boyfriend and "girl-friend" r2 chummy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
boyfriend and "girl-friend" r2 chummy
7
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 8:25pm
What am I suppose to think when all my boyfriend talks about is the girl (his friend) from school. When ever we are talking about a certain subject he always has to mention this girl as if that is the only friend he has. He never mentions meeting new guy friends and I am sure he only talks to her and another girl (but she's not important). I really don't like how much time he spends with her during school and it's begining to bug me when he talks about her as if she is God's gift to the world. What else am I suppose to think and how would this make you feel? How am I suppose to approach this problem? Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:05pm

How long have you been dating, and how long has his attention been drawn to this other woman?


If you feel like his friendship is getting a little too freindly, that thats something you need to discuss with him.But the exact nature of their friendship needs to be determined.How long have these two been freinds?Before you met him?


Take all of these into consideration, and open the lines of communication.If he cares he'll at least take the initiative to include you into their freindship.


Get back to us, and let us know some more setails though so everyone can help u out a little more.K?


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 9:14pm
Approach it with maturity and honesty. Say to him "It makes me really uncomfortable that you mention X in virtually every conversation. She's apparently a close friend of yours and I worry about you two getting closer than friends. Where do I stand exactly? And is it possible for you to not focus your attention on her so much when she's not here, and you're with me?"

Since I don't know for sure if you're just insecure and exaggerating how much he talks about her, it's hard to tell you what to do. If it becomes a deal breaker for you, then move on. You can't control what someone else is doing, thinking or saying. Remember that and never try to do that. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:09pm
i have been with him for 2 1/2 years and hes been friends with her since he started college. thats 2 years. i have known him longer than he has known her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Thu, 12-11-2003 - 10:24pm
i told him for as long as i could take hearing him talk about her. I told him why was it that his stories of him and her never included other friends as well. As if he only talked to her and hung around with her and no one else. It was his only friend and he talked about her in almost every subject we would talk about. Not even realizing that in every conversation we had he would fit her into it to. He doesn't realize how much he talks about her and its getting on my nerves. I told him why he only hung around her and he said "because she's a cool friend" and "we have a lot in common". He's a social guy and sometimes he doesn't see that his niceness can be just a little too much when its not really necessary. Why is it only with girls rather than guys.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 8:49pm
If as you say he was a very social, nice guy then he'd have LOTS of friends, yet you say he doesn't...only her. Then he's not a very social type afterall.

You're choosing this guy as your bf. If you experience negative feelings more than positive on a daily basis, this isn't the right relationship for you. People who are right for one another don't require the other person to change themselves or their lifestyle (or who's in it). They're happy being together as is. It's not a struggle.

It's not fair (nor does it ever work) to ask another person to drop a friend b/c that friend makes you feel insecure, jealous, uncomfortable,etc. There is no doubt something about every person in our lives that drives us nuts. The key is to decide if you can be with this guy for many years to come, knowing him as you do, and knowing what and who else his life consists of. If not, then he's not the guy for you. And you're not the girl for him if you can't be happy and satisfied with him as he is. Sounds like this friend is a big part of his life. Either accept that or not. If the friend was a drug addict, a criminal, etc. you'd have a legitimate reason for wanting her out of his (your) life, but just b/c she makes you feel insecure, well, that's your problem, not his or hers.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand how you feel and how obnoxious it must be for you to have to listen him talk about another girl all the time. But...you are choosing to be there. Knowing the situation as it is, I wouldn't be. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 6:44am
about your letter, I don't think there is anything wrong with being a little jealous especially in my case. I'm not there with him at his college to see what goes on or how close they really are. I chose to listen to him talk about this girl because I want to hear what he has to say each time. What if I told you that the only reason i didn't want him to hang around with her so much was so that he and she don't take the friendship too serious and possibly grow feelings for eachother and not realizing it. They might fall into a trap and it can accidently build up to more than just a friendship. These things happen all the time. And the fact that I'm not there and what he is doing really bugs. Its not right for a guy to know so much about another female who is just one of his classmates (just like every other classmate) who should only be discussing school and work related issues. Not about their life. Its not appropriate if he has a girlfriend. It looks as if hes getting to know her more than he should, as if they're hooking up with eachother. In other words, i think he should ask himself.....would my partner be pleased to see and hear the amount of words and emotions exchanging between him and another female (other than his girlfriend)? Would it make my partner feel more uncomfortable to know that she can never meet my friend because I only see her in school (which she doesn't attend)?

It's not really taken into consideration what your partner would think if they are getting to involved with the opposite sex. What comes to my mind personally is......is he attracted to her? How often does he talk about me (making as clear as possible that he is partnered)? All I'm saying is any person who has friends of the opposite sex (and partnered), should be able to limit information of themselves to certain degree and be strictly friendship-ground if its not, unknowingly it creates intertwined emotions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 12:49pm
My dear, nothing in your post surprises me. I assumed all that to be the case before you told it. The point is, what you convey is YOUR perception of "what a person should do" and obviously he does not share that view, or he wouldn't be behaving as he is. People will behave as they WANT to behave. Try to understand this: YOU CANNOT CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON'S ACTIONS, THOUGHTS OR FEELINGS. You can only control YOUR reaction to them. If your bf doesn't share your views on what a "partnered" person should think, feel and do, then move on and find a guy who DOES. Because...

It is merely a fact of life that ANY two people can hook up if they both chose to do so. Again, you cannot control another person's actions. He's got a right to do as he pleases. Partnered or not, everyone has free will and will act according to their own set of beliefs, wishes, values, etc. Dating is a journey to find a person who has the same or similar beliefs, wishes and values you do. When you find that person, it will be easy to be with him and you won't need to worry about what's happening when you're not there.

To me you don't sound "a little jealous." You sound a LOT jealous and a LOT insecure. And you have good reason to be. I would be too in your situation, but again, I wouldn't be in your situation for long b/c I would be able to see that he doesn't share my views on what a relationship should be all about, and how you should treat your SO. He's being inconsiderate but guess what...many college guys are! College for a lot of people is a time to sew wild oats and have a good time. After college real life sets in full force and you have a job, bills, responsibilities, etc. Face it, college years are the last years most people feel freedom to do exactly as they please with little or no responsibility. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face but if he doesn't agree with you or share your perception of being "partnered" then...you lose.

However, if you'd move on and find a guy who does share your views all by himself, without being forced by you to think that way and behave that way, then...you'd win.

Hope you "get it" now.