Love him, can't stand his kids
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Love him, can't stand his kids
| Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:52pm |
Who else has this problem and what are you doing to try and work things out? I am at a loss. Married 8 yrs, we both had kids from prior marriages. I have been told so many times to back off his kids and not reprimand them. Now the oldest 3(his) have major problems. Two dropped out of school, one ran away and came back, the 20yr old moved back in against my wishes 2 months ago. He sleeps all day, does absolutely nothing. I had been waking him up and telling him to get up and look for a job or help around the house. I have been constantly tell dh that I was doing this and his reply was always "good". Like he was glad I was doing it because he didn't want to. My dh tells me last night to just back off and do nothing and warns me "he will remember this" when my 2 are in the same situation. He also doesn't like to be "put in the middle". I am thinking today why didn't I bring up the fact that he also didn't want the son to move back in because of past history, but felt like the son was begging and if we didn't let him back he would be living on the streets and starving. We have already given this son a brand new motorcycle to get to college, college tuition for one semester that he never finished and my dh has gotten his son a job not once but twice at his job with real good pay, that he quit. I know my dh just wants to help, but my thought is that he is not helping his son. He is making it easier for his son to stay dependent. Meanwhile, my dh and I have a big fight and he makes me feel like it is all my fault that everyone is upset and that I was totally wrong for telling my stepson to get off his butt and get a job. He made it clear that he didn't appreciate my conversation with his son turning into a fight between the two of them. IT was like the 20 yr old was a 10yr old going to daddy to blame me for his failures. My dh said his poor son feels unloved and unwanted. BTW his 19yr old is also still living with us, but works. I don't talk to him either, mostly because he is never there when we are awake.
So, what are your opinions???
So, what are your opinions???

Pianoguy was in a similar situation a few years ago...and the most difficult thing he had to do was BITE HIS TONGUE when it came to disciplining the son of a former g/f. So you have my sympathy...BUT...
When you decided to marry this man...you also "married" his family. And while you'd probably like to assume more disciplinary control over the 20 year old and the other children...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Especially if your husband has told you to "back off!"
While there's gonna be tension...until his kids and your kids are completely out of the house...playing "STEPMOM" will only make things worse for YOU! Why? Because his children will portray you as the wicked B! (I don't have to share the word...most ivillagers know it). And this is not going to score any points with your husband.
What the 2 of you should consider doing is...either reaching an agreement about what is mutually acceptable behavior in your household (from ALL THE KIDS)...or attempt to set ground rules on an individual basis. The latter won't be easy because the children or "almost adults" in your household will feel that some rules should not apply to them.
But frankly..."WHO'S PAYING FOR ALL OF THIS?" It's YOU and YOUR HUSBAND, right? And while a few ivillagers will disagree with me...if a child who has reached the legal age of adulthood feels that he or she can do better on their own....LET 'EM GO! This is LIFE IN THE REAL WORLD! (Not a crummy television series)
Just make sure that once your kiddoes 'leave the nest', returning to what 'used-to-be' isn't going to happen. New rules apply immediately if they decide to "return to the nest!"
Lots of luck!
Pianoguy
What I can't figure out is how I can accept the fact that the ss is here for a long time, that he won't be doing anything and dh is going to let him sleep all day. I can't figure out how to be happy in this situation. My 17yr old daugh graduates in May and then is going into the service in Aug. My dh said he will be hounding her like I supposedly hound ss now inbetween her graduation and departure. That is not the same. My ss dropped out of school, has had drug problems, smokes, etc. etc. etc. I hound him because he will not ever change as long as everyone gives into him becasue he feels unloved and unwanted.
Therefore, my dh and I are at ends once again for them millionth time over something his child has done or is doing. My 2 are in no way angels, but haven't not been in rehab, done drugs, had abortion, or anything else like his. Is it so sad it always comes to his and hers. We should have been to our own counseling a year after we got married. These 2 families are in no way getting along. My daugh is extremely upset of the return of the ss, he is verbally abusive and he has once again made our home a living hell.
I guess I can always move out, but then I don't want to be without my husband, despite our disagreements in parenting, the only fights we have ever had have been over his kids.
He just won't see that his kids need some tough love.
Meanwhile, I have got to figure out a way to live in my own home! I was feeling like I really felt like home after the ss moved out 2 1/2 ago. My daugh was just getting into a good relationship with my dh and things were really good. Now we are back where we were when ss was living with us at age 17, dropped out of school, slept all day and had a drug problem.
My thought today? how long can I continue living like this?
YOUR MARRIAGE or YOUR SANITY?
Pianoguy
And it's unfortunate that he's not ready to hear about Tough Love and actually change the patterns at home. He wants to be LIKED by his kids instead of being a PARENT. He wants them to want to stay with him and because of that he will continue to support their dependency because he feels bad for them, sorry for them, guilty about something, wants to love and support them, but doesn't see that that KIND of love and support is not turning them into productive adults.
Sometimes counseling can help - depending on how deep the denial goes.
Reading material to consider:
Teen Tips: A Practical Survival Guide for Parents with Kids 11-19, Tom McMahon
Parents Teens and Boundaries: How to Draw the Line, Jane Bluestein PhD
Love Must Be Tough: Straight Talk, James C. Dobson
My best to you.
Carrie
I would tell your husband that having the 20 year old live with you indefinitely under the present circumstances is NOT acceptable to you, and that he (your husband) needs to come up with a proposal by X date
I have read probably 50 books and seen a counselor by myself in the past about step-families, step parenting, etc.
But if my dh and I can't talk about it or agree on things I guess it is totally hopeless. I just don't want to give up the marriage with him. I keep praying his kids will grow up alittle. But why would ss not continue as he is doing if he is allowd to?
I totally agree with itwiinflame with the guilty feelings my dh has. Maybe his taking it out on me relieves those guilty feelings, but it destroys our marriage relationship.
What does one do if the other half of the party won't go to counseling and feels it is no one elses buisness. He won't read any literature I have ever brought home.
His way of helping the situtation is to ignore it then it isn't happening. That is until I bring it up again.
I know it is not all me. The same ss lived with my MIL for 6 months until she kicked him out for not making any attempt to do anything but sleep and come and go at all hours. His own mother let him come live with her and 1 month later she moved out and left him with the apartment rent and all her expenses.
So, I always go back to thinking there has to be something I can do to help this. But I guess there is not... I either suck it up or leave. When the ss could leave and everything would be soooooo much better.
Does your DH know you're considering leaving him if something doesn't change with the SS?
How is your SS getting money? If its from the 2 of you, then I would say this has to stop. My mum is having the same problem with my little brother, who is now 16. He is still at school, but she wants him to get a Saturday job, like both my sister and I did at the same age. I tell her all the time to stop buying vredit for his mobile phone, and not to rent him games out from Blockbusters, and not to buy his computer magazines, maybe stop paying for his internet, as she doesnt even know how to switch the computer on.
She says shes gonna try, but I don't see it happening.
Tessx
I made ONE point abundantly clear before I accepted my husbands marriage proposal. I do not put up with any balogne from children....period. I told him that if we were to be married and the children were to live with us that I would be treated as a Mother. Mostly because their Mother didn't bother to do anything for them and I knew myself and I knew that I needed equal authority in my own home. I also made it a point to him that as the children grow older and approach adulthood that they would NOT be able to stay in our home and be bums. I told him that if they do not proceed with their lives into college or a career after age 18 that they would NOT be able to stay in our home. He agreed to this before we were married.I will take him up on this deal if we are put into a situation like this.
I love my skids as if they were my own but I would NOT allow them to live with me unemployed or not attending full time college.. period. This is your home also and you deserve to have boundaries. I would insist upon those boundaries. This kid is a deadbeat bum that needs to get a job and get out. The 19 year old needs to save money and get out also. They will never leave if they have everything they need at home. I would insist that he get a job save up and move out or I would leave myself.
Thats my personal view on this. I know it is harsh but I wouldn't tolerate adult children living in my home. My DH and myself both left home in our teens without college educations. We both completed our educations on our own and supported ourselves through school. He was 15 when he left home and I was 17. We both refused to go to college so our stepparents made us both feel like we were not welcome. In retrospect it was the best thing for both of us and niether of us hold it against our step parents. We were forced to work full time and pay for our own school and it made us stronger adults. We both were stupid for not attending college full time when we had the oportunity to live at home.
That is why our kids will be expected to do the same or be asked to leave. You should not have to tolerate this. I would insist that the situation change.