Do I confess?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Do I confess?
12
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 8:07am
Ok, the situation is that I've been going out with a wonderful man over 6 years, I can't fault him at all. We've talked about marriage and we both love each other very deeply. This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the moment we're living overseas together which has brought us even closer. However, where I've been working, there's this guy who consistently flirts with me even though he knows I am committed to my partner. I, for some reason play along with the flirting. It's pretty terrible of me but this guy at work is quite charming and very funny. The other night I went out for a drink with him, which turned out to be many and before I knew it, I was quite drunk. Then this guy kissed me, and I didn't push him away but kissed him back -three times! Looking back, this was a big mistake and wish I could take it back. However I am racked with guilt and would like to clear my conscience. Should I tell my partner this happened or keep it a guilty secret? I feel terrible that I'm hiding this because our relationship has been built on trust and honesty. But if I tell my boyfriend, his image of me will be forever tarnished. What do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 9:26am
When you are in a relationship it doesn't mean that you don't have feelings for anyone else any more. We just deal with them differently. But remember if you play with fire you are going to get burned. Don't be silly and get caught in a situation like that again. In my own expereince telling your partner about it will do him more harm than good.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 10:35am

I agree with the other poster, I dont this would necisarrily make things any better for you right now, and your oqn guilt may be the best punishment. You need to be more responsible about putting yourself in those types of position. I would however, make sure this other guy knows that it was all

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:03am
thanks for your comments. I have learnt my lesson now but I'm still debating on whether I should tell my boyfriend which is probably a decision I must make for myself. i'm not sure if i can live with myself, hiding this from him even though there are many good reasons to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:15pm
Only you can answer that....if the roles were reversed would you want to know what you bf did?

Think about this too - play with fire, you get burned. Getting drunk, being drunk, does NOT excuse your behavior. Alcohol lowers our inhibitions, enabling us to act on feelings, desires that we might otherwise keep in check. You did what you wanted to do. The desire to do so was there all along. So what are you going to do about that? Are you sure you are ready for a long-term, committed relationship?

I hope this situation gets resolved for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:27pm
This is a tough situation. You make me feel guilty reading your post. Honestly, I think you should tell him. Would you like him keeping something like this from you? Tell him and deal with the consequences of your action. Your guilt is not enough punishment. I think you should tell him, get it over with, and prepare for whatever comes next, because it is out of your hands. If he truly loves you, he can forgive you. But it will take time. Better to start sooner than later.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:28pm

Relieving yourself of guilt is a TERRIBLE reason to tell.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:16pm
That's what I was thinking.

Don't tell because it would do more harm than good. I am all for honesty, but there are some times when it isn't the best course. The OP screwed up, feels terrible, and has vowed never to do it again. It's a learning experience - don't go out with a friend you are attracted to. Also, although I believe kissing is cheating, I don't think it's nearly as bad as actually having sex with another person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:19pm
"If he truly loves you, he can forgive you." I am an idealist and pray that this is true. Unfortunately, it has not in my own case or in those I know. I guess it comes down to "If he truly loves you" and what love means to him.

A decision (which is not easy) must be made here. I feel for you. Choose to tell him and face the risk of loosing him or chose not to tell him and let it eat you up in side. In my own case I chose to tell and I would make that choice again even though the outcome was disasterous.

T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 4:11pm
If you are sure that this was a one-time-only situation, I say keep it to yourself, distance yourself from your co-worker, and take some time to examine why you let yourself get into this situation in the first place. So far it sounds like nothing serious has happened. As far and telling your bf- it may ease your guilt to tell him, but it would hurt him terribly, so that seems selfish. I wish you the best with whatever decision you make.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 8:59pm
At one point in time I would have agreed keep it secret what he doesn't know won't hurt him (lived through it myself) however if as she said the relationship is built on trust and honesty as all relationships should be she should tell him. It can be a lot worse if the man she kissed told her partner believe me I wish I had told my h when I had the chance but the guy told him first and needless to say h was hurt twice as bad because he asked me if anything happened between his friend and me I lied(making it hard for h to believe me when I told him it only happened once while his friend was telling a whole different story. If i hadn't lied or kept it a secret we I wouldn't have destroyed so much of his trust.

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