In desperate need of guidance

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
In desperate need of guidance
22
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:21am
Some of you might remember my story. This has been a weird friendship that has been developing for over a year. Basically it all started when I was approached by co-workers who asked me why I hadn't hooked up with a girl who was clearly following me around and hitting on me at every chance. This got my attention, and lucky for me I found someone I was very interested in as a friend at the very least. We started spending time together alone outside of work and began talking regularly. Things eventually got questionable. We were essentially dating without any physical relationship. I finally approached her telling her how I felt. She denied having feelings for me but wanted to be friends. I was really suprised and a bit hurt, but I was already her friend and wouldn't turn my back on that. Time passed. She became more flirty with me, and a bit more confusing. She would ask lots of questions about my personal life and accuse me of having secret girlfriends. After a few more instances that were very clearly flirting on her hand (no questions about those times), I asked her again if she had feelings for me. Same problem. This time I backed off a bit.

Fast forward several months. I was trying my best to do the friendship thing with her. I was slowly becoming more and more angry and feeling taken for granted. I finally backed off and stopped calling/messaging. I also got a new prestigious job, and soon after lost the job that I shared with her. Things were really starting to change. In her typical hot and cold friendship fashion, she started calling me late at night, like 12 and 1 in the morning telling me she was upset knowing I wouldn't be a phone call away if she wanted me. She let me know it really bugged her to not have me "always there". Time continued on and I still kept to my policy of staying further away from her. She'd be the one to call, and she'd be the one to initiate any nights out.

Here we are now. Two weeks ago I was out with another girl. I missed a phone call from this girl on a Saturday night asking me out. Two days later I got another call from this girl asking if I wanted to spend the night with her watching movies and making food. I said I was interested, but only if she was serious. I said serious because she often times cancels at the last minute or has something come up. Well... The weekend came by. I accidently bumped into her in person, and had her tell me she had to postpone the movie date. Not in a mood to hear it I started to walk. I came home later that night to a message from her apologizing saying that she wasn't cancelling, just delaying, and wanted to get together the next day. Sure enough the next night came along, I was ready... But nothing.... I get a call around midnight from her telling me she was late getting into town after a family function. She asked me if I still wanted to do something in about two days. I just started laughing at this point. She got angry. I told her whatever... And she started accusing me of not really caring about whether we hung out because I was all "whatever" and "who cares". So what's the deal???? I'm supposed to be an emotional wreck for her? Well... Sure enough the next day comes along. I arrive home from an afternoon shift to find that she had messaged me on the computer explaining she couldn't get together because of a relative in town for the night. She said that I probably thought she was the bad friend again... And that I probably hated her. She was really sorry to keep doing this to me. I saw her late LATE night online that night... But she never messaged me. I refused to talk to her. That was earlier in the week. So here we are. I've refused to call and am still left wondering what's going on.

Any opinions? Is she getting off on doing this to me? Is this because I stopped giving her emotions, and she's trying to evoke an emotional reaction? I've never snapped at her before... I've actually been so passive with her. She knows me fairly well, and has NEVER seen me as angry as I can be. I always go quiet instead of saying something that might hurt her. The last phone call with her she knew something was wrong and kept prodding me to tell her what was on my mind. She kept telling me to say whatever I wanted to say and "Get it out" because she knows me and how I am with people. Some friends have suggested in her own twisted way she gets off when I assert myself. She wants me to be the man and shut her down. She thrives on that they say. I just don't know what to think... To be ditched so many times when she asked ME out is just confusing and hurtful to me. Does anyone have any ideas what she might be thinking? How do I handle this now? When she calls next, do I just hang up, do I say something mean, or do I blow it off completely? I need help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:30am
Jec22,

You have been posting about this girl for months. And in every post there is a single underlying theme-she plays you. She manipulates you and uses you for attention and an ego boost. She has not, does not and will not want to date you. You are her back-up plan until she finds something and someone else to do. Which is exactly what happens every time that 'family is in town' She treats you like dirt yet you continue to care what she thinks of you.

Treat me poorly once shame on you, treat me poorly twice, shame on me. Treat me poorly many times, for many months, well, I don't know what to say.

Concentrate on other girls and IGNORE HER ONCE AND FOR ALL. If you want to explain to her that you no longer want to be her friend because of her mind games and the way she treats you then go for it. But put an end to this.Please!!

Good luck

Gina


Edited 12/12/2003 11:32:04 AM ET by ciao_gina

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:39am
I totally agree.

She has been using you as a doormat for months and now that you're not letting her wipe her feet all over you, she's getting upset. SHE backed out on YOU and then has the nerve to say YOU don't care if you see her. It's actually embarassing to read these posts. I want to just say "have you no pride????" She absolutely IS getting off on your catering to her every whim. Ever notice that she wants a certain amount of attention from you, but will NEVER let you take it further? And then when you have other girlfriends, she's worried that you'll stop worshiping her and feeding her ego. This girl is sick. The further you are from her, the better. Someone on here once made a reference to the effect of: How many times are you willing to drink poison?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:47am
The multi-line phone concept.

The person on the placing end the call...that's her.

The person on the receiving end of her cal...that's you.

When she wants to make sure that you're still an option for attention, for affection, for distraction should she need it - she picks up line 3 where you're at, says hello and makes plans based on her lack of plans for that time.

But, she then puts you on hold, she has two other lines that have higher priority - and should one of those callers have a better option that you present...she opts for them.

She's after attention, approval, acceptance and distraction.....you're not the only source, you're not the preferred source. That you continue ot be on Line 3 when she chooses to 'check the line' - that is your choice and your decision, there is no point in you complaining about a choice that you have made, when you don't like the results.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 11:47am


Embarassing to read these posts? Well then don't read them. I was looking for some constructive advice.

Don't be mistaken into thinking I'm still waiting for some relationship to happen. I've been happily seeing someone else. I don't see anything embarassing in trying to understand our relationships and where they went wrong. Yeah it's over between us... For the future I'd just like to have some background on what people think went wrong. Geez...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 12:41pm
This woman has given you mixed signals from the beginning - following you around, hitting on you, but only wants a friendship? She's got something wrong with her.

She's also a friend when it suits her needs, time schedule, etc.

Good for you for not taking her calls.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:54pm
JEC sometimes if you come to a public forum asking for advice, it may not always be what you want to hear. Try going back and re-reading blondie's post....it makes perfect sense to me. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:26pm
I never said that her post didn't make sense. And yes I'm aware that not all the answers are the ones I want to hear. Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

I just think it's a bit harsh that's all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:47pm
Maybe harsh, but absolutely true from everything I've read.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:53pm
Ok. I should be embarassed for trying to be a good friend and not giving up on someone right away. Great.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 3:11pm
I think it would be of great benefit to you if you could try to read the advice while not on the defense. There is a common theme in all of these posts.While the words may not be as nice as you may like, it is in your best interest. I think part of the reason that it may seem offensive is that people here are frustrated that you keep coming back to talk about this girl that treats you so poorly. The advice remains similar yet you aren't taking it.


'Ok. I should be embarassed for trying to be a good friend and not giving up on someone right away. Great.'

Being a good friend ceases to be a virtue when the 'friend' is playing you for a fool.


Edited 12/12/2003 3:11:55 PM ET by ciao_gina

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