Pre-Marital Cohabitiation...yay or nay??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Pre-Marital Cohabitiation...yay or nay??
10
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:25am
My fiance' and I have been living about 900 miles apart for the past 10 months. He will be away at a job for another year and a half or so. I have decided to move in with him this summer for the last 12 months of his job. We will then return home (we're from the same place originally) and plan our wedding. IS THIS A BAD IDEA? I love him and I don't want to ruin our relationship but I can't stand living apart anymore. PLEASE HELP!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:05am
are you engaged to be married?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 6:57am
If your goal is to get married, shacking up is not a good idea. It gives the man all the benefits of marriage without having to make a commitment. This gives him no incentive to go through with the marriage. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 7:25am
I live with my fiance and we're planning our wedding (in May). He proposed 7 months after we moved in together and I would personally NEVER marry someone I hadn't lived with.

I never understood this whole thing of thinking that a man wont marry you if you live together because he gets all the benefits, my fiance and I have a relationship based on love and respect and we don't play games with eachother, we're equally committed to our relationship and getting married was something we both wanted, I would never marry someone if I felt that I had to "get him to do it".

I love living together, it's just so nice that you don't have to plan seeing eachother all the time, cooking together, snuggling on the sofa after work when you're tired and don't feel like going out and all that. It did take some getting used to, but it was never a question of commitment, just getting used to eachothers habits and quirks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 8:52am
I think that is exactly what you need to do, you two are engaged but you are living 900 miles apart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:25am
I would not be engaged to someone for more than a few months without a wedding date (or engaged more than a year total at the very most), and I wouldn't live wiht someone before marriage unless the wedding date was in a few months or less. but that's just me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:59pm
I disagree. My husband and I lived together for 9 months before we got engaged. I got a job near where he lived and moved there. We saved a lot of money on rent and enjoyed the experience. It gave us a chance to work out the kinks (getting used to each others' living habits) before marriage. I don't regret it.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:31pm
I also disagree. My husband and I lived together before getting married as have plenty of other married couples we know. I don't think that living together before marriage has anything to do with whether or not people are motivated to get married. People either are or they aren't. The problem arises when people assume that their partner is on the same page as far as marriage and commitment, but they don't actually talk about this stuff. There are plenty of people who assume that living together is a precursor to marriage when their partner does not feel the same way. It's not the act of living together that is the problem. It is the lack of communication.
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:32pm
That's exactly what I was thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:46pm
I am a firm believer that you should live together before you get married. I lived with my boyfriend, (eventually) fiance for nearly 3 years. If I had not had that time, I wouldn't have known that I would have made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying him. We broke up earlier this year and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

I'm not at all saying that the same will happen to you, but I am saying that living together is like getting a peak at the exam before you actually take it. You may find that it's better than you anticipated or that there are areas you guys need to work on. Either way, it will benefit your relationship by bringing that togetherness you so seek and by bringing realizations that are an important part of being prepared to be married and make it last. Good luck and I hope that it's even more beautiful than you expect!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 10:31pm
I want to thank all of you who took the time to answer my message. I have been thinking, and thinking....and thinking..... :)

My fiance' and I care deeply about one another. We have an amazing sense of ourselves and one another. Our lines of communication are always open to positives and negatives. This is the healthiest most exciting relationship I have ever had in my life. I am truly in love.

With that (and a little help from my friends ;) I have decided that living together will be our next step. It DOES makes sense to spend the next year or so growing together in the same place then beliving we are while we're so far apart. I know I don't have to "trick" him into marrying me or that he sees that he's getting something for free. It all makes sense now. Thank you all so much, you have been an amazing help!

sincerely,

xbx

xoxoxo