all this in six days?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
all this in six days?
14
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:45pm
I need some advice rather quickly, if you wouldn't mind it

Let me start off by saying that I DO NOT(up to 21 days ago, at least) come from a broken family. I am 18 years old and yes, anyone who bothers to answer me will say you're too young, shut up and go curl your hair, this is grown up adult conversational beeswax. My mom and dad were married, up until the finalization of their divorce 21 days ago, 21 years. Lots of fam vacations, dad waking everyone up at 7 am cooking meals and clashing dishes around, every meal is eaten together and not until dad is home from work. I came from, what I thought was, a perfect fam.

ANYWHO. My dad moved into a house very near where my bro (16) and I live. We went over there quite often, let me say, only when we have time. The MOST RECENT stay-over we had with our dad was last Saturday, Dec. 6. We spent all night, woke up Sunday, went to IHOP, dad took me to buy motor oil, washed my car. We left Sunday so my bro could do his homework, we could wrap X-mas gifts, and other crap. We did not see my dad for six days, until Dec. 12 (dad went on afternooons, leaves for work at 2 pm, school gets out at 3, work gets over at 4, so no time to see him at this time)Six days. We went over there Friday to find that my dad had taken in a woman and her illigitimate kids.

I don't know what anyone is going to say to me. All I know is we went over there with meat to cook for him and Christmas gifts after not seeing him for six days to find he has taken a woman in. Her things are in the front bedroom of his new house, the bedroom he has been telling us for months he would fix up for us. His kids. Her kids' pictures are tacked up on the fridge. She's wearing his clothes. It was such a punch in the face.

I do not come from a home where there were loud arguments. Every night dad would pop popcorn and we would sit around watching Everybody loves Raymond. We are good kids. I graduated top 10 in my class, and my brother is in band and a good student also. Even though we are teenagers, we always couldn't wait until dad got home from work. This is so difficult because we love our dad, and in the matter of six days, due to conflicting schedules, we find he has turned everything upside down and put us aside. He is purchasing things for her illigitimate kids (she also has a grandson, might I add, by a low-life teenage daughter). This is our dad. And now I feel like I don't know him. After I learned of the divorce he told me HIMSELF he is easily manipulated, and how he thought my mother is manipulating. I feel like asking him, don't you feel you're being manipulated by this woman?

The day we went over and discovered her there, (the back door was open and his truck was gone, he answered and said she had taken it) he left with her, saying they were going to pick something up. My bro and I got left in the house for hours.

i feel rejected. completely tossed aside. you're going to say i'm jealous, and that's my problem with this. yeah, i am. it's difficult trying to talk to your dad and he's on the floor romping with this woman's stupid kid and he's got the baby on his lap. rejection.

The thing is this: he put this on us so close to x-mas. I would LIKE to have x-mas with my father, and not his new gf. I DO NOT want her there when he opens our presents. I am almost considering taking everything back. We are going over there tomorrow. I feel like asking my father, it's us or them, dad, but I don't know if I should. It was six days. I know there may come the time he remarries, but I would like him to put HIS children first, not his girlfriend's.

i know someone will scold me but i want to know if i am wrong or not.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 6:11pm
What you are feeling is totally normal. And since you are an adult, it's too bad your dad didn't give you the courtesy of sitting you down and telling you what's going on, even though it's his life.

Adjusting is going to take time and there are things he could do to make it easier, but he didn't.

I think you should let him know how you feel, but do so politely. So before you talk to him I would suggest you write an UNSENT letter, blasting him about everything you feel, then burn it, then talk to him calmly.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 3:08pm
Some people think that being an adult when your parents divorce makes it easier. It isn't. It sounds like your world has been turned upside down and your dad isn't being sensitive to what you need. Believe me when I tell you that the only way for him to know how you are feeling is for you to tell him. Try to sit down alone with him and calmly tell him how hurt you are feeling by his recent decisions regarding his girlfriend and her kids. Be prepared for him to say something like 'its my life and I deserve to be happy.' But, it sounds to me like he really cares about you and your brother and he's having trouble making this adjustment. This is all very new for all of you, so give it time and remember that (as cliche as it sounds) open communication really does help. Good luck with everything and have a wonderful Christmas.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 4:51am
I really can't imagine how you could possibly tell her to "have a wonderful Christmas", when her whole world has been turned upside down...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:06am
Hi,

I'm certainly not going to scold you!

In fact, I have an eighteen year old daughter, so I can understand a little better how devastating this whole turn of events has been for you and your brother. It was hard enough for you to deal with the divorce, and would have been difficult to see your dad with any woman/family, but his choice of low-life partner and the way that he did this was just awful.

I am certainly in agreement that there needs to be a calm discussion, between your father, your brother and you. Before that, though, is there a good friend of his whom you can talk to? It might be good to hear the perspective of someone that you trust from your dad's generation, and to see if he just sprung this on his friends too. Who knows? The woman may have given him some sort of sad story and he got talked into opening his house to her. Perhaps if a good friend of his points out how he has hurt you, it may open his eyes a little. Then you need to turn the tables on your dad...Ask him how he would feel if suddenly you moved in with some guy he never met before, and he wasn't up to the standard of the type of guy you deserved.

You didn't mention your mother's reaction to all of this. I'd be interested to hear...The poor woman's head must be spinning, between the divorce and now all of this.

I know this must be so painful for you, especially around the holiday season, when we all wish we had the perfect family situation. But trust me, most of us are not living a Norman Rockwell style life...my husband left when my kids were 2 and 7 (for another woman) and so I can understand your situation from the heart.

I don't think it would be asking too much for you to have some "alone time" with your father during the holidays. If he is really seriously involved with this woman, perhaps you'll have to get used to it down the road. But I don't think it's fair for him to just thrust this whole situation on you without warning. He is being extremely insensitive and as I said before, you and your brother should tell him exactly how you feel...but keep your cool! A big argument on top of this will not solve anything.

Many hugs to you...I wish I had some magic solution for your heartache...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:52am
Hey EMS,

I feel for you, I really do. My H had a similar problem with his father. Periodically, he would call my H (when my H was 18) to come out and go clubbing with him, then he would use my H to pick his castoffs (it was a meat market kinda club), take up with this new woman, then my H would hear no more from him, till his father had split up with the new woman. Then his dad would call to go clubbing and the whole circle would start over again.

It sounds to me as if your father is similar, in that he can't be alone. You don't say what your mothers situation is, is she alone too? Maybe you could tell your dad calmly that as he has "company" then you and your brother would rather spend Xmas with your mum, and then have a conversation with him after the holidays. Then tell him calmly that you feel that he could have been more mature and had a proper sit down conversation with you and your brother.

Many hugs to you, EMS, I hope it all goes well for you.

Tess x

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 6:54am
I wrote that because, in spite of what is going on, I hope that she is able to find some joy in her life and in her holiday season. How is that wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 9:35pm
Sorry...I didn't mean it was wrong. I just thought that it seemed a little too light hearted for her situation. Honestly, I wish everyone would have wonderful holidays. :-)

If that were only possible...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 12:00am
I think I'm just a bit sensative... this is the first year that I'm splitting up my Christmas between my parents rather then spending it with both of them. It is also my first Christmas as a married woman (who's relationship is already going through the ringer). I think I'm so eager for everyone else to be happy because I don't think I will be.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 2:55pm
I have some idea how you're feeling. My parents split when I was 28 and my father moved very quickly into another relationship. He actually ended up remarried within 6 months. At first, I couldn't understand what the big hurry was but, fortunately, my stepmom, is a wonderful addition to our family and is probably the sweetest person I know. She also brought with her three daughters, which are now my step-sisters, and I was an only child, so now I have sisters I never had.

Do you think you could get your dad to commit to a lunch date with just you (and maybe your brother)? If you can, this would be a great opportunity for you to talk to him one on one and let him know what your feeling. I perfectly understand how you feel like you've been pushed aside. Explain how you feel to your dad, but be as gentle as possible. You don't want to put him on the defensive. It's probably diificult for you to understand, since he's always been there for you to lean on, until now, but your dad is most likely afraid of being alone. Explain to your dad that although you respect that he is your dad and he is the adult, you and your brother would have felt much more "included" if he told you his plans to let this woman move in ahead of time. Try not to "put her down" because this will make him defensive too. Tell him that although you don't know his new GF very well, you suspect he could have done much better. Make sure your dad knows that you want him to be happy but also make it clear that you'd appreciate a heads up before he springs another surprise like that on you again. I understand that you're angry and you have a right to be, but welcome to the world of adulthood. In this part of your life, you'll learn the fine art of saying things in a nice way rather than biting someone head off (when you really feel like you could).

Another bit of advice, try to be as pleasant as you can to the new GF and her children. Although you may not think much of her, she is in an awkward position herself, and she probably wants to make a good impression on you and your brother. Also, being unpleasant to her will get you nowhere with your father.

Good luck to you. I hope everything works out :)

B.J.

Mommy to Samantha Renee 12/11/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 7:18pm
Hi - I'm very sorry that things are rough for you. I feel the same way, pretty much, for different reasons. My mother passed away last year and my elderly father isn't doing well either now. I do try to give thanks for the blessings I have but ...things aren't like they used to be. That's why I can relate to what you're going through.

I hope that things turn around for you and your husband. If it's any help, I think it's very common for the first year of marriage to be somewhat difficult - all that adjusting to being under the same roof. Best wishes for all good things, sent with hugs...

You sound like a very kind person.

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