Can men and women just be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Can men and women just be friends?
4
Fri, 12-12-2003 - 9:47pm
I need some advice... I will try to make a long story short...

I have been married for 8 years. Three years ago, my husband was very ill. As he recovered, our marriage -- which had been strong through his near-terminal illness -- began to unravel. He was so happy to be alive that he was not paying much attention to me.

At the same time (about two years ago), I became good friends with a man at work. I realized that I was falling in love with this coworker and told the coworker so. I also told the coworker that I needed to back off the friendship because I was married. The coworker (who was single) told me he had feelings for me, too. I also told my husband that I had developed feelings for this coworker but did not plan to pursue them.

I went back in forth in my head about what to do because at the time, my marriage was lousy. (Skipping a lot of details about the months of agonizing about what to do...) The coworker and I stayed good friends. The coworker and I took a business trip together about a year and a half ago. The coworker kissed me. I did not kiss him back -- although I wanted to very much. Instead I left and went to my hotel room. I told my husband about the incident. We got marriage counseling...

Two years have gone by... The coworker and I are still good friends though we never "touched" in any inappropriate way again. My marriage is in much better shape -- in fact, we had a baby about 8 months ago. The coworker is in a committed relationship with a woman he loves very much.

So what is the problem? I still have very strong feelings for the coworker. I can't seem to get over it. I find the friendship extremely rewarding in that I feel a strong bond with him but I wonder if it is inappropriate -- even though we have not touched since that night a year and a half ago. I am thinking of trying to distance myself from the friendship but I am not sure if 1) I need to do this 2) I will feel better by doing this 3) if I am able to do this and 4) how to do this.

Any thoughts would be a big help. Has anyone been in this position before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 2:06am
the bond is there because you perceive him as making a difficult time a little easier for you... he offered you excitement and friendship. it's good that it hasn't gone much further...

i would keep him as a friend and not allow this to develop in any way... specially since you're both married and you have a new baby... it's just not smart.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 12:01pm

The answer to the question in your heading is an emphatic "yes", but I don't think it works where one of the people wants "more".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 5:56pm
Thanks for the response, Sheri... Any advice on how to distance myself? We work in the same office and it is always easy to just walk down the hall and chat. Plus, he comes over to my desk a lot.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 6:02pm

I would just keep your conversation strictly professional and only talk when you need to for work.