasy about where she saw this friendship going. I admit, it was risky, and could have been a very ugly scene, but fortunately, everyone was very adult about the whole thing, and I have the reassurance of knowing that I have a better understanding of their friendship, and that I wasn't just some faceless name that he mentioned to her. By him being there as well, it was made clear that he supported me and was concerned for my feelings and needs (rather than me approaching her by myself, and seeming like I was attacking her in some way). I have found that women (ones who you should trouble yourself in knowing, in any event) have a much harder time betraying someone that they know personally, so making myself real and human to her comforted me enormously. If after assuring him that you will be respectful and kind to his friend he isn't willing to bring her home, then you need to question what the true nature of their "friendship" is. Friends want their friends marriages to be happy, and are pleased to be invited into their families homes. Most "girlfriends" on the other hand, wouldn't take well to an invitation to the family barbeque with the wife and kids....

Just a suggestion, hope it helps. Angela

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 8:51am
Thanks to everyone that replied to my message. I have met this girl. We went bowling together one time as a group and she came over here one day to watch movies with us. Of course we got in an arguement about her two seconds before she knocked on the door so it was a very unpleasant time. My boyfriend invited me to go with him to a restaurant last night with one of his classes from school. It has a separate section for dancing. We walked into the room and there she was sitting at a table. I knew there was a possiblity that she would be there, he told me that ahead of time. But I still really wanted to just turn around and walk right back out to my car. But I know if I'm going to make things work with him I'm going to have to find a way to accept her. So I stayed and we joined her at her table. I ended up having a really good time. At the end of the night he asked me if he could dance with her. I said I would prefer not. I wasn't ready to sit and watch them dance together. He acted like he was ok with it. But I found out later that he isn't. He feels he shouldn't have to ask me in the first place and that he would have been dancing in front of me so I could watch them to make sure nothing happened so I should have been ok with it. I see his point but I also knew that I didn't want to watch them dance. When he did ask me, I felt that he was respecting me and my feelings. But now that he is upset about it, I'm back to wondering why I even tried to stay in the same room with her. She is actually a very nice person. I just don't know how to trust them. Especially, when I know they were interested in being more than friends with each other before he decided he wanted to make things with me work. He is putting a lot of effort into our relationship. That's something he wouldn't normally do. I don't want to end things just because I want her out of his life but I can't figure out how to accept it. Right now I want to call her and see if she will meet with me so I can tell her why I feel the way I do. He says I'm jeolous and need to just grow up. But that has nothing to do with it. I would like to know if she can understand where I'm coming from and if she even cares about how I feel. Would I be wrong in calling her to see if she will meet with me? Am I wrong for wanting to try to make things work with someone that isn't willing to look at things from my perspective? This is the only thing that is wrong in our relationship right now. Everything else is great. He was even holding my hand and hugging me and stuff in front of her last night. And he did only ask to dance one dance with her and I'm glad he asked me. But now he is pissed that he felt he had to ask and even more pissed that I said "only if you feel you have to". Once again, sorry this is so long. I don't know what to do right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:08am

Well, I think if you want this to work out in the end you will need to accept their friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:32pm
Smileymouse,

I know that your mama did not raise any fools! I wouldn't waste another second with this loser. Please go back and read both of your posts as if a friend of yours had written it. Then honestly ask yourself what advice you would give. Sometimes you have to step away from a situation to see it clearly. You are being played like a fiddle and wasting your precious time on a proven cheater who hides his rendezvous with his female 'friend'. Wake up and smell the coffee before you get burned (again). Try giving yourself as least as much consideration as you do him and you will be insulted by having to share this man. And if you think that you aren't sharing him, you are so sadly mistaken.

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:12pm
Thanks for your response. I know a lot of people will think I'm crazy but, I know he is definitely not cheating on me right now. He learned from the last experience and he has way to much too lose if he does. I'm afraid that there will be a day when he no longer cares about what he will lose. I'm also afraid of letting myself be drawn in again by him just to have him ends things with me to go be with her. But I'm positive he has not cheated on me since the last girl. That was a year ago. I just don't know how to get the trust back. I don't know how to let him know how important it is to me that he is honest and totally open with me. And that he volunteers the information without me having to pry it out of him. He always says he knows I'll get upset but it makes me even madder when I find out that he lied to me about something instead of just telling me. He is terrible at lying because he has a terrible memory. He doesn't remember what he does and doesn't tell me. He also talks in his sleep. Anyways, I just wanted to say that I know he has not cheated on me with this girl. What if I made up a list of what I think I can and can't handle from them? Would that be too controlling? Should I just sit back and see how I fit into his life now without putting all of the limits on things? Then decide if I can handle that or not? I have so many things running around in my head right now. Am I crazy for trying to make this work? Sorry for jabbering!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:19pm
Thank you very much for your response. You had a lot of good ideas that I will definitely put to use. We have a lot of good going for us and I need to make sure I know that I did everything in my power to make things work before I walk away. We have an eleven year history and I have told him that if we end things this time I'm walking away for good. And when I finally make up my mind to do something I always stick to it. If she is really just a friend and nothing more, I don't want to walk away from him. I just don't know how to figure that one out because I don't trust him right now. And I don't know if she is a trustworthy person and will respect the fact that he is with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:06pm
Ok. So I was the stupid one. I found out today that they haven't actually slept together but they did kiss and make out to the point that pants came unzipped. Everyone kept telling me to go with my instinct and I just kept blowing it all off. I wanted so much to trust him again and make things work. We were doing really well the last couple weeks. I guess it happened when they first met. She knew I existed though and apparently that didn't stop either of them. He says that is the only time and they have decided that they will just be friends. But it apparently took them fooling around and lying to me about for them to realize that there wasn't really anything between them. We'll this is the second time he has done something like this and I finally broke things off today. Boy do I feel stupid. Of course he wants to still work things out with me but he isn't willing to give up her friendship. That tells me exactly where I fit in at. I really thought he was serious about wanting things to work this time, but apparently he would rather think with the thing between his legs instead of his head. I really can't believe he did this and I can't believe that I almost asked him if they stopped things because of me and if he would have said yes, I would have just tried to ignore everything else. Well thanks for everyones time and opinions. I should have just listened to my instincts instead of my heart!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 4:39pm
oh wow i am so sorry to hear this has happened. well you did the right thing in ending this. he does not deserve you nor your tolerance, or wanting to make it work. it must be hard but i think you saw clearly this time, and followed your instincts. well, good luck, and we are always here if you need to talk.