EXES

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
EXES
8
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 1:10pm
I am new to this board, I will try to keep it short. The only reason I am even doing this now is because I am bored and sick and stuck at home, so there isn't really anything else to do...

I am deeply, madly, in love with my boyfriend that I have been seeing for almost two years now. We have lived together for a few months, and I just want to know what everyone else here thinks....

We are both divorced. He was almost married for 10 yrs to his hs sweetheart and she cheated on him and broke his heart. He is an aboslutely wonderful man, but seems to have this flaw....HER!!!!

I, being divorced myself, understand that it is only natural to want to know how your ex is doing, especially if you really loved them and didn't want the realationship to end... I talk to my ex every once in a while, by that I mean once or twice in a few months, but my boyfriend and his ex talk almost every day,at least 3 or 4 times a week... and it drives me crazy.... He is an honest man, never has done anything to make me not trust him, so when he says he is just talking to her, I beleive him...anyway, we live in a mid size town where it would be easy to know if he was lying or not, but that's not the issue...the issue is that they talk everyday, mostly because he says she needs someone to talk to. She has a boyfriend, plenty of friends, mother, brother, etc...I don't understand why they have to talk every day if it is only to "BS" as he says....

I love this man, and I am still here with him, and this one thing doesn't seem enough to loose him over, but we fight about it all the time. He is tired of it, and so am I, but he won't quit talking to her, he's made that perfectly clear. In fact, he told me when we began seeing each other that he would always talk to her, I just figured it would fizzle out after the two of us got so serious. Anyway, I just thought I would see what kind of response I could get because I am totally frazzled. It is the only thing we fight about, but I hate it that I have come to dislike someone I haven't even met because they talk so much...any advise? Oh and I forgot to mention we live together and that is mainly why it really bothers me. She doesn't call the house, just his cell, but she calls a lot, at night, when we are out of town, and most of the time, if I am there he doesn't talk to her, but anyway...just thought I would add that in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:02pm
Wise up...he loves her. He's committed, invested...and she violated his standards. But he's deeply committed, deeply in love...and wants to remain in contact so that if her values change - he knows about it.

She, on the other hand, phones him constantly behind your back for the attention. She lacks self-esteem and doesn't live by values...as evidenced by the cheating....and she's continuing to take actions that indicate that reality still exists.


She wants to know that she's desired, admired, wanted, and prioritized - he's doing that by talking to her.

He's playing by "rules" - he doesn't call her and therefore what he's doing isn't "wrong".....is that what youo're told, or what you're telling yourself?

Incorrect...while it is not "wrong" to talk with her about her problems....what is "wrong" is to be emotionally invested and involved with her inappropriately and that is precisely what he is.

He's playing by rules - he tells you she calls, he's not hiding his attachment or involvement and in claiming it is platonic - he might be in denial to himself there i smore involved and if that is true, how could he tell you otherwise - he couldn't! He doesn't initiate...but he doesn't quite likely, tell her the truth. That she's lacking in self-awareness and self-responsibility - that the situations and circumstances in her life are a result of her actions and if she wants life changes - she's got to change the values that justify her actions.

He's telling her how sorry he is that she hurts, how unfair a particular situation is regarding her - none of that will do anything but cement her position that he's the person to continue to contact to "feel better while being required to do nothing about changing her life situation".....because he loves her, he's invested in her, he's commmitted to her...and he'll do whatever he thinks is right and appropriate - justified and entitled to do - by HIS values....which dictate his actions...and those actions indicate in every way that he's committed, emotionally attached, and in some capacity, in love with her.

People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values and priorities justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desores. Those same values determine their character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.

She violated his code, his rules, his standards...he won't be thought of as a fool for staying with someone who cheated on him. He won't remain cuckholded in a relationship. But...he hasn't severed his emotional involvement, investment, tie, bond, his hopes and dreams for their future and their relationship - as evidenced by his willingness to continually involve himself daily in her life - espite the fact they have no children.

If they have kids...there is some merit to being involved daily with a spouse and those kids...and depending on the age of the kids, there would be lots of 1-on-1 with the ex-spouse.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:05pm

I'm all for being friends with an ex after enough time has passed, but that level of contact would bug me too!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:40pm
I don't even know where to start.

He is getting something out of being involved in her life to the degree that he is. They are both emotionally attached, but sorry it's much deeper than 'just friends' - having close friends, I have to say, I don't talk to any of them 3-4 times a week, at night only, only on their cell phone.....

You wrote:

She doesn't call the house, just his cell, but she calls a lot, at night, when we are out of town, and most of the time, if I am there he doesn't talk to her

Because they hide this closeness from you and her boyfriend. It's partially a secret. He may or may not be in love with her, but he IS attached to her. He hides what they talk about by not talking in front of you, calls at night, hmm isn't that your time with him after his day at work, all of this is rude in my opinion.

He won't hear anything you have to say about it. So either you have to meet her and become her friend or move on. Dr Laura's book 10 things couples do to mess up their relationship comes to mind, but I'm sure he won't care.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 3:06pm
I agree with what everyone has said so far, problem is he can't see that...sometimes they do talk in front of me, and I even suggested, having them (the ex and boyfriend) over, but of course it didn't go over so well with him...

It just bugs me and I guess if I really want anything to come of it, I have to make decsion... because he obviously won't. It just sucks though because I believe that we are made for each other and that he is my soulmate, I didn't even feel that way about my ex husband. I just wanted to see what kind of response I would get, and as I thought, so far, what I feel is true. He is in denial and just can't admit it. So, anyone know what I should do next.... talking about it isn't an option because it results in us not speaking to each other for a day or so....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 3:09pm
Hon, the reason talking doesn't make anything productive happen is because "denial" is in play.

He's not just "lying" to you about his emotional attachment to her. He's in denial to himself that it exists. You can't get him to admit to you...what he won't admit to himself.

That said.....if you're seeking validation or confirmation, if leaving if what you're contemplating, prior to leaving.....you can't get it from him. He'll tell you that he loves you and has never faltered from it, he's been faithful and exclusive, and he wants you in his life. It's ALL TRUE.

The point is....as it is, with denial in the mix,it's not enough for you in terms of partnership and relationship.. And you'll never get validation, affirmation or confirmation that it's not enough for you in those regards - except from yourself.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 3:14pm
counseling? maybe the counselor could point out the unhealthy attachment and the negative effect it is having on your relationship.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 3:24pm
well, the thing is i don't know how to approach that, because he is a very prideful male (typical) and i think if i even suggested it, it would make things worse, although, he's fairly intelligent enough that maybe it would work...i believe what you all have said, i have even told him he's in denial and that maybe he needs to work some of those issues out...but, denial is one of those things that can't be reasoned with...it's sad too because he doesn't see it...i feel like, on one hand, if i leave, she wins..and the more i complain, the more i feel that way, you know, like when you let the kid that is picking on you in school know how you feel, it makes it worse...so i try to ignore it, but then it cycles back around to where they talk more frequently... and it just absolutely drives me crazy...the thing that is even sadder about it is she is a person, under dif. circumstances, that i would be friends with!!! so i at times catch myself feeling sorry for her...but, it's like, he's my boyfriend, she left, she wanted the divorce, so get over it!!! i can say that because i left my ex husband and when i found out he was going to get married again, our contact stopped because i didn't want to do the same thing to his bride to be...sorry to be so winded, like i said, i am sick at home and totally bored and this is the best feedback i have gotten...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: iluvkennychesny
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 3:44pm

Well, if the choice is between leaving and suggesting counseling, what have you got to lose by suggesting it?


Sheri