How do I fall back in love w/my husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
How do I fall back in love w/my husband?
7
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:44am
I have been married to my husband for 13 years but we have been together for 18. As with most people we have had many ups and downs. My husband right now treats better than he ever has, he tells me how beautiful, sexy, and wonderful I am almost daily and often tells me how lucky he is to have a wife like me. So whats the problem you ask - I don't know whats wrong with me, maybe there is too much water under the bridge(too much hurt from the past that I can't seem to let go of), maybe his actions don't always support his words (making a low soft short whistle when he sees a woman he finds atractive on TV when we are watching a movie together), maybe its just that we have grown apart (we don't agree on as many issues as we used to), or purhaps it's that I feel he dosn't respect me as an equal (I work for him and his brother and asked for a raise this last year and he basically told me I was lucky to have what I was getting and I was acting ugrateful but when I talked to his brother about it my husband then came back to me and said they had discussed it and gave me a raise.which compared to what the average income for what I was doing was still on the lower scale) There is more, after all it has been 18 years, but I know that I should leave the past in the past and the points I have made here are all within the last 9 months. So,back to my question, I am not sure I want to be a single mother and leave the comfort of a family and the security of being married nor the finacial stability, so how do I fall back in love so that I can find happiness in our relationship again?
Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:46am
I would suggest to try and do some journaling where you write each day about things that come into your head. Just let your pen flow. At first it might feel weird, but then eventually you'll really go and some things may show up to give you clues to why you are feeling as you are... but one I picked up on was not feeling like you are of the value that you are to these guys you work for - even though they are your relatives! Working for family can sometimes be even harder with getting respect. Talk to him about this and let him know how you really feel. Would he treat another employee like that?

Have you told him that his little whistle when he sees sexy women on tv or wherever bothers you? Maybe try this the next time you two are out and a sexy guy walks by, make a noise of your own and see how he reacts to that! Then when he says something about it - tell him that is how it makes you feel also when he does it. This is more of a learning exercise for him!

I was married for many years and know how it is to fall out of love, and living in a loveless marriage is no fun! Do you take vacations, even little weekends away, alone together once in awhile? That can work wonders! Try making a specific night to have a date on - just like you used to do - get all fixed up and sexy. Don't miss this date for anything if you can help it. Maybe meet him somewhere you have agreed on and pretend you are meeting for the first time! But just doing the small things that you used to with each other can help also.

There are many books on keeping the fires alive and I would invest in some. There is erotica that can be read to eachother that is like soft porn, but not so hard core that can spice things up nicely! Try having sex in different places besides the usual. Change the pattern of things a bit and see what happens. He may come up with some ideas on his own when he realizes what you are trying to do also. Good luck...

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 11:14am
Thank you Sherri, I hear and believe everything that you have said so much so that I have already tried them over the years. In fact, this is the third time I am trying to fall back in love with him and it has been the hardest.

This last summer we had spent more time away alone(without the kids) than we ever have, the problem is I just don't really feel like we have that much in common any more(other than the kids and almost half of our lives together).

I am also tired of- and this is going to sound petty and selfish but -I am tired of dealing with his allergies, he has so many and it affects him everyday, his skin allergies are the worst. I do what I can to help him with them, wash him in the shower almost daily so that the water doesn't dry his already dry and cracked hands, I help put lotion all over his body when we get out almost every morning, then later in the day when his skin starts itching again really bad, I will gently run my fingers along his body to stop him from scratching and making himself bleed or I will apply more lotion, and many times I will give him oral sex to get him to stop tearing his own skin up.

About talking to him and telling him how I feel - well,I have told him for years that I think it disrespectful for him to be be so obvious about noticing other women, but his responce has always been that he is a man and can't help it - to be honest I don't really buy it I know other men who love thier wives and aren't obvios about it if they notice them at all. As far as, me "noticing other men" - I just can't do it, I think it is wrong and my heart tells me that no matter how unhappy I may be I just can't play games and do to him what he is doing to me, it's like I told my sonmany years ago, I believe cheating is cheating copying one answer off someone elses paper is still cheating even if you didn't copy whole paper(not that my son ever cheated - it was my way of talking to him about it) and also when my husband strayed with a couple of dates and a kiss with another woman many years ago - I didn't run right out and do the same. I have too much pride in myself and my belief and commitment to being married.

As far as work goes this is a battle I have fought for year and yes I have told him that he they treat other employees better than they do me and his responce has alway been since I am married to him I get the added benifits that they don't get (not that I get any benifits of my own just his benifits but I still benifit from them) and I get flexibility - I can stay home with the kids when they are sick and not worry about missing work ect. My solution is to quit. I have alreday tolsd them that I am looking for another job and when I find one I am going to quit.

So, I don't know, some of my friends say I should leave - others say it is my problem I need to change and others say it is hard to find anyone else after all I am not getting any younger - I just dont know, it's not really the finding anyone else that I am worried about, but now I am rambling - Thanks for the ideas - I tried them before and they worked then but they aren't working this time. Any new or other ideas out there?? Thanks for the help everyone !!! Sorry for the long post -

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:14pm
Sounds like you do everything to meet his needs, yet he hasn't stepped up to the plate to meet yours. Being appreciated and respected is very important and while he may not be able to help noticing other women, he is in control of his reaction, the whistling....

Here's a list of books to consider - they may or may not help

His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Loving Solutions, Gary Chapman

Divorce Busters by Michelle Weiner-Davis

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

The 10 Second Kiss, Ellen Kreidman

My best to you.


Carrie

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:28pm

It's natural in a long marriage to have ups and downs. It's also natural to accumulate resentments which finally impede the quality of the relationship. In order to fall back in love with him, you have to be willing, to let go of the past, to forgive, accept and realize that we are all human and have our failings as well as our strengths. The fact that your husband whistles at women on TV, while annoying, is not the same as running out and having an affair. It sounds as though your time together and quality of communication needs work. Perhaps it's time to open up, share feelings together, and become bonded once again. (This does not mean dumping on him and complaining about who he is). It means honestly and responsibly sharing what's going on in you. . setting aside quality time and a lovely enviornment to do it in. I strongly recommend that you read my book Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love. It's fillled with exercises and information about what it is that can renew a relationship and allow to individuals to experience freshness and love. It also goes into the question you posed in great depth, about the nature of love and how to practice it.


I wish you the best with this endeavor. Remember, love is a practice. Like caring for flowers in a garden, it is necessary to take care of the soil regularly and pull out the weeds.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:20pm
Thank you all I will look for those books - Any other thoughts that could help me get through the holidays before I "sit down" with him and let him know how I am feeling or should I ever tell him?
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 7:16pm
My husband and I have only been married a couple years, but we have been together for almost 10 years and have had a couple low spots when we weren't "in love" with each other. I think it's natural. When we are at a point where things aren't going well, we just refocus ourselves on the relationship - take a weekend or a day trip someplace, go out on a date, whatever - just start doing somethings just for us. It has worked well.
Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:07am
You said, "...I am not sure I want to be a single mother and leave the comfort of a family and the security of being married nor the finacial stability..." This is a very vlid point and something to consider very much as you contemplate what to do about these relationship issues. Should you decide to end the relationship, all of these areas are things you will need to deal with.

If you can not deal with those things, then you are not ready to leave the relationship.

For many years (25) I remained in a loveless relationship because I was not strong enough to do what I really wanted and needed to do - so I settled for a marriage that was not anywhere near what I wanted. It was OK - but after the children were older, we both realized that there was nothing left to work on to make it better as neither of us really cared anymore. I care about him as a person, but all loving feelings were gone. Sex was always good, but you can't live on sex alone! But actually the physical attraction was there in the beginning and I had always hoped that we would acquire more commoninterests over the years, but he was a very selfish person and lived to only do what he wanted, so I was busy raising the kids.

There was also disrespect in my marriage towards me and this was learned by my son also, which really bothers me as he sees women as the ex does also now. But I finally got up enough to courage to stand up for myself and to demand the respect and love I deserved. It was a gamble I had to take as I was tired of living like that, and he wanted to end it - which was fine with me also.

But I guess what I am saying is that to *think* about these issues and leaving him is one thing - but to actually *do* it is another and you have to be prepared for what will happen should you decide to end the relationship. I see now what staying in this dysfunctional relationship has done to my son, as he totally copies his dad's attitudes and I wish that I had done this divorce sooner. But I can't live with the "what ifs" anymore. I have to live in the future.

My Mom seems to think this whole divorce is about my finding another man to "complete" me! I try to explain it that it is more that I can be true to myself and my need and wants which have been buried away for so many years as I have lived my life for everyone else. Sorry I included my life in here, but I thought it might help you some.

We are never "too old" to find happiness. But I am prepared that I may never have another long term relationship and that is fine with me - because now I am free to be true to my true self and to live with self-respect.

Once you figure out some of these issues that are bothering you, then yes, I do think you need to discuss them with him. Take care of yourself and please do what feels right for *you*.

Sherri