In love with best friend and need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In love with best friend and need help
7
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 10:12pm
Hello,

I'm a guy and I need some smart female advice. Here's the situation: I'm in love with my female best friend. Three years ago we had sex one time, but that was the only sex we've had (and we were both very drunk and she barely remembers how it happened). Nevertheless, today we are in business together. We spend holidays together. We've talked about our feelings for each other and we both love each other very much. We have everything a romantic relationship between two smart late-twenties/early thirties adults should have EXCEPT sex and the designation that we are "a couple". She says she can't be my girlfriend. I can't just leave our relationship because of how involved (daily) we are with each other. She is happy but she likes younger guys (I'm slightly older than her) and she has some wild oats to sow.

So, I ask you this...

1) Is it possible for a good and loving relationship between two friends to turn into romantic love even if the woman tells the man she "can't have those feelings for him" (hint: not that she won't but that she says she "can't".)?

and...

2) What the heck can I do to love her but not BE "in love" with her, if it really is never to be a full romance between us?

Any ideas will help me. Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:13pm
Anyone out there with some words of wisdom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:35pm
Can't means won't....she won't allow herself to fall in love, because you aren't want she's *into* right now. As far as what you can do to protect yourself - that's harder because you want more from her than she is willing to give. So by being in business with her, seeing her, daily you are going to be reminded of what you can't have.

::We spend holidays together. We've talked about our feelings for each other and we both love each other very much. We have everything a romantic relationship between two smart late-twenties/early thirties adults should have EXCEPT sex and the designation that we are "a couple". She says she can't be my girlfriend.

This is very confusing. First, as good friends it's not unusal to spend time together - but again, you are setting yourself up for more pain by spending holidays, sharing intimate feelings, being romantic, and *acting* like a couple. It's safe for her, she has everything but sex with you and she shares that with other guys, so that means she doesn't have to have a *real relationship* with any other guy either.

I don't have much adivce....sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 10:28pm
Thanks itwinflame,

I value any opinions. It is good to hear you say that "can't means won't". I wasn't sure if that made any sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:33pm
Yes, it makes sense. I believe anything can happen and if someone says they Can't it only means they won't make the effort to make it happen.


Carrie

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:42am
I think until you make the break with her your life is going to be in limbo- and that's not a fun way to live! The previos poster was right in that your best friend has everything with you except the sex and this makes it so that she doesn't *have* to get emotionally involved with other guys because she has you for that. Yet she has them for the sex part which she doesn't do with you. It's really rather strange and odd the way she is doing it! Yet it is working well for her and you are allowing her plan to work well also.

But I felt pain coming from you in this love that she doesn't return to you in the complete way in which you would like it to be returned. I say cut the cord from her so that you are free to move on and find someone that will be there for you in every way in which you desire (as long as it's her desire also!!!). Don't you feel sad when she treats you in this way? Don't you feel mad? How long can you continue to live like this?

Sure it will hurt and you will be lonely when you first stop hanging out with her, butit will get easier and make the path open for new love to enter! True love! Love without so many weird strings!

At first when she sees how you are changing the dynamics of the relationship - she may try to falsely act like she is more interested in you to keep the game the same. But don't let her. Tell her you care about her but you have to move on with your life. You have to change this pattern and it may take drastic moves. It's kind of a different twist on having your cake and eating it too!

You sound like a smart guy - so use those smarts and be true to yourself and do what needs to be done to make your life better and happier. Don't let her do this to you anymore - it's not fair to you at all and just keeps your hope alive that someday she will totally love you. You are a person with needs and wants also who deserves to be happy! Be strong and just do it!

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 9:43am
Hey,

I just wantedt to tell you that I am going through the same situation with my best friend. Sherri, who posted last, is absolutely right. Whether your friend realizes what she is doing or not she is getting everything out of your relationship that she needs and therefore will not commit any further. I struggle the same way as you, wondering if or when he'll love me completely....and honestly, I'm very tired, as I'm sure you are. I know you can't walk away because your lives are so intertwined, my situation is the same so I understand how you feel. If you ever want to talk to someone who understands, email me...sometimes it helps to talk to someone who knows exactly what you're going through. It's mlles@rogers.com.

steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Thu, 01-08-2004 - 7:01pm
I've been out of touch from this board lately, but thanks to everyone who had some kind words and advice. While my relationship with my friend hasn't changed much since my first post here, I'm just going with the flow. At the same time, I've been deciding what types of things are "couple's" things and what are "just friends" things. When she wants to do something that I think is a "couple's" thing, I say no. I have to draw lines in our relationship very carefully because our lives are so intertwined.

While this might seem like a lot of needless BS--while you might ask yourself, "Why does this guy even bother? Why doesn't he just get a real girlfriend?"--I've accepted that this part of my life HAS gotten a little complicated and that I have put myself in this mess. Now I'm working on a way to unravel this part of my life without ruining any of the important stuff between my friend and I.

Talk to you later and thanks for your interest.