Example of DH's "mixed up" behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Example of DH's "mixed up" behavior
4
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:05pm

I posted earlier this month about not liking my narcissitic DH and while we do have our very good days, our bad ones are starting to outnumber. (We actually just had a very good day on Tuesday, which was my birthday, but we get on our best behavior and then when the day ends, we fall right back into the same behavioral patterns. My DH said, "We have one good day and then 25 bad ones." Personally, I like to think we have more good days than that.)


The reason for my post is I wanted to

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
ah, back up, I think I see a compromise in the dog/bathroom situation - keep the door closed at all times.

You are not going to get the kind of response from your husband that you want. Read up on NPD - you will see the truth of this. They see nothing outside of themselves, how it effects them, it's all about them!


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I think the man's admission that he was "courting you" and now doesn' thave to says it all.

That everything that you believed was "how he was" - his prioritizing your needs, listening to your conversation, responding to your requests...it was an act. It was done precisely to get you into a relationship -that he wanted on "HIS TERMS" (which is what is in existence now) and he knew that his terms wouldn't have you willing to engage in a relationship with him.

It's easy to let the little things do you in....it's not "it's your dog and why is he in the bathroom" and "please don't leave your papers there" - that's very devisive - something is hsi responsibility and something is your fault. Is there a reason you don't pick up the papers yourself when passing by the bathroom, knowing the dog is going or likely to go in there at some point? Is it becuase you don't want to "mother' him like you used to do? By not just meeting, but anticipating his every need, requirement, request, by facilitating and actually thinking ahead in situations so that there would be no ease, discomfort, trauma, or upset...and now that you've gotten married, you've stopped.

I guess I'm asking...have you done what he's admitted to doing? Because that would cause quite an upset. If both of you were doing for each other - in order to get the commitment and security of commitment....and now that you've both gotten it you now have a different set of values and priorities and standards and your behavior's all reflect it - that would be choatic, to say the least.

meaning, you'd have to assess if the person that each of you is now married to - is someone that you admire, respect, trust, accept and desire to be with as a mate. Because the person you each were (or at least him) was an actor putting on an Oscar winning performance...and what they won is the "security of a commitment with you".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003


I am posting your earlier post for others to read:

I am in a very unhappy situation lately. I don't like my DH. I do love him unconditionally (I married him for a reason), but right now I don't LIKE him. He's been acting like a jerk toward me and our DS and he's been very difficult to live with. Let me give you the example from last night:

I work at home during the day and I attend evening meetings a couple nights a week. Yesterday was an average workday for me and I did manage to get a few things done during the day, including some holiday shopping. He called me when I was shopping and I refused to tell him where I was. If I did, he'd know what I was buying him. He insisted that I tell him where I was because he didn't trust that I was alone. I'll get into this trust issue in a second.

I came home from my meeting last night just before 7 p.m. and he said, "Thanks for leaving me with the laundry mess." I asked, "What laundry mess?" He told me that the clothes were not put away. I said, "Well, you're lucky I folded them." I had done all the laundry during the day and everything was folded neatly in the laundry baskets waiting to be put away. Most people would be grateful that THAT was even done. He saw the negative, not the positive. This is typical.

Later in the evening, our puppy was feeling playful and used her mouth on DH. HE said she bit him, but I know that wasn't the case. She doesn't bite, she plays. DH got very mad and punished her to the outdoors. (We got this puppy in August, but he will say we got her against his will and that he doesn't even want her anymore. This dog is a WHOLE different can of worms. We wouldn't have gotten her if he was this much against it.) Anyway, he always tells her to run away (in front of our DS), but then every morning he's nice to her and pets her and loves her. All of that affection is done when our DS can't see it happening.

When it comes to our DS, I can already see changes in him I don't like. He is starting to do things to please his dad, but not in a good way. When he does something that he knows Dad wouldn't like, he says, "Don't tell dad." DH gives our DS mixed messages. Sometimes he doesn't care what he does. Like at the Thanksgiving dinner table when we had guests over, our DS put a little whipping cream on the tip of his nose. DH laughed. But if he were to do that at any other time, DH would've had a fit and punished our DS. I always tell DH, "Let him be a kid." I'm of the mindset that kids need to make messes and get dirty. That's the fun of being a kid! DH will tell DS that "Boys get dirty." But when DS actually does get dirty, he is punished by DH. See how mixed up this kid is? Wouldn't you be? I get the same sort of mixed messages. One day what I do is fine, but the next day it's wrong. It's so hard to live with a person who can't make up his mind as to what's accepted and what's not.

Back to the trust issue. Our relationship was never built with trust as a foundation. He has a hard time trusting anyone but himself. He doesn't trust me with our money, with my friends, etc. This is a very important underlying cause of why I don't like him right now. I resent him for not trusting me. I resent him for acting mean toward me and our only DS. I feel like he doesn't love me unconditionally and I know that's true because his mom even had strings attached to her love when he was growing up. In his family, they don't know what it means to love unconditionally. She would even tell him she would no longer love him if he did XYZ. How horrible is that? She admits loudly that she was a terrible mother. For a while, I felt bad for my DH, but then I came to the conclusion that he's an adult and can now control what and how he does things, despite his mother.

While I have recognized the underlying issue (trust, or mistrust), I want to get past my feelings of dislike. I have a hard time confronting him, not because I'm afraid, but because he suffers from NPD (narcisstic personality disorder) and everyone else is to blame, not himself. He can't ever see that he has faults. He's perfect and everyone else is abnormal. He's a very difficult person to live with and have a decent relationship with. When I approach him with something he needs to change, he finds a way to turn it around and make it my fault. Then I finally just get to the point where I throw up my hands in disgust and I give up. This is usually after about a week of fighting about the same issue.

Is it even possible to go back to liking him despite his faults and the fact that he doesn't trust me (or anyone)?

He has never had a reason NOT to trust me. He puts ideas into his own head that I am out cheating on him, or that I'm spending all of our money, but I have never come close to either one of those things. I am really not that type of person. I am a decent, loyal, and trustworthy human being. I'm sad that he doesn't see those traits in me. He thinks I'm out to get him, that eventually, I will turn on him and become the horrible person his mind has already made me out to be.

We have seen a counselor in the past. Our last appointment was in October. We've only TOUCHED on some of DH's issues, but like I said, DH sees nothing wrong with himself. The counselor has agreed that he has NPD traits and told me that it's difficult to deal with people who suffer from this disorder.

Unfortunately, I don't see our relationship lasting a lifetime if he isn't able to change the way he feels toward me and how he acts in front of our DS. I am making a counseling appointment today for sometime this month. I may just go by myself to let our counselor know how I really feel about him rather than having my DH tell him what he thinks when we're there together.

Mostly, I just want a relationship in which I am trusted 100% and I can feel loved unconditionally, despite my flaws. I don't feel that way with DH and I don't see any chance he will change. I think eventually, our relationship will just crumble because he hasn't been able to give what I need. I think the relationship will end because he can't think past himself and put some faith in other people. I will finally give up on him because he is treating our DS like nothing he does is right and that he can't be a kid.

DH's brain has taken him far beyond the depths of reality and I'm afraid he'll never be able to get back. I'm afraid that the ideas he's put into his head will haunt him forever, or until I decide this relationship is too much for me to handle. I don't want it to get to that point and I will fight for my relationship with my DH as far as I can.

After all of that. I guess the only thing I am asking you is if you even think it's possible for me to like my DH again? I don't think it will be unless something changes.

Thanks for reading.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
I think it is next to impossible to get away from setting him off. You are in a tough situation. Either you keep your mouth quiet and walk on eggshells or you try to talk about the situation with the dog, etc and hope he doesn't react strongly.

You can't control his reactions though. Hopefully counseling will help. Think long term though about what this is doing to yoru son. Doeshe also live in fear of your husband overreacting and yelling?

You are strongly against divorce but is this a true marriage? Do you have trust and love and 'like' and respect?