What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
What would you do?
18
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:11am
My bf and I have been together for three years and I want to get married. We have joint accounts, I have him on my benefits (because his suck), we bought a luxury car together, are getting ready to move into a house we are buying together. He is a father figure to my son and his daughter comes over every other weekend to stay with us and she and I are very close. I feel like we have done everything but get married. Last year I went with him to his family reunion and everyone thought we were married I was so embarrassed. I told him I am not going with him this year unless we are at least engaged. The thing is he keeps saying he wants to get married too, but that I am pressuring him. I don't want to pressure him, but I don't want to sit back and wait forever. I also want to have a baby and I will be 36 next year and my son is already ten years old. We love each other very much and our relationship is great, I just want us to make it official. He took me to the jewelry store to pick out the type of ring one day this summer, I thougt the ring would soon follow but that was six months ago and nothing. When I tell him how I feel, he said I see you're really serious about this and I'm going to take care of you, but he doesn't do anything. I feel like I shouldn't go any further with our relationship, because he's probably never going to marry me and I don't want to wait forever. Or play mommy to a little girl that is not my step-child and the same for my son. I've already gotten myself in this far, and now I don't know what to do. I know an ultimatum wont work and I don't want to give him one, but I feel I should do something, but I don't know what. Help!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 8:09am
What can I say? You're already giving him all the benefits of marriage without the commitment. What is the incentive for him to marry you? There isn't one. I think the only way you are going to get this guy to make a decision about marriage or no marriage is to cut off the benefits. Then he will either leave you or marry you. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:08am

I dont beleive the answer to this is giving ultimatums.I think in the end not only will you not be married, but lose what sounds to be a great guy. Does he love, care and providee for you in every other way, because i never heard you complain about anything lese once.? Does he treat your child with love and respect? Is he faithful, honest and dignified?


If he is all things and more, then what is a ring going to matter?Love is a rare and beautiful thing.People would goe to the end of the earth to find what seems like you have found. Dont let it walk out of your life because the only thing you are lacking is a ring and peice of paper.


If its something that you think you can only go on in the relationship with, and that everything else will fall apart, and you two will no longer be committed to each other, then you know what you need to do.You have already told him how you feel about.


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 11:49am
An ultimatum is not a bad thing if you are serious about your actions and carry through. If it is a useless threat then don't do it. If you really want to be married and will be unhappy without the marriage certificate and would rather leave then be with him forever without it, then tell him.

Tell him to either buy the ring and plan the date or leave.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:53pm

You are absolutely right. You are living with this man and playing step mother to his child - but he is not providing you with what you need and deserve - the respect and committment of marriage. It is unfair of him to dangle you along in this way and then accuse you of pressuring him. You have every right and responsibility to yourself to set a deadline by which time if you are not married, you are out of there. This is your life and your time is precious. There is no reason to waste it with someone who has no intention of getting married - but just wants the benefits of living together and all the rest without providing you the security you desire. You are not pressuring him, but claiming what is rightfully yours. I would set a deadline, let him know that if the decision isn't made by then, it's over. And I would keep to it. Time does not go backwards, and especially if you want a child, you don't have forever to sit around in this situation. If he doesn't come forward and marry you, then you are well out of this. And even perhaps he is not all the person you thought he was.


Keep your eyes open, and take good care of yourself (and your child). You deserve a real marriage with respect and consideration.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:55pm
Watch Anger Management with him.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:19pm

Honey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it!


After reading your post,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 6:06pm

My problem with this is one thing: why do you "have" to have this in order to be happy?

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 6:53pm
Very good point about going on to the next phase. I think the BF may be very nervous that "everything will change after the wedding".

My husband and I lived together for several years before we got married and when we were planning the wedding, I cannot tell you how many people told me "everything will change after the wedding".

My husband and I talked a lot about this and we came to the conclusion that a lot of people have different expections about their roles and their relationship after they marry so the relationship changes because they start acting differently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:18pm
When I read your advice I felt it in my stomach like YES This is what I have to do. It never occurred to me to do that. That's a great way to see if he's serious without issuing an ultimatum. I really do want to be married and I'm not going to be fully happy without that regardless of what we have I want that commitment. I'm gong to read the rest of the posts but your advice is what I am definitly going to try. Thanks for sharing!

Skyy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:23pm
The Adam Sandler movie?

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