marriage advice, please

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
marriage advice, please
3
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:36pm
This is a last resort for me as I have no where else to turn. If nothing else, I'll at least have gotten some things off of my chest.

My husband and I have been married for three years. We only dated for a few months before we became engaged, but we lived together for a year before we got married. We became pregnant (unknowingly) about two weeks before our wedding and were unexpectedly blessed with a beautiful son exactly eight months to our wedding date. Even though I was very upset about the pregnancy initially, my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. After a miscarriage last year, and facing the very real possibility that another pregnancy might not be feasible, we became pregnant again and I am now 7 months pregnant. I am telling you this because hormones may be playing a factor.

The problem is this: my husband has had no fewer than 5 jobs since we got married. When we first started dating, he had been at the same job for 13 years (he started at the company part time in high school and stayed on.) He became unhappy with it and since then has trailed from job to job. It wouldn't be a problem except that each job duration has been shorter and shorter. Now I find myself literally supporting him, as he has been out of work for several months now. I know I am being old fashioned, but I am trying to be practical too. The male is supposed to be the provider...especially if the wife is 7 months pregnant and may need to leave her job unexpectedly. We have tried discussing it but, honestly, I feel like I am just nagging. I am a teacher and a mother and nagging is the last thing I feel like doing at the end of the day...especially since it is practically one of my job requirements. He thinks that if he looks at the internet to see what jobs have been posted and maybe hit the "apply now" button a couple of times he has put his time in for the day.

As you can imagine, money has become an issue as well. I took a look at the checkbook the other day and discovered he hasn't been balancing it and we are even further behind on bills than I thought we were. Am I wrong to think that he should be taking some more initiave here since I am at work all day? I know he is not sitting around doing nothing all day with our two and a half year old, but I still think it should be handled a little bit. Or at least have been mentioned to me that we both need to sit down and do it. He is constantly borrowing money from his mother and not paying it back. I would like to protest except we need the money to live. I am mostly concerned that he is just constantly looking for others to bail him out instead of trying to find a way to bail himself out. For example, my sister kindly offered to lend me some money to catch up on some bills and I thanked her and told her I would have to think about it. I think we all know the repercussions on borrowing money from family. But all my husband said when I told him was, "Take it." Do you see what I mean? Let someone else do it and I don't have to worry about it mentality.

We were in couples therapy a while back and it seemed to be helping a little. My husband has a history of lying to me about little things (aka the checkbook incident) and we were discussing how the root of this may be a fear of intimacy for him. We had an appt cancelled about a month ago and neither one of us called back to reschedule. I'm sorry, but I really feel like he could take the inititive if he were even the least bit concerned. I am so sick of doing everything.

I don't really want to leave because of the children aspect and he is a wonderful father. He has a lot of good qualities, too...don't get me wrong. I couldn't possibily list them all. The problem is, I am sick of being the only grown up. The thought of sharing our son and not being able to do it together makes me feel physically ill. It would completely crush our son, too...we all have such a good relationship in that manner. What should I do? Should I give him an ultimatum? Nothing else seems to be working! HELP!

Sorry this is so long...I am new at this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:41pm
You specifically listed something that has helped in the past-counseling. Sounds like it is time to go back and learn to communicate better about your feelings and fears and let him communicate to you about his. This is a hard time to be out of work. The economy sucks. But you have valid concerns if you can't pay your bills.

Why do his jobs only last so long?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 1:03pm

i agree with gina. counseling does help. if he is willing to go - don't fret about who makes the appointment - in the long run it doesn't matter (yes, of course he should take the initiative, but its important to not dwell on the small stuff - like who makes the appointment- and focus on the big stuff - like getting yourselves back into therapy).


many marital problems arise from not understanding that each of us have "our" way of doing things, usually based on how we were raised. sometimes we don't even understand that other people just do things differently

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:39pm
I am so sorry you are in this situation. I don't know if my post will help you at all, I just wanted to write to tell you that your feelings are valid, and that you deserve all that you want your marriage, and husband, to be. The sad fact is, he is not going to change due to any amount of talking or nagging on your part, as you probably know or have found out. Yes, he should feel responsibility at being the provider in your family. Yes, he should take initiative in the relationship and in the family. Yes, he should feel more pride, more ambition, more movtivation. But, he doesn't. That's not your fault. But it's also not something that will change unless HE sees the need to change it, then takes the steps to find out how to do so, and THEN works 110% to get there. Without HIM doing that, your situation is not likely to get better. I'm sorry to say that and don't mean to add to your pain. I'm hoping that me saying this (something I myself learned the hard way) will help you in some way to make the decisions and choices ahead of you. What is in your children's best interest? Having a father, certainly. However, he will always BE their father and be able to be there for them, even if you are no longer his wife. I'm not advising you to get divorced. But please keep in mind that your marriage is the relationship role model for your children. Your husband is their role model for how to be a husband and father. Growing up in a dysfunctional household is not good for any child. Growing up with perpetually unhappy parents is not good for a child. I wish you the strength and wisdom to do what is best for you and your kids. Continue to go to counselling, even if you have to schedule all the appointments or go by yourself. Best of luck to you. <>