Getting over the past

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Getting over the past
7
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:31am
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 8 years now. We started very young, I'm going on 26 and he's 24 and we're planning on a 2005 wedding. If any of you remember, I'm the one who was asking how to get over our breakup that happened about 3 years ago. We were fighting a lot and barely having sex and he decided that he wanted to "take a break." I was devastated, but I sort of understood because he had never had another relationship before and I was the only one he's ever slept with. He ended up having sex with 3 women (yes, the wierdo told me) and he began going out a lot. I saw a huge change in him, his confidence was up, he realized how cute he was and he seemed so much more mature. I made the mistake of letting him see me after a while and we were still having sex and I began seeing other people as well. After about 3 months, he wanted me back and after a while and a few counseling sessions, I took him back.

Well, the point is; that was THREE years ago. Why do I sometimes think about it and picture him with them and I begin to cry. I still bring it up sometimes and we fight about it, but then he says he's sorry and it shouldn't matter because we're getting married and he loves me and he came back to me. Why am I feeling like this? Is this normal? Sometimes I feel so dumb for taking him back, but I can't imagine life without him. Am I looking for reasons to hate him? PLEASE HELP!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:15pm
what you may be thinking is the "he did it once, he can do it again" type of thing...

and when the subject of breaking up comes up again, it reinforces it.

is he giving you any reason to doubt him? bad arguments, any remarks said? anything he does or says to make you doubt that he's in this 100%?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:34pm

As you both became involved with each other at such a young age, it is understandable that you would both need and want to see other people before making a life long committment. Not only he, but you also slept with others. There is no reason to hate or blame either him or yourself for this. If you are bringing it up now, and getting upset about it, perhaps this is a mask for other feelings you are having. He did not lie to you or cheat on you. Everything was out in the open. You both agreed to have time to date. Perhaps you have your own fears about marriage (which is normal), and that is why you are fixing on this. Often before a marriage, everything comes up. If you love each other and are happy together, I would let this go. There is no wrong doing here on either part. If you cannot let it go, I suggest you seek professional counselling about why this is bothering you so much now and whatever else may be going on.


All best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 12:42pm
Maybe you should go back to counseling to vent these feelings. I think it's normal for you to have the feelings, as his behavior made you feel you weren't good enough, that he had to experience other women in order to know he wanted to be with you. Try another premarital counseling session.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 1:14pm
That's the thing, I'm so sure that he would never do it again. That's what makes me so confused. I just have a hard time believing that he even had the courage to sleep with other women, because he was sort of shy then. When I bring it up, he doesn't get upset at all and he says he'll do whatever he can to help me get over it.

I know that it will never happen again, so this is why I'm stuck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 1:18pm
Thank you so much. I agree that we should go to counseling again and I'm sure that he's willing to go. You made me feel much better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:25am
hi! by the message you wrote that he told you the truth AND did say that he's willing to do anything to make you feel better, well i think that's sweet & he has nothing to hide from you. you said it yourself that you were surprised he had the guts to do what he did, maybe that's why you're bothered? perhaps it's the idea that you never saw this side of him? hope you guys develop a more stronger relationship after what you went through :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:44am
Thank you very much for your response. We did actually have a stronger relationship after that happened. When we first got back together, we were so different. He seemed so mature and he seemed like he loved me so much more and we were able to talk about what happened without arguing. We did get closer, so in a tiny tiny way I'm happy that it happened. I need to just get over it.