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| Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:33pm |
About a month after we got married, he lost his job after being at it 19 years. Things quickly took a turn for the worse. He did get another job about 3 months later. Even though he is making more money than he was when he left his last job and has a higher ranking position, our R just cant seem to get back on the course it was before this happened.
When he lost his job, I became the person he vented his frustration towards. I put up with it, I understood what he was going through. I was there when he vented his anger, when he cried, when he needed help with his resume, when when needed to call me every half hour at work because he was freaking out at home for whatever reason, I was there for him. I supported him regardless of what the situation was.
Now that he is back on his feet, its as though he resents me. He has a long commute to and from work and often makes sarcastic remarks because I only have a 10-15 min. commute. He puts his parents first in our marriage (his job and anything else) and looking back, I guess he always has. Its just never been so "in my face" as it is now.
We argue just about every day. I cant do anything right anymore. He criticizes me for everything. I dont clean good enough, I dont know how to pay my bills on time, my cooking would be ok if I did this and this, if any sort of disagreement comes up between myself and say a waiter, situation at work, anything at all, he ALWAYS takes the other persons side. For whatever reason he stopped respecting me as his wife, and now I feel like he looks at me as more of a dependant instead of his life long companion, his wife, his best friend.
I should mention that 8 months into our marriage, we got into a huge fight during the time he was out of work (can't even remember about what) and he told me he wanted a divorce. I should also mention that he "forgot" my birthday and then made me feel like it was my fault because he "left his wallet at work". I spent my birthday night crying on the beach. No, he never did apologize.
There are lots of other examples I could give. I just dont know if I have realistic hopes that one day I will have my H back and that we will love eachother like we used to. He turned into another person when he lost that job and things have never been the same.
Sorry this is so long. I appreciate any advice you can give.

Pianoguy wonders if something 'tense' might have occurred between you two during the period your husband was out of work. Usually...a man won't completely turn cold on the woman who supports him UNLESS there was something said (by you or someone else) that made him feel like he was a failure in some way?
If your discussions (aka ARGUMENTS) have centered around his 'job loss' (even though you indicated that he's employed and making more money than before)...I'll bet your husband is getting tired of hearing "the same old song and dance?"
Another thought...his commute to work and back MAY be tiring him out. As much as most of us may LOVE our jobs...not all of us can handle a drive to work that's longer than 30 minutes. Hell...some men don't want to be on the road longer than 10 minutes! So if you multiply the number of trips per week in conjunction with the amount of time your husband is 'on the road'---this might be a problem too?
The 3rd possibility...and I bring this up because men are often "tempted"...is the idea that your husband might be focusing his attention on someone else? But he's not going to try and do anything AS LONG AS YOU ARE STILL MARRIED TO HIM! This might be the reason he's putting your house cleaning skills down...or spending more times with his parents?
Why not try and retrace a few thoughts toward the period when things between you GOT ROTTEN? I'll bet you discover why your husband has suddenly decided to 'shut you out of his life!'
Pianoguy
I have a feeling this is a very complex issue and one that could use a
After reading your post, I began thinking if there was anything that was said that could explain why he changed. I do recall some arguments when I would bring up he and I doing things together again because we never got out of the house. He did in turn (every time) accuse me of blaming him for not being able to provide the lifestyle he once was able to. We used to go out most every night for dinner (some were quite expensive), and we definately would go out on the weekends for something fun, and wind up going out for dinner and cocktails in the evening.
I explained (every time) that I didnt expect him to take me to an expensive dinner or treat me to the spa (he used to do that as well), I explained that we could go for a walk on the beach and watch the sunset, or take a walk around our neighborhood and maybe go for ice cream, or rent a movie and eat popcorn! All I wanted is for us to do something together, outside of the house and away from the reminder that he was out of work. Suggesting that he and I do anything together would result in him accusing me of blaming him for not being able to provide the lifestyle I was used to and me crying trying to explain that wasnt what I was getting at, at all.
My sister and her husband are well off. If I would tell him in passing that "I spoke to my sister and they are going to Hawaii in XX months, or they are spending the weekend in XX", he would in turn accuse me of wishing that I could do those things and he's sorry that he cant provide that lifestyle when all I was trying to do is make conversation, and then we'd have another argument. During the time he was out of work Pianoguy, there was very little I could do or say that didnt cause an arguement. He was very depressed and there we a couple of times when I thought he was having a nervous breakdown and suggested that he seek help. I told him that I would go with him, do whatever we needed to do but that our marriage was deterioating. He wouldnt hear of it.
His commute is 90 minutes one way. I know this stresses him out. When we are able to fix up our home to sell, we are going to move but right now we cant. I think he also resents the fact that I dont want to pick up and move 100 miles north so that he doesnt have to commute. I have very good paying job (which pays a lot of both our bills) and will be eligible for some very good benefits in another year. He knows that I am willing to move half way so that we both can share in the commute. I always have dinner ready for him, I take care of everything around our home so that all he has to do is come home, eat, relax, shower and go to sleep.
As far as being tempted by another woman, I guess anything is possible but that has never crossed my mind. He has never done or said anything that sent up a red flag. He is never late coming home, he never gets any strange phone calls or has to leave suddenly. On his good days (therefore, my good days), Im his everything. The perfect wife, he loves me to death, etc... but 24 hours later, its back to the same ole thing. I cant help but to wonder if this is the way he and I will be forever, if its a stage in our marriage or if whats happened has changed us both and this is just the way things are.
It's just a guess....but maybe your husband has feelings of inadequacy when it comes to providing "an excellent lifestyle"....at least, compared to the one your sister and her husband has? While YOU sound like a lady who just wants 'a little quality time' regardless of whatever the 2 of you do...your husband might be feeling that YOU EXPECT A LOT MORE! So the "small stuff" might seem to be just that....SMALL!
When a man has 'lavished' a woman with the best he possibly can give her...then suddenly finds out that he can't keep this lifestyle up (due to job, financial problems, etc.), it makes many of us feel like we're letting you down. For some men...STATUS OVERRIDES BASIC SECURITY. (This applies to some women too).
And while you might be the most loving, secure wife on this planet...your husband might be feeling as if he has failed you. When men feel like their failures, they shut themselves off from the rest of the world...and the people they love.
There's obviously TENSION connected with your individual jobs. So here's an idea. Could the two of you agree to find a house (or at least a small condo) equidistant from where each of you work? This way...YOU are extending your travel time to work a little...and reducing HIS! It might make a difference? At least, this is something to talk about.
Just a thought from...
Pianoguy
I know that we do need to work on the commute. I've told him before that I was willing to move half way, perhaps I need to bring it up more often so that he's not always the one initiating the conversation.
I feel a lot better now that I have other points of view. You seem like you have a very good head on your shoulders Pianoguy, you can see both sides of a situation and can also be objective. Maybe if I take the first step forward in trying to get back what we once had, instead of analyzing what we have today and why, maybe it will make a difference and he will eventually meet me in the middle. Thank you for taking the time to help me with my problem.
I'm very happy I could help you.
Just remember...if both partners TRULY WANT TO WORK TOGETHER TO SOLVE A PROBLEM...
The result is a "mutually satisfying solution" and (hopefully) a better understanding between you. I truly hope the 2 of you can work together and strengthen your marriage.
Good thoughts are headed in your direction..from
Pianoguy