pregnant with ryan in a failing relation

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
pregnant with ryan in a failing relation
7
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:27pm
hi,

i am 30 and pregnant with my first child, a boy i call Ryan. His father and i met about a year ago last October and he and i hit it off well. we had great times going out and many nice quite times cuddling watching tv. he was the best friend i ever had. he made me laugh and really listened to me when i talked. he loved to be affectionate and did not care who was around---he would give me little kisses and hold my hand....he "was" my dream come true. we talked about having a child and he wanded me to be a mother, something i always said i wanted. then one day we discussed the mother having a job and a newborn baby...i said i though that the mother should stay home with the young baby for a few months before returning to work. we had a fight over it and he said that he no longer wanted to have a child with me. and wouldn't you know, not long after i turned up pregnant. now all he dose is resent the obligations of being a father again and complains about how much work he will have to do and what an inconvenience to him it is. I cant even talk about the coming baby and at 6 ½ months he has done nothing to prepare for the baby…ie. Baby room, shopping, birth classes…ect. He don’t hold me anymore and he makes me feel guilty about EVERYTHING! Last night we had a fight about him not going to my family Christmas party in two days. I have to go alone and see my whole family …uncles, aunts, cousins and all….alone and pregnant. I feel if he loved me he would go and be there for me. I think he would go if I were not pregnant. Ever since I told him about the baby, he is unhappy, moody, and blaming. We live together with his 16 year old daughter and its not like he is not use to being a dad. i don’t know what happened to the fun, friendly, loving man I had….but he is not that person anymore and I find, even though I love him very much, its more peaceful when I am alone. I don’t know whether to leave him and try to make it on my own, or stay. I grew up with out my dad and I don’t want to have my son grow up with out his, but I don’t think I have much of a choice in the matter. I am as depressed and lonely as if I were single already. I have my doubts about ever believing in love again. I only had one other boyfriend in my life (10 years). He did not marry me and this one, even with a son on the way will not either. And now I feel I will never be happy because, if this don’t work, who would want me now that I am going to have a baby????

Should I leave him?

advice please.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:39pm

Unfortunately, I don't see that you have much choice but to leave this loser either. I see it one of two ways. 1) You could stay and try to make it work, but end up being miserable in

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 2:46pm
So he's overwhelmed with the thought of being a new father....and he's punishing you for it, isn't involved, doesn't want to talk about, complains about the hard work, won't go with you to a family party, etc.....and you need this in your life, why?

Hon, trust me, someone out there will want you, even with a new baby - happens every day.

You can be a single mother because you are already getting a taste of what it will be like.

I think you should sit him down and tell him how unhappy you are and acknowledge the extra work involved, then ask him point blank if he wants to participate or if you should move on. You have nothing to lose, except extra misery. If he doesn't want the same things you want - family, responsibility etc, you need to know now.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 3:33pm
'I have to go alone and see my whole family …uncles, aunts, cousins and all….alone and pregnant.'

But you are 'alone' even if it is emotionally. He wants nothing to do with the baby and if you stay with him he will not have a positive impact on this child.

'I feel if he loved me he would go and be there for me. '

Exactly.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 10:52am
Thank you for your advice. I have decided to see this relationship through. I have decided to talk with my boyfriend and we now know how each other feels. And although we both have things we are worried about, in the end we have decided to work at those issues together. The advice I received here was diverse and honest and I thank all who gave me theirs. The advice to leave helped me see clearer if that was a choice I ‘truly’ wanted at this time. I took a deeper look at my situation and I can say, through the hormone changes and the aches and early evening sleepiness, it may be I was a bit short sited. The good news is that we are planning a baby room now and have decided that we will go next year to my family’s party together, hoping for a better year and that we “both” could enjoy it. I decided that I would not re-ask him to go and he decided to move his plans for the day and said he would go with me. But I, being not of the sprits of the season, decided I did not want to go. Well it was a good thing because we spent the day together and that was long over due. The whole fight over the party and the baby room gave us time to understand some of the things that were on our minds. I still have Christmas coming up with my family Christmas eve and Christmas day with his family and that is just fine with me.

So thanks for your help folks

Much love

Ryan’s mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 10:53am
Thank you for your advice.

I have decided to see this relationship through. I have decided to talk with my boyfriend and we now know how each other feels. And although we both have things we are worried about, in the end we have decided to work at those issues together. The advice I received here was diverse and honest and I thank all who gave me theirs. The advice to leave helped me see clearer if that was a choice I ‘truly’ wanted at this time. I took a deeper look at my situation and I can say, through the hormone changes and the aches and early evening sleepiness, it may be I was a bit short sited. The good news is that we are planning a baby room now and have decided that we will go next year to my family’s party together, hoping for a better year and that we “both” could enjoy it. I decided that I would not re-ask him to go and he decided to move his plans for the day and said he would go with me. But I, being not of the sprits of the season, decided I did not want to go. Well it was a good thing because we spent the day together and that was long over due. The whole fight over the party and the baby room gave us time to understand some of the things that were on our minds. I still have Christmas coming up with my family Christmas eve and Christmas day with his family and that is just fine with me.

So thanks for your help folks

Much love

Ryan’s mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:27pm
As a 31-year-old single guy, I realize that there are fewer and fewer good single women I meet who DO NOT have kids. I realize that being happily married someday to the right woman means accepting that she would probably already be a mom when I meet her. Many, many men think this way. The real men, that is. If you leave this guy, don't worry about being alone forever or being undesirable because you have a child. There are plenty of men your age excited about the possibility of being with a special, loving, young mom. In fact, you would not believe how incredibly attractive it is (for some men anyway) to see the responsible, nurturing, loving, and courageous side of a woman who has become a new mom. In short, you can do better than the guy you're with now. Good luck.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:37pm

This is a very troubling and painful situation. I am very sorry you are experiencing this. To begin with, this man you are with certainly sounds like he has many problems and is behaving in a childish, petulant, destructive way towards you. If he resents the responsibility of caring for a wife and child, then what is he doing there with you now - accepting your love and also your caring for his daughter? I understand why you are staying with him (for the sake of your son) - but you also must wonder how he will behave towards this child? It doesn't sound good - the fact that he will not even talk about him all this time is abusive. It would be better for a child to be with someone who loves and cares for him, than to be around s omeone who resents and dislikes him, even though the man may be his biological father. You too, do not have to take this abuse from him or anyone. Also, yYou say he will not marry you, he will not offer you or the child, the respect and security you both deserve. There is nothing to be gained in staying in a situation where you are feeling (and being) hurt, lonely and maligned. It's much better to be on your own and to surround yourself with loving, positive friends and family than to be