Need Opinions...Please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Need Opinions...Please!
3
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 12:25pm
I have a dilemma. I don't have a problem with my boyfriend's best (guy) friend as a person, it's just that he and my boyfriend spend way too much time together. I have not doubt that they're both extremely HETERO, so no suspicion there. But, they're almost a package deal. They work together, they go to the gym together everyday, go out to eat every night. When they're not together, they're on the phone with each other. I'm always invited to go along with them, but it's very difficult to get time with my boyfriend ALONE. Whenever I call my boyfriend to make plans to go out, he has to check with his best friend first. I have tried to communicate to him that I would like more time with him alone and I should be his top priority. He says that all his past girlfriends have had the same complaint and so have his best friend's girlfriends. He doesn't see anything wrong with the time they spend together. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise. I have met and love his family, he definitely wants a future with me. He recently got a bigger apartment for when I move to where he lives. I love my man dearly and this is the only complaint that I have with him. Can you help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:25pm
Since he knows it's a complaint (from you and past relationships as well), then what he is saying is that it's not going to change if he can help it. He likes his life the way it is. If you can't get him to book alone time with you, then you are going to have to accept the situation as it is, suggest couple's counseling or move on.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:34pm
how old is this guy?

that seems strange that he'd forego spending time alone with a nice girl just to be with his bud.

you're not dating his friend - you're dating him. i don't think i could stand having his sidekick around all the time...

and apparently he's learned nothing from past relationships about this issue.

if you've asked to spend time alone with him (and how can you get to know him otherwise, really?) and he doesn't want to because he wants to be with his "friend", too, then let him be with his friend.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:48pm
The handwriting is on the wall - in big fat letters. He's told you outright that his previous girlfriends had problems with this and those relationships ended.

He priorizes and values this relationship with his friend over every other relationship, including he one he's got with you. So unless you want this 'package deal' to be over at "your" house every night when you move in, and have this person perhaps IN the delivery room when you give birth, and have this person consulted about uprchases or plans because it might affect what they do together, or have the option to do togehter...you need to find another boyfriend.

It's not about homosexuality, it's not about anything sexual at all. It's about the fact that your boyfriend and his friend - have alot of positive emotional associations and investment in one another as friends, it's a huge source of their individual identities...and neither one of them are going to compromise or change their relationshipw ith one another to include someone else. That someone else is going to have to accept it as it is - or get phased out of the picture.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com