scared and confused
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| Tue, 12-16-2003 - 2:29pm |
I never thought I would want to ask a total stranger about my personal problems, but I guess I feel that a biased opinion may be a good thing.
Here is my dilemma (I apologize for being so long-winded):
I have known this man for many years, we were good friends. I first met him when he was married, I thought happily. The two of them had been together from the age of 14 and had never dated anyone else. We lost touch for a couple of years and one day a friend had mentioned that he and his wife had broken up their 20 year relationship and had been separated for 4 or 5 months. Just by chance I ran into him several months later (in July 2002) after hearing this news. We slowly renewed our friendship. I want to stress that this was a totally platonic relationship. I was his confidante, he discussed everything with me, we talked a lot about his break up (which by the way, he did not want) and the fact it was especially hard because of their two kids. We became the best of friends.
He is a very sensitive and honest person. He has been doing a lot of self help and has come to grips of the many aspects that made his marriage fail. He has found that he was not the only one to blame. He realized that the two of them never grew emotionally. He is now on the path to self discovery.
At the beginning of October 2002 he mentioned that he had thought of asking me out. This information took me by surprise. I told him that I was very flattered but I did not think that we should do so since we were such good friends. Of course the thought had crossed my mind too but I told him that I did not think he was ready, and he agreed.
On Christmas day 2002 we began dating.
In April 2003 he told me he loved me. A few days later I told him I loved him and he freaked. He was confused and scared. He began to cry and said that he wasn't sure that he was ready for anything serious. He said he was afraid, and he did not know if he could give me what he new I wanted some time in the future (marriage, kids, etc.). I told him that I wasn’t ready for those things at this time. I suggested that we go back to being friends since I did not want to jeopardize what was most important, our friendship. After a long discussion and we decided that we should slow things down, so we did. I decided not to mention the love word until he was ready for it.
September rolled around and he had another freak out. He said that maybe he should be alone (after his separation it was the first time he had ever been alone) because he is not sure he knows himself, that he had always based his existence on his ex. He said he needed to find out who he was and be able to love himself before he could give himself to another. He didn't want to make the same mistakes he did in his marriage and he needed some time to think. All the while telling me he loved me, and that I was everything he could want and that he didn't want to give me up and so on. We ended up, after a lot of talking, continuing our relationship.
In November he calls me one day to tell me he loves me and said I deserved to hear that more often and that we needed to take a new step, he asked me to meet his son. This was a HUGE step. We met and had a good time. Everything has been going beautifully, although I have not been invited to meet his kids again.
Last week he quit his job and is making lots of positive changes about his career. This Saturday morning he called and everything exploded. He told me that he felt guilty for changing his plans on me the night before. He said that if it would have been any of his other friends that it would have been different. But because of our relationship he felt guilty for being selfish.
He basically did the same thing he did back in September. He said he was confused, he began to cry. He said that he had thought he was ready for the next step but now he is unsure. He said he wanted to try to go back to being friends for awhile so he can sort everything out in his head. I told him that I wasn’t sure I could do that now, I loved him too much and I was in it way to deep. He told me that he loved me and that I was perfect, that I did and said the right things. He says that everything we have is comfortable and familiar and he feels safe. He said he felt that he takes more than he gives (which isn't true) he says he feels bad about being selfish and he didn't know if he is capable of having a commitment at this time. He said that he thought he was but he is not sure now. He says he is scared because he sees some of the same patterns that were in his marriage, and since he doesn’t have anything else to compare it to he doesn’t know if all relationships share some of the same things or he is with me because of those patterns. He says he doesn't want to have me carry him and that he needed to learn how to take care of himself. He says he thinks he needs to be alone so he can figure out if it is just him, or if it is our relationship, or if it is something else that is making him hold back. He says he needs me in his life but he can not handle the pressure of a commitment right now, he says he does not know if he is emotionally capable. He admits that he needs therapy. He told me that he does not want to see anyone else that he just needs to be alone right now. Then he broke up with me.
We spoke later that evening and I told him he really needed to think upon this and I would give him his space.
Well that is where we are. Our 1st year anniversary is a week away and I am extremely upset. I have not heard from him since Saturday, which is very unusual (he always calls me everyday). I am scared that I may lose the one person that means the world to me. Not only is he the one I would like to spend the rest of my life with, he is my best friend.
Am I crazy? Am I wasting my time?
Confused

This is very common behavior for separated or newly divorced men, which is why I don't date men in either situation.
He got into a relationship at an age where it provided him with an identity, with security, with acceptance from family and friends and others, with success becuase it was someonee to "share his needs with".
And he created children...that were an additional burden and responsibility and joy and source of identity, security, success and acceptance for him.
He's now "freaking out" every time that something of merit transpires in your relationship togehter. That's because he doesn't want to choose another partner based on the "needs" of the moment - rather than an awareness and acceptance of self so that he can know this partner, like he knows himself.
He jumped into a confidante' type relationship with you. It mirrored what he had always wanted in his marriage, and likely didn't have at least at the end. HE found pity, and acceptance, and adoration, and admiration from you - for him....again, someting he didn't have for himself, had always looked to someone else to provide him with a sense of...and you were "it".
Now....he resents you for being "what he needs" at times in many fundamental ways - and so he freaks out and withdraws. And he "needs" you in fundamental ways for identity and acceptance that prohibit him accepting, admiring, respecting, adn desiring you as an individual for who you are -rather than the emotional components you provide him with that he "needs".
Get OUT of this rebound situation. You're the rebound girl. It's not uncommon for someone in a relationship from basically "adult infancy" to jump into another relationship where everything they thought a relationship would provide, and their fear of life and facing it as an individual and defining for themselves thier values and priorities, boundaries and goals - had them seeking a relationship to find is re-engaged in immediately.
But basically - he's in the same predictament he was with his wife - 20 years ago or more. Where he didn't want to define HIS values and priorities, he didn't want to define and pursue a successful, secure, happy, complete independent identity and lifestyle on his own...it was easier to throw himself into familial obligations, and familial standards, and meet her needs - rather than accept and define his individuality.
He keeps "freaking out" because he's doing the same thing...only he's older. And he's afraid on one hand if he doesn't get out there and become a complete person - he'll never have a great life.
And the on the other hand..he's "as old as he is" - and he's never been a complete, happy, successful, secure, independent man by his own personal definitions, efforts, means, and standards and it's easier to cling to other people's definitions and standards than it is to define his own.
He's not going to stop freaking out...and he wouldn't stop freaking out now matter how "committed" you got the situation to become. He'll easily commit - in fear or terror of being alone, being inferior or unable to travail through life's situations successfully - only to withdraw and rebel against the security he sought, when the situation is one of security and he now resents the obligations required of him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com