Long-in need of advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Long-in need of advice
5
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:03pm
I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I am looking for advice and a sounding board, to figure out what to do with my relationship. I don’t have any family (my parents both died) and I have no friends, as bad as that sounds. I have been busy raising kids and moving around with my SO’s job so long I never made any, and lost touch with all the friends that I had.

I am a 35 year old woman with a three year old son, living common law for the past 6 years with my son’s father. We have gone through more than most people go through in life time, including 5 years of rasing his two other children from a previous marriage, and their, shall I say, not too balanced mother causing non-stop chaos in all our lives. We finally reverted custody back to their mother a few months ago, after the children decided that is where they wanted to be. Fine with me, since they made my life a living nightmare, and never showed me one once of respect never mind love. SO, was no help in that department, working long hours, and being a non-parent, leaving me to parent two children that never wanted me. My son came as a surprise, and he is the heart of what is left of this family. My SO loves him dearly, and does parent him better than he previously did with the other two. However, he lacks patience, and in my opinion, can be emotionally abusive to him, ie; he has in the past called him names, tells him to ‘get out of his face’ and threatens to ‘slap his mouth’ even though he would never do it or risk his life by my hands! Our son adores his Daddy, and almost every moment he is gone, he longs for him. I on the other hand, do not.

Here is the problem; aside from my SO being so-so as a parent, I have discovered over the last few months (after the kids were no longer my focus) that he lacks all that I value in a man, and we lack all that I need in a relationship. While I know he tries, he is not the brightest lightbulb in the bunch, and has some characteristics that now that I a mother, can not tolerate. For example his love for porn, his foul mouth, his lack of education and refusal to even learn anything (he knows it all), and mostly, his disregard for women in general. He calls me a miserable (fill in the blank), and cannot stand it when I talk about my feelings when he has hurt them with his insensitivity. He rolls his eyes, will not take responsibility for hurting me, and certainly won’t apologize. He says that he could be more sensitive to me IF I put out more (his words), and when I explain that is hard to make love to a porcupine, he calls me an ice queen. He feels all things would be better IF we had a better intimate relationship. My skin literally crawls when I think about it! I have no interest and not attracted to him physically. I don’t value that over taking care of the emotional areas of the relationship. Somehow, I cannot find a way to leave him, mainly because of our son. I do love him, as he does have many redeeming qualities, especially when it comes to how far he has grown as a person and a father. The fact we have survived so much, and can still honestly say we love each other says something to me.

Here are the big issues. He works a blue collar job, at low pay, and refuses to try and better himself. In the area we are now living, I haven’t been able to find a job, so we are living on peanuts. We barely have enough food to last a paycheck. This Christmas will bring no presents for our son, which is breaking my heart. Sounds silly, but I feel so sad for him it is killing me, and yes, I blame my SO for this! I don’t say it, I keep it inside and all the resentment grows. I work a part-time job (where I am now) where I get a couple hours here and there, but come to use the computer when my son is in pre-school, just to get out of the house that has kept me in solitude for so long. He has been offered a better paying job two hours away, and they will pay our first month rent and living expenses. I am afraid to go and keep this relationship going and I am afraid to leave him and stay here. I know I could move back to my hometown, stay in a shelter, get on assistance live the life of an impoverished single mother, and the chance I would ever see a dime from him is slim to none since he won’t even pay the child support he owes his other children. He doesn’t have the money to pay it, so I can’t hold out for that. That is a frightening thought. At least with him, I would have a roof over my head, my son would have his Daddy, and I could get a decent job. But I would be sad, feeling disrespected, my feelings ignored, and afraid he would revert back to the jerk he can be at anytime, to both me and my son. Or, he could continue to grow, but who knows if that will happen. We have been to two counselors which has been a flop, no longer how long we went. He always said he feels un-loved because of the lack of intimacy, I always said I feel un-loved because he is so disrespectful and rude to me, and won’t take care of me emotionally. It never gets solved. Yes it does get better when I give in and make love with him, but I honestly feel dirty in the process.

The question is; How do I know if it is worth it? How do I know what the right choice is, when leaving him would mean hurting my son, and bringing him further into a life of poverty, when we have the chance to be stable? I don’t know what to do. I want this relationship to work, but I don’t see how.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 1:23pm
Do you have health insurance that would cover counseling, for you. Because you need a safe place to sort out your emotions first. So you can take a step back and realize the big issue isn't the money, job, lack of Christmas presents you describe, but the emotional abuse your son suffers at the hands of his father, that you first described when writing...

Men Who Hate Women, and the Women Who Love Them, Dr. Susan Forward

The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life -- Albert Ellis

Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz

No Visible Wounds: Identifying Nonphysical Abuse of Women by Their Men by Mary Susan

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 2:07pm
Thanks, I had been going to counseling myself, and it made me more depressed than I already am. The counselor said that I should leave him, but there is that underlying fact that I do indeed love him. He recognizes his behavior, knows it is wrong, but justifies by saying, 'It's just who he is' and I don't disagree. His dad is a brute that treats his mom horribly, and she is the mouse that sits and takes it. I always feel that given that background, no wonder he knows no better. But there is that but; the majority of the time he is human.

As far as books go, there is no library here, and I certainly don't have the money to buy any. I wonder if leaving him will be a horrible mistake, and staying with him would be worse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 2:41pm
I think you are more depressed because you don't like your choices. It's a hard decision to make. Also, sometimes depression is anger turned inward. Think about that.

Do you want to some day see your son treat his wife the way he sees (or will see) his mother treated, his grandmother treated and other women treated.

Check out amazon.com or ebay - you can usually get a good deal on a used book.

My best to you.


Carrie

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 3:06pm
What qualities does he possess that you love? What values does he hold that you love? Goals? Personality traits?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Tue, 12-16-2003 - 6:18pm
Funny thing is, all those questions end with a simple sentence; 'Because he loves me.'

He has stood by me when I was not exactly easy to live with, and is the one person that has been able to undertsand and support the fact I suffer from severe depression. When I couldn't function, he was there picking up the slack, and helping me feel better. Now that I have been feeling stronger and well the last year and a half, I haven't had the need for that side of him. In fact he isn't there during the small times when I am just down for life reasons, not chemical.

He has always had the same goals and shared the same dreams, and continues to do so. He just isn't qualified to ever reach them. His values WERE the same and since we had a son, I do not share his love for parties, drinking, sex, ect. He doesn't take part anymore, but given the chance, he would be there.

I want a 'normal' life... A home, money to buy food, a decent job, and with his education and work ability, it cancels out any hope of that. IF I can get work, it will be better, since I have a degree and have a high earning potential. Problem is, no one will hire me since I no longer have references, and have been out of work so long. My part-time job won't hold any weight since I am just caring for a little boy during the day. He has serious debt that if I stay will be responsible to help with, and live with loosing that income. We will be no better ahead.

Wow, sorry, I really can't answer that question, but I sure can ramble huh?