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| Sun, 12-14-2003 - 2:31am |
This may be the wrong emotion to use but its important to me that's why I'm seeking advice from all of you.
You see my h and I have been seperated for almost a year now we both love eachother very much but we weren't very mature during our relationship over the years so we're both frightened. It seems we got into you did this so I did that sort of retaliation activities and I'm not exactly sure 1. how to stop it from continuing so we may work things out 2. bring up to him how sorry I am for punishing him for wrongs he did committ over the years ie affair with my ex-friend as well as wrongs that only happened in my head. 3. I fear I may have punished the poor guy for my abusive childhood and pushed him away so much that no matter what I say or how I act it'll be there between us. If I bring this up to much he feels pressured and we start fighting and well he's coming to see me more and more during the week before or after work whether or not our kids are home plus calling me from his cell up to 10x a day so I'm nervous to bring up some issues we have mainly by my own doing. Any suggestions? Should I just wait til he's ready to talk them over or should I say how I feel? He knows I want him to come home so he may think I'm merely spouting words to achieve that. We've been through so much and I truely believe our relationship is worth saving if only we can stop going in circles with the he said/she said and you did/I did. Plus how do we keep so called friends from interfering should we get back together? H has these 2 friends that absolutely hate my guts they tend to do and say anything to keep us apart. 1 happens to be my ex-friend who he had the affair with the second is his *bestfriend* to me he's more the fair weather friend except when he needs a port in the storm when he turns to h for help...h said next time due to some stuff that we down between myself and his best friend best friend can go to well you know
You see my h and I have been seperated for almost a year now we both love eachother very much but we weren't very mature during our relationship over the years so we're both frightened. It seems we got into you did this so I did that sort of retaliation activities and I'm not exactly sure 1. how to stop it from continuing so we may work things out 2. bring up to him how sorry I am for punishing him for wrongs he did committ over the years ie affair with my ex-friend as well as wrongs that only happened in my head. 3. I fear I may have punished the poor guy for my abusive childhood and pushed him away so much that no matter what I say or how I act it'll be there between us. If I bring this up to much he feels pressured and we start fighting and well he's coming to see me more and more during the week before or after work whether or not our kids are home plus calling me from his cell up to 10x a day so I'm nervous to bring up some issues we have mainly by my own doing. Any suggestions? Should I just wait til he's ready to talk them over or should I say how I feel? He knows I want him to come home so he may think I'm merely spouting words to achieve that. We've been through so much and I truely believe our relationship is worth saving if only we can stop going in circles with the he said/she said and you did/I did. Plus how do we keep so called friends from interfering should we get back together? H has these 2 friends that absolutely hate my guts they tend to do and say anything to keep us apart. 1 happens to be my ex-friend who he had the affair with the second is his *bestfriend* to me he's more the fair weather friend except when he needs a port in the storm when he turns to h for help...h said next time due to some stuff that we down between myself and his best friend best friend can go to well you know

its great that YOU recognize that you two have been "immature" about things in the past, but recognizing the pattern is not enuf. i am not sure i understood everything in your message, but what i see is essentially your husband cheated on you with your then-friend. in addition you "accused" him of doing other things that he didn't do (?) is that correct?
so - if he cheated on you, and he is still friends with the person with whom he cheated, so how exactly is that twisted into you accusing him of things he didn't do? i don't get it.
look - if you BOTH are serious about repairing this relationship, then you BOTH have to be willing to do the work. and that means finding a therapist and getting to work. and it will get more difficult before it gets better. but again -you BOTH have to be committed to this. it sounds to me that you are the only one who is interested in repairing anything.
Have you been in therapy for dealing with the childhood abuse?
Good luck
Gina