Same old thing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Same old thing...
7
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 4:28pm
Hey everyone, i'm new to the board.. so hello and thank you in advance for any help. I've been dating my boyfriend for about 4 months now. We fell absolutely totally in love right away almost. I was hesitant at first never being in a serious relashonship.. (i'm 20.. he's 34 [with the mind of a 17 yr old}.. the age thing was never even a discussion/problem) and knowing that he's had two very serious relashonships.. one with someone he almost married.. but both women being unfaithful as the end result. By two weeks he had told me that i gave him more love and affection in that time then he's gotten from women he'd been with for so long. He's had a rough life and i think its made him afraid of love a little. But he seemed to get over that pretty quickly with me, he also opened up about a lot of things, and was the first guy i've felt anything more than an infatuation or simple attraction for in the past 4 yrs. We instantly clicked and i felt so safe with him, we always had a ball, i even get along great with his family, in fact when we go see them .. i hang out with them more than i do him sometimes.. and he loved that cause he loves them and me. Even though he's quite a homebody he was willing to go out and do things i wanted to do. We live about 30 minutes away from eachother and i dont have a car.. but he always came to get me or i'd take the rail road to see him. Now i understand things dont stay that perfect forever... but its the simplest things like that that have changed. He works in my neighborhood yet will go straight home with out even stopping by to see me. He hardley wants to go out, and i tell him i just want to do something sometimes, and in order for him to do them i have to fight with him about it. I've had long talks with him about my feelings and feeling lately that he doesnt want to be with me sometimes, or doesnt want to do things i want to do, when i'm always willing to do stuff with him even if i'm not so comfortable or dont like them.. i do them cause it means something to him. After those talks he's made an effort to change and once again i feel all the love he has for me.. but then it goes back and we have the same talk over and over again. Now i know he's trying his best to change and i'm trying to give him room to do that.. but sometimes i wonder what he really wants from this. He says he wants to spend forever with me..he's the first guy i've met that doesn't cringe at the sound of marrige but yet brings up the subject. And i know it's not just the sex cause i'm usually the initiator of that (not that he has any problem responding..lol), And he was willing to wait till i was comfortable.. i mean of course he tried.. but would i really want a man who didnt?? He tells me he loves me without fail every day.. but i respond more to seeing than hearing i guess. I dont ask for much.. just little things.. and those are the things he has the most trouble doing. At This point i dont know what else to do.. in so many ways he's just what i want.. but alot of the time i wind up just resenting him cause i'm so bored and i wanna have fun with my boyfriend instead of feeling like i'm just there to be there. Relashonships are about comprimise and alot of the times he wants things just his way. how can i fix this.. i dont want our love to just fizzle out... Am i being paranoid"? Maybe i really do expect too much? How can i feel more confident in his love when i'm not talking to/with him if he doesnt show it a little more often???? HELP!
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 4:43pm

Hi


I don't know if I'd want to be with a man who I had to "fight" to get him to come see me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 5:05pm
I doubt he's seeing someone else cause he's usually asleep.. he doesn't do anything. His friends ask him to go out and he stays home. He lives with his best friend and another roomate and they always go out and even when i'm there he hardley ever wants to go when he or both of us are invited. He didn't even want to go to a bachelor party he was invited too, although i told him i thought it'd be fun and that he should go. And my problem is i dont know if it's that he doesn't want to see me or he really is just that lazy. When i bring it up.. i try not to yell. i tell him how it makes me feel and he's responsive to that.. but it just never sticks. I know he really hates sittin in traffic and thats his biggest complaint.. But still.. he should be willing to deal with it once in awhile for me.. especially when he works right near my house. There is no traffic going 15 blocks or so.. and running to get to the expressway isn't gonna make the traffic any less. Plus if we see eachother once a day at least even for a little while during the week it would make me feel better knowing he thought enough to stop by even though he wants to get home and relax after work. I want to give him his space, but i feel crappy when he uses that space to just sleep or play playstation with his roomates.. i mean if i dont see him its cause i wanna go out with friends or get things done.. i sometimes feel he'd rather go home to do nothing. I WANT TO WORK IT OUT THOUGH!! I just don't know where else to go from here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 7:14am
My theory on relationships is that if it is not easy in the beginning (to me that's the first 6 months) then it's not worth it. Yes, relationships require compromise and effort, but not all the time. If you really want to be with him maybe you have to accept that your relationship is about being at home together and then go out with your girlfriends when you feel the need, I have a friend whose relationship works like that, and they are very happy, my fiance and I spend most of our time together, but that's just what suits us.

Not all relationships were meant to be, I thought I was going to be with my first love for the rest of my life, but it didn't work out in the end, in retrospect I can see that we weren't that well suited, but what I learned from being with him is part of what makes my relationship with my fiance wonderful.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 10:06am

Hi


It sounds like he may either have a little social anxiety or be a little depressed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:26pm
I agree with a lot of what Tara said except that he is depressed because he doesn't like to go out. He might be, or he might not. My bf is a homebody but he isn't depressed because he likes to watch TV or read or play video games. I had a little bit of trouble in this area as well so I can relate, with the exception that we didn't spend every day together. I did that in past relationships and it always ended badly because we got lost in each other an inevitably someone would all of a sudden get moody and want their space. It's ok to want to see each other a lot, but try to be reasonable and understand that you are individuals with individual needs. Yours, to go out and have fun, his, to stay home. Both are ok, now you need to work out some sort of schedule that can suit both of your needs, or you need to move on from the relationship. For example, I told my bf that after 1 year, I NEED, at the very least to just hear from him once a day to check in. Sometimes it's an email, sometimes a text message, sometimes a phone call, and sometimes to see each other...and he works at the same company I do. I said it's just something I need in a relationship that has been going on for this amount of time and asked him he agreed. He said he did and so he began contacting me at least once a day. We see each other about 3-4 times a week. Now if he disagreed, or if he started to do it but then stopped, it would be up to me to decide whether I could accept this behavior or move on. But you have to be strong enough to be prepared to do that. I've been in enough crappy relationships that I am very in tune with my needs and what I'm willing to put up with or not...with the occasional confusion. :) BTW, rewarding good behavior is essential. For example if he seemed frazzled on the phone from work or something on a Friday I tell him, "hey, you why don't you take tonight off and relax at home and we can do something Sat instead?" He is happy that I can recognize his needs and our relationship becomes stronger. Now say if he would be flaky on Sat I can come back and say that because I recognized his needs, then he should be willing to meet my needs.

Sorry this is so long..:) I guess what I'm saying is, know what you really want out of a relationship...i.e, pick your battles! Is it worth arguing over? You have every right to have your needs met, but are your expectations too high? Are you willing to accept him despite the fact that he isn't "perfect?"

My lunch is here so I have to go now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 8:59am
I think you're confusing lust with love and talk with actions - watch the feet not the lips and I am not sure why you have long talks with him about your feelings - it doesn't take a long talk and it shouldn't take more than once. It takes one sentence "I want a relationship where we see each other ___ times a week and we go out on a date ___ times a week." Stop with all the touchy feely therapy talk about that or about his past - either he is into you or he is not - his past relationships are his problem. also you are being way too available to him - he shouldn't be able just to stop by whenever at this early stage - and not plan dates for the two of you whether expensive or free. As far as the sex, I would stop having sex with him for now and tell him sweetly that you don't feel comfortable having sex because you feel him distancng himself. my guess is you had sex early on based on what you saw as this instant connection (which was probably mostly lust/infatuation) and usually around the foour month mark is when a couple decides whether there is enough there to continue - and if you startd off by seeing each other frequently in the beginning there could be a sense of burnout (I usually don;t see a guy more than once or twice a week for the first 2 months or so and have never had sex before about three months and usually longer.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 12:54pm

i hear what you are saying "i want this to work out" - but sometimes its not that simple. i am sorry to say that this guy does sound depressed, and also sounds like a "my way or the hi-way" kind of guy. he should WANT to see you and spend time with you during the week. but if he can't be bothered to get into his car, if he hates traffic (hello???? who LIKES traffic???), and he will always be finding some excuse for why things have to be done HIS way. sorry ---- I am on my way out of a marriage with a guy who sounds just like this. when we were first dating I remember how he would be whining about coming to see me. HE had a