advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
advice
3
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 2:31am
This may be the wrong emotion to use but its important to me that's why I'm seeking advice from all of you.

You see my h and I have been seperated for almost a year now we both love eachother very much but we weren't very mature during our relationship over the years so we're both frightened. It seems we got into you did this so I did that sort of retaliation activities and I'm not exactly sure 1. how to stop it from continuing so we may work things out 2. bring up to him how sorry I am for punishing him for wrongs he did committ over the years ie affair with my ex-friend as well as wrongs that only happened in my head. 3. I fear I may have punished the poor guy for my abusive childhood and pushed him away so much that no matter what I say or how I act it'll be there between us. If I bring this up to much he feels pressured and we start fighting and well he's coming to see me more and more during the week before or after work whether or not our kids are home plus calling me from his cell up to 10x a day so I'm nervous to bring up some issues we have mainly by my own doing. Any suggestions? Should I just wait til he's ready to talk them over or should I say how I feel? He knows I want him to come home so he may think I'm merely spouting words to achieve that. We've been through so much and I truely believe our relationship is worth saving if only we can stop going in circles with the he said/she said and you did/I did. Plus how do we keep so called friends from interfering should we get back together? H has these 2 friends that absolutely hate my guts they tend to do and say anything to keep us apart. 1 happens to be my ex-friend who he had the affair with the second is his *bestfriend* to me he's more the fair weather friend except when he needs a port in the storm when he turns to h for help...h said next time due to some stuff that we down between myself and his best friend best friend can go to well you know

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: pattiann1973
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 5:42am

its great that YOU recognize that you two have been "immature" about things in the past, but recognizing the pattern is not enuf. i am not sure i understood everything in your message, but what i see is essentially your husband cheated on you with your then-friend. in addition you "accused" him of doing other things that he didn't do (?) is that correct?


so - if he cheated on you, and he is still friends with the person with whom he cheated, so how exactly is that twisted into you accusing him of things he didn't do? i don't get it.


look - if you BOTH are serious about repairing this relationship, then you BOTH have to be willing to do the work. and that means finding a therapist and getting to work. and it will get more difficult before it gets better. but again -you BOTH have to be committed to this. it sounds to me that you are the only one who is interested in repairing anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
In reply to: pattiann1973
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 10:02am
Its one thing for you to acknowledge that you were both immature, my question is, does your husband realize this too? I'm all for trying to start over, and, believe me, I understand how hard it is to open up old wounds to 'communicate' especially when things seem to be going well, but that's exactly what you need to do. It seems to me that if your husband is serious about mending your relationship and growing as a couple, he should be willing to go to counseling with you. It's very easy to get into that I said/he said, I did/he did cycle if there isn't an unbiased third person there to intervene. As for friends interferring, they seem to be more on his side than yours, therefore, it is his job to detach from them (especially the one he had the affair with!). I hope everything works out as you want themm to and wish you the best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: pattiann1973
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:11am
You are perfect candidates for marriage counseling. You know where the problems lie, you want to repair the marriage, but you need to lean the tools to do so.

Have you been in therapy for dealing with the childhood abuse?

Good luck

Gina