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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
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Sat, 12-13-2003 - 3:39pm
this is a follow up to my initial posts a couple of weeks back. For starters, my GF broke up with me a couple of weeks ago with very little explanation of why - just that she needed time and space. I have initiated one or two phone calls since then -- and have been upbeat, just checking in to see how she was doing, etc. The problem is that there was never any real discussion of what was wrong, what happened, etc., and that has left me analyzing everything that happened in the days preceeding the breakup looking for answers. I haven't pushed for that b/c I didn't want to push her away. But I feel that I need answers. My GF and I were together daily/nightly, as close and as loving as could be until this happened. I know it's not someone else. I also know that b/c of our age difference and my previos marraige/childrenm etc., it probably hit her that no matter her love this was just not the way she saw her life heading. Nevertheless -- my question for all of you is -- am I wrong to want/need some kind of explanation - a detailed one that explains what happened in her mind over the final days that led to this? The last time I saw her, a week ago, she hugged me, said she loved me, and was crying. I know the feelings are still there somewhere but i think she wants them to go away so that she can move on. I need closure, as difficult as it may be to hear it directly. I want to ask her to meet with me for coffee or a walk and ask her to tell me what was going on with her, b/c otherwise i'm left to guess and over-analyze -- and it's driving me crazy. help!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Sat, 12-13-2003 - 6:13pm

No, you're not "wrong" to want it, but you are being unrealistic to expect it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:18pm
Here's the problem with wanting answers to your questions....

1) whatever she tells you, you will want to *fix* it, change something to keep her AND she doesn't want this. If you offer to fix what is wrong, she will be unhappy because she will then feel that 1) she has to go along with your ideas so that she won't feel guilty for wanting it to be over or 2) she will be upset that you can't accept that it's over.

2) if she doesn't have a good enough answer (an answer you deem good enough) you will continue to make her and yourself crazy with wondering why.

3) she may have a reason that she can't explain - just doesn't feel what you feel, is scared of a committment, or maybe there is something about the relatioinship that really bothers her, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

Closure is something you give yourself. You have to accept her decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 4:15pm
I think i actually know the answers -- so perhaps what I really want is confirmation that she is leaving feeling positive about what we had, that it was important to her, but that it was time to move on. I'm a little over twice her age. I think that despite the richness and depth of our love and feelings, and the year plus we had together, that this was something that was going to end sooner or later b/c of the complications, and why not end it sooner to spare even more heartache and/or missed opportunities in the future. This is tough for me to acknowledge -- but I think is the core of our situation. While we had been able to overlook our age issues in the past, and even talk of a future together, I think she concluded, suddenly, that it was time to step back and look at the reality of our scenario. The suddeness is what was so shocking as it came out of the blue with no warning whatsover. Here today. Gone tomorrow. And apparently, her mind is quite certain in her decision, even though she told me as recently as last week that she loved me and hugged me. What we had was great -- and was something to cherish -- and I'm hoping she feels that way too and I hope to hear that from her. We're supposed to meet later this week for lunch and I think we'll have an opportunity for some dialogue along these lines.

One more thing I was thinking -- and I would like feedback on this. her birthday was two weeks ago. I did not get her anything as we had just broken up and she indicated she wanted space and time. I would like to get her something, a necklace that I know she wants, that I was planning on getting her before all this happened. It doesn't have a heart on it or anything -- just a nice silver nugget in a "little blue box." I was thinking I would give it to her and tell her that I want her to have this as a reminder of what we shared, that it will be close to her heart. I really wanted to get this for her badly as her first birthday that we were together we were just starting and jewelry was a little over the top. But after the incredible year we had, I wanted her to have something real and tangible from me. I would make it clear that there are no expectations, that I'm not looking for her to reconsider or anything, that I just want her to have something from me to hold on to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 4:51pm
::I would make it clear that there are no expectations, that I'm not looking for her to reconsider or anything, that I just want her to have something from me to hold on to.

If that's your only motivation, then get it for her.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 12:20pm
I have a feeling you are going to do this anyway, but I wouldn't get her a thing. You already wished her a happy birthday, and I would't have even done that! I know you are going to get her the necklace and she will probably cry and hug you and say that although she loves you she doesn't want to get back together. Let's face it, that's what you really want....not just to be a decent guy who gives a girl a necklace. NO amount of calling, emailing, giving her things, is going to get her back. This is a big cliche, but it's not YOU, it's HER! I'm sure she's a great person, but you are not the right guy for her, and you are pushing and pushing her away from you each and every day. BELIEVE ME, I know it hurts so bad...but the pain that is so fresh continues to be that fresh because of your contact with her. I've been on both sides of this fence so I can understand your pain and her pain. I'm sure she loves you and thinks about you and it probably tears her up when she hears your voice too. Is that what you want? Like always, take this with a grain of salt...I'm sure you're at the jewelry store as we speak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:45pm
well, i haven't gone to the store yet so there's still time to save me. i see your point, i see my point -- i don't know what's the right thing to do (if three's anything right about this). why would the gift of a piece of jewelry push her away further. I don't understand that. she's already pretty far away. any others wish to comment here? I could really use the advice. my heart says do it and if I don't will I always regret it?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: igoodguy
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 2:17pm

I say don't get the necklace.