I know a HUGE secret-do I confront him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2003
I know a HUGE secret-do I confront him?
12
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:38pm
My current boyfriend is the brother of a very good friend of mine. I've known of him for a while and have always liked him, but got together with him about 4 months ago when we were both finally single. He's a great guy and things are going well, but here's my big dilemma...His sister, who is a close friend, told me about 2 1/2 years ago that her brother (my current boyfriend) married an ex-girlfriend so she could become a legal resident of the US and she wouldn't get deported. They were broken up at this point, but he's kind-hearted and would help someone if he could, especially someone he cared about at some point.

I know we've only been together 4 months, but I feel like this is something he should have revealed to me, as our relationship is close and I have told him very personal things about myself. I want to confront him because I'm no good at living a lie, but his sister told me this in confidence. Not only that, she wasn't even supposed to know because he only told his mother and his mother was the one that told his sister. I don't want to cause problems in his family, but I am investing more and more into this relationship and am afraid he won't ever tell me if I don't ask. My friend doesn't know the details, so I don't even know if he's still married to this girl, waiting for her papers to come through, or if he even went through with it, but I have to know. What would you all do????? Help!!!

Janet

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 1:45pm


My boyfriend says to ask him if he's been married before.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:01pm
I would have to say that you speak to his mother or sister. They need to understand that this is something that he can't hide from you. If you just ignore this, then you will begin to resent him for not being able to confide in you.

You can maybe also speak to him. You're obviously not upset at what he did, so you can assure him that you're not mad and ask him about it. Just tell him that you were sworn not to tell him. He may even be relieved that you know and you two could possibly be even closer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 2:19pm
I agree that the best way to go is to bring up the "have you ever been married" question. If he lies about that, it is not a good sign.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:36pm
I agree. Don't make a big deal about the conversation but bring it up. You can ask him directly or jokingly say something like 'You are so perfect. There must be something wrong with you. Come on, tell me some secret or imperfection that I don't know....'
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:51pm
i agree. you don't want him to get mad at his mom and sister, so why not ask him, not so seroiusly. "have you ever been married?" or just lure him with a question thats not so obvious.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 5:39pm
Rent Greencard and towards the end of the movie, ask "would you ever to that?"


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:07pm
Lets say he does tell you that he married this other woman and is now divorced. How would this change the way you feel about him and how you would treat him? Is this such a big issue that you will hold it against him as an error in his ways? Can you accept that it is in his past and that it is impossible to change the past?

At the 4-month mark I don't think it is mandatory to disclose past critical moments. If you were 12 to 18 months together and seriously discussing a future including marriage, then these types of things need to be known.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 9:27am
It matters if he's still married!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 9:45am
Of course it matters if he is still married. That's why in the first sentence of my post I clearly stated "and is now divorced".
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 11:45am

I would tell his sister that you're very sorry to have to break a confidence, but this is too important to NOT talk to your bf about.

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