marriage advice, please
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| Fri, 12-12-2003 - 4:36pm |
My husband and I have been married for three years. We only dated for a few months before we became engaged, but we lived together for a year before we got married. We became pregnant (unknowingly) about two weeks before our wedding and were unexpectedly blessed with a beautiful son exactly eight months to our wedding date. Even though I was very upset about the pregnancy initially, my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me. After a miscarriage last year, and facing the very real possibility that another pregnancy might not be feasible, we became pregnant again and I am now 7 months pregnant. I am telling you this because hormones may be playing a factor.
The problem is this: my husband has had no fewer than 5 jobs since we got married. When we first started dating, he had been at the same job for 13 years (he started at the company part time in high school and stayed on.) He became unhappy with it and since then has trailed from job to job. It wouldn't be a problem except that each job duration has been shorter and shorter. Now I find myself literally supporting him, as he has been out of work for several months now. I know I am being old fashioned, but I am trying to be practical too. The male is supposed to be the provider...especially if the wife is 7 months pregnant and may need to leave her job unexpectedly. We have tried discussing it but, honestly, I feel like I am just nagging. I am a teacher and a mother and nagging is the last thing I feel like doing at the end of the day...especially since it is practically one of my job requirements. He thinks that if he looks at the internet to see what jobs have been posted and maybe hit the "apply now" button a couple of times he has put his time in for the day.
As you can imagine, money has become an issue as well. I took a look at the checkbook the other day and discovered he hasn't been balancing it and we are even further behind on bills than I thought we were. Am I wrong to think that he should be taking some more initiave here since I am at work all day? I know he is not sitting around doing nothing all day with our two and a half year old, but I still think it should be handled a little bit. Or at least have been mentioned to me that we both need to sit down and do it. He is constantly borrowing money from his mother and not paying it back. I would like to protest except we need the money to live. I am mostly concerned that he is just constantly looking for others to bail him out instead of trying to find a way to bail himself out. For example, my sister kindly offered to lend me some money to catch up on some bills and I thanked her and told her I would have to think about it. I think we all know the repercussions on borrowing money from family. But all my husband said when I told him was, "Take it." Do you see what I mean? Let someone else do it and I don't have to worry about it mentality.
We were in couples therapy a while back and it seemed to be helping a little. My husband has a history of lying to me about little things (aka the checkbook incident) and we were discussing how the root of this may be a fear of intimacy for him. We had an appt cancelled about a month ago and neither one of us called back to reschedule. I'm sorry, but I really feel like he could take the inititive if he were even the least bit concerned. I am so sick of doing everything.
I don't really want to leave because of the children aspect and he is a wonderful father. He has a lot of good qualities, too...don't get me wrong. I couldn't possibily list them all. The problem is, I am sick of being the only grown up. The thought of sharing our son and not being able to do it together makes me feel physically ill. It would completely crush our son, too...we all have such a good relationship in that manner. What should I do? Should I give him an ultimatum? Nothing else seems to be working! HELP!
Sorry this is so long...I am new at this.

Why do his jobs only last so long?
i agree with gina. counseling does help. if he is willing to go - don't fret about who makes the appointment - in the long run it doesn't matter (yes, of course he should take the initiative, but its important to not dwell on the small stuff - like who makes the appointment- and focus on the big stuff - like getting yourselves back into therapy).
many marital problems arise from not understanding that each of us have "our" way of doing things, usually based on how we were raised. sometimes we don't even understand that other people just do things differently