Help needed w/ husband that left

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Help needed w/ husband that left
3
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 9:43am
My husband of 6 yrs left me 1 month ago. Before he left he has set up dates with people and planned secret meetings with women in the area looking for a new love. He has lied to me about everything and never once talking to me to let me know there was a problem. so he packs his stuff one day while I'm at work and teh kids are at school and leaves. I had not a clue. I have spoken to him, I have flown out to visit with him to see if he loves me and wants to come home. Because he thinks that he does not love me any more, it is like he is not even willing to try to come home and work through things. He promised me that he would not contact or have contact with the women he planned to meet. But that too was a lie. All I have ever asked him to be is honest. I love my husband but now I'm afraid that I will never be able to trust him again. Plus the other night he told me he was going to head back home, which made me very happy that he was willing to come back and try to work on things. Now I find out that he only called me because his secret meeting with the other women was a lie she fed him. He believed her when she said she was coming out to me him and wanted to meet him. He also said that he called to get my reaction on a situation with his son. His grown children (21 yrs and 24 yrs.) have not gotten along. I cleared the air with his kids and I'm willing to start over with every one. He continues to lie to me and now he has decided that he might not be ready to come home yet. I'm confused and hurt and angry. I don't know what to do. I beleive that I have tried everything within my power to change his mind and show him that he is everything to me. I love him and want to spend the rest of our lives together. Can you give any suggestions?

Kimbo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 12:37pm

hugs kimbo.... I am sorry for what you are going thru right now. I don't really have any advice on how to get your husband back. if you want my honest opinion - you need to get yourself to a lawyer and start damage control. if you know he lied to you about these women, and is contining to lie , you need to check the financial situation, etc. he is counting on the fact tht you were in shock and that you would do anything to keep him with you.


I am sorry for your pain, i don't really have any other advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 1:17pm
Kimbo,

Consider going into counseling by yourself - it will help raise your self-esteem, giving you a safe place to vent your feelings AND if he decides to come back, you will be able to invite him to counseling with you.

He doesn't know what he wants because he's living wild and free....free to be with other women. Protect yourself - financially, sexually (god knows what he might bring home, should he decide to come back), and emotionally.

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page


Carrie

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:18pm
Dear Kimbo,

I do feel for you and the heartache you are going through - especially since this was so unexpected. The other posters had some good advice to protect yourself from diseases he may bring home and that. Also, you may want to start making photo copies of any of your important financial or housing documents - if he hasn't already cleaned those out.

Otherwise he is probably counting on your love for him to be able to go out and play for as long as he wants, and if he doesn't find anyone that interests him, then maybe he'll come back to you, and he is probably counting that you will take him back. Do you care about him more than you do yourself? Can you coninue to be lied to?

You deserve respect and it sounds like his life is totally about him now and he doesn't care what you think. You deserve to be treated better than that and deserve to have someone that cares about you. Think about what you really want to do here and what you can live with.

I wish you much luck and clarity with your situation.

Sherri