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| Sat, 12-13-2003 - 3:39pm |
this is a follow up to my initial posts a couple of weeks back. For starters, my GF broke up with me a couple of weeks ago with very little explanation of why - just that she needed time and space. I have initiated one or two phone calls since then -- and have been upbeat, just checking in to see how she was doing, etc. The problem is that there was never any real discussion of what was wrong, what happened, etc., and that has left me analyzing everything that happened in the days preceeding the breakup looking for answers. I haven't pushed for that b/c I didn't want to push her away. But I feel that I need answers. My GF and I were together daily/nightly, as close and as loving as could be until this happened. I know it's not someone else. I also know that b/c of our age difference and my previos marraige/childrenm etc., it probably hit her that no matter her love this was just not the way she saw her life heading. Nevertheless -- my question for all of you is -- am I wrong to want/need some kind of explanation - a detailed one that explains what happened in her mind over the final days that led to this? The last time I saw her, a week ago, she hugged me, said she loved me, and was crying. I know the feelings are still there somewhere but i think she wants them to go away so that she can move on. I need closure, as difficult as it may be to hear it directly. I want to ask her to meet with me for coffee or a walk and ask her to tell me what was going on with her, b/c otherwise i'm left to guess and over-analyze -- and it's driving me crazy. help!

No, you're not "wrong" to want it, but you are being unrealistic to expect it.
1) whatever she tells you, you will want to *fix* it, change something to keep her AND she doesn't want this. If you offer to fix what is wrong, she will be unhappy because she will then feel that 1) she has to go along with your ideas so that she won't feel guilty for wanting it to be over or 2) she will be upset that you can't accept that it's over.
2) if she doesn't have a good enough answer (an answer you deem good enough) you will continue to make her and yourself crazy with wondering why.
3) she may have a reason that she can't explain - just doesn't feel what you feel, is scared of a committment, or maybe there is something about the relatioinship that really bothers her, but she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.
Closure is something you give yourself. You have to accept her decision.
Carrie
One more thing I was thinking -- and I would like feedback on this. her birthday was two weeks ago. I did not get her anything as we had just broken up and she indicated she wanted space and time. I would like to get her something, a necklace that I know she wants, that I was planning on getting her before all this happened. It doesn't have a heart on it or anything -- just a nice silver nugget in a "little blue box." I was thinking I would give it to her and tell her that I want her to have this as a reminder of what we shared, that it will be close to her heart. I really wanted to get this for her badly as her first birthday that we were together we were just starting and jewelry was a little over the top. But after the incredible year we had, I wanted her to have something real and tangible from me. I would make it clear that there are no expectations, that I'm not looking for her to reconsider or anything, that I just want her to have something from me to hold on to.
If that's your only motivation, then get it for her.
Carrie
I say don't get the necklace.