Need Help Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Need Help Please
24
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 9:16am
Earlier this year, I met a wonderful woman online through one of the dating sites. My profile on the dating site indicated that I had recently moved to Memphis, I was 38 yrs old and divorced. The site matched us as a 100% perfect match and it appears that we are. We have similar beliefs, similar values, similar interests, similar goals, similar dietary preferences, and a similar sense of humor.

We chatted online and emailed for a week before deciding to meet. We got along very well and she wanted to see me almost daily but she didn’t want to have sex until we got to know each other better, which was fine with me. She has two beautiful children 5 and 6 year old boys but didn’t have a regular baby sitter so going out alone was difficult. Still I was content to take the whole family out to dinner, spending most evenings with them and had fun being a part of their family. Two weeks went by before we made love and it was wonderful. I am a thoughtful and romantic lover and it was always good whether we were making love with one another or just having sex. Occasionally she liked to be a little submissive and bound. This was new to me but she encouraged me to learn about playing the dominant male and I did although be it respectfully.



During this time she bought her own house and I worked with her parent, brother in-law and sister to move her. We all got along very well together and I think we enjoyed each others company. From this point on she wouldn’t let me go home at night and I ended up putting my clothes and things at her house so I wouldn’t need to go home.

We couldn’t live without each other. We spoke 5 or 6 times during the day to each other and always wanted to be together. I had never intended to fall in love. However, after getting to know her and staying with her for a while I fell in love with her. As time went on she told me that she loved me also and I fell more deeply in love with her than I have for anyone ever.

I love her and her two little boys with all of my heart. I showered her with affection and the attention that she needed, and I look and active interest in things that she was interested in that were different to my own. I cooked with her, cleaned house with her, did the family’s laundry (although not perfectly), bathed the children and put them to bed at night. When we were alone I would rub her back, brush her hair (which she loved) or run my fingers through her hair so she could relax after helping the kids do their homework or reading to them. On the weekends I sometimes took the kids out to give her some time to herself or took one of them while she spent some individual time with the other. The boys and I grew very close and I began to think of them as my own. I really felt like we were a family and that I made them all very happy.

She was not very communicative and found it difficult to talk about her feelings or deep thoughts. She suppressed her feeling and could not let go of issues often allowing them to both her for days on end allowing them to larger issues in her mind than they really are. She recognized this was an issue in her life and asked me to be patient with her while she learned to communicate better.

I learned that we both deal with hurt and worry a little differently also. When I see someone I care about who is hurt my instinct is to hold them and protect them. When she is hurt or worried about something she pushes away and to cuts everyone around her off. I found this a little difficult at times because the children suffered most from this although in every other respect she is a good mother.

After a short time she didn’t show her appreciation very much for the many thoughtful things I did, for the many bunches flowers or for the gifts I bought for her. She would tell her friends and family how wonderful they were but she never told me, said thank you and in some cases did not even acknowledge them.



From the moment that I fell in love with her I felt a burning need to talk with her to share some thing about my past – to set the record straight. You see, I had been living a lie and the weight of the deception become too great for me to bare. I had to talk with her and let her know the truth. I knew that I had to make things right.

My profile on the dating site indicated that I had recently moved to Memphis when the truth I was only here for a work assignment for 6 months. I put my age at 38 as it attracted more responses from the age group of woman I was interested in when my true age was 45. And I lied about my marital status. I am separated and have been so for some time but I have not filed for divorce yet.

To me the mission was clear. Make truth out of as many lies I possible. So I set out to make the lies that she believed become the truth. I began looking for an apartment or house to move into to become a permanent resident of Memphis. I sought a long term assignment or permanent job here in Memphis so I wouldn’t have to travel and be apart for too long. I spoke with my attorney about investigating ways to accelerate my divorce. In New Jersey were I am from one must be separated for 18 months before being able to file for a no-fault divorce. All without her knowing.

I truly am an honest and good man, and I had made a mistake that I am deeply ashamed of and I regret it. I wanted more than anything that our future together be based on honest and trust.

The burden of the deception weighed more heavily on me with each passing day. And with each passing day it felt that we fell more deeply in love with each other and grew closer. I felt that I could no longer keep it a secret. I felt the needed to talk with her about it, to confess and to seek her forgiveness. So I asked her for a couple of hours alone to share the truth.

I admit that I once thought to myself that I shouldn’t tell her. That in time the lies would become the truth but I wanted more than anything that she knew the truth. I felt that the love she professed to have for me would be sufficient for her to forgive me and that we would have a foundation of honesty upon which to build the rest of our lives together. I tried hard for weeks to get this time with her but with her schedule and activities with the boys she would never find the uninterrupted time for me.

I became anxious to share these things with her and disappointed that she would not find the time. One evening I decided to go to the motel I was staying at and she got annoyed that I had left her. She called shortly after I arrived at the motel and I told her how disappointed I was that we had not gotten to talk with each other alone. I had taken her out for dinner and an evening alone but at the last minute she invited a close friend and her boyfriend who was visiting for out of town along and we ended up together for the evening. It was an enjoyable evening but I was disappointed that I did not get the time alone with her that I needed to share the truth with her. She was annoyed at me and she goaded me into telling her what was bothering me. So in the space of 5 minutes and without the lengthy discussion that each issue needed I blurted out them out to her. 1) That I am an ordained minister and one day may want to return to the church. 2) That I am a consultant not a permanent employee and although I had hoped to be able to stay here for a while there was not guarantee. 3) That my correct age was 45 not 38 as she believed. 4) That due to New Jersey law and the 18 month separation rule I had not yet filed for divorce but would do so in the next few months.

She was irate and had hardly spoken to me since. She refused to discuss the issues or her feelings and shortly after broke off our relationship in an email stating that he had wanted to find someone close to her own age, who as settled in the area because she did not want to move and although she does not want to be married for several years she would only date someone that was single or divorced.

I have been faithful to her from the very first time that I met her. I have not been with my ex-wife (separated wife) for many years and I only wanted to be with her. I told her of my plans to settle down in Memphis and have now done so. I now have secured a long term assignment in Memphis although I had to take a pay cut (I have sent her a copy of the contract). I make a decent living and had my income has remained at a constant level for the last 10 years which has been no small achievement in this economy. My attorney is preparing the divorce papers now, which I can serve on 12/29. I will provide her with copies of the papers. I did all of this because I love her and want to make things right between us and make her happy once more. But she won’t give me another chance.

I have always been gentle and kind to her and the boys. I have never raised my voice to her, said an unkind word to her, threatened her, or physically harmed her in any way. Yet she called the police when I went to her house to talk with her and had me arrested for harassment when I did nothing at all. The police subsequently discovered this and dropped the charges, but I had to spend a day in jail because of it.

She once told me that her ex-husband did a lot of crazy things to her. Keeping her captive in her own home, taking the telephone with him to work so she couldn’t use it, removing the keyboard from the computer so she couldn’t use it either. Apparently he always believed that she was cheating on him and she admits that when their marriage was deteriating she did indeed cheat on him. I felt that there was much more to this subject that she didn’t share with me. Perhaps something horrible and traumatic happened that has caused her to act hysterically or relive the trauma of events with her ex-husband upon seeing a mere shadow of the same behavior from me.

I avoided seeing her for over a month when Thanksgiving came and my thoughts turned to her and her beautiful children. I attempted to call her but she hung up on me. I have sent her flower, cards and many, many apologies but she remains resolute and will not talk with me.

We (her, the boys and I) all go to the same karate school although we are in different classes. Last Thursday evening the boys tested for their next belts and did well. I did not approach them at the karate school for fear that she would be aggravated but I did call afterwards to congratulate the boys as this was quite an achievement for both. She refused to let me speak to the boys and hung up again on me.

On Friday evening her and I tested for out next belts (she is a belt ahead of me). We sat on the mats in reassigned seating positions while waiting to test and I was seated directly in front of her which added to the tension of the evening. We both tested well but she tested exceptionally well and was commended for her performance. After testing I ran to the change room to change and leave. As I was leaving she walked up behind me dressed to go out. She looked gorgeous (she is the most beautiful woman in the world to me). I went to my car and she stood looking while I put my things in the car. I felt that she waited because may have wanted to say something to me so I called her cell phone as I drove away and she hung up on me again.

I have made one more attempt to talk with her since and I have written her an email but she has not responded.

I have tried to date other woman since but can’t bring myself to be with them because I only want to be with her.

I am really confused and have lots of questions. Did she really love me as she said she did? Did I ever really make her happy? If she did love me why can’t she forgive me? What did I do wrong to drive her so far away from me when I felt we were so close? Why did she tell her friends and family vicious lies about me? Why is she nasty to me when I have always treated her kindly? Why does she appear to be afraid of me when I have never done anything to harm her and have always been respectful and nice to her? Why won’t she talk with me?

I very much want a second chance with her but I don’t know how to get it if she won’t communicate and we can’t discuss the issues. I love her and the children and miss them terribly. What should I do to make things right with her? How do I rescue a relationship when it is this far gone?

Why do I bother you might ask? Because I think that underneath the hate and bitterness there is a wonderful, kind and caring person with whom I would like to wake up with for the rest of my life.

Please help. T

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 10:04am

You lied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 10:15am
Thank you for taking the time to read my long post Sherri. I did a horrible thing for which I am deeply ashamed. I made a great mistake. I expected to take some abuse when posting. That too was the risk I took. I am however, looking for guidance, a way to fix things and to make things right for both of us.

Thanks again, T

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 12:32pm

you not only did something terrible to her

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:06pm

There's no "fixing things" in this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:46pm
sk1960, thank you for your reply but you could not be further from the truth. I fessed up. I took responsibilty for my actions and also to correct the situation. I do not blame her for anything. She is the innocent party and I am totaly to blame.

Perhaps that is the hardest thing for me to take. I found the woman I had been waiting for all of my life and I destroyed it. Condemnation does nothing to help. I beat up on myself every day for ruining a perfect relationship with a loving and careing woman that I would have been happy with all the days of my life.

Thanks for your post. T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:53pm
Sheri, thank you for taking the time to post. Your comments however reflect a severe lack of understanding. I lied or rather allowed her to believe a lie. I am not a liar and have never lied to her or any one else for that matter about anything else. I understand more about moral character than most. I also understand about unconditional love, forgiveness, and compassion. I don't expect absolution for this group and I don't expect the mean spirited venom either.

Thanks for the post, T

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:59pm

Man, you are

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:09pm
Sheri, please do not prolong this dialog. I live with the consequences of my actions every day as do all of us. I was wrong! I am not in denial.

You are only partially correct Sheri, about unconditional love. While unconditional love is from God and from many parents it is also OF God and everyone who accepts Him.

Merry Christmas Sheri, T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 4:25pm
As you have said, you lied to this woman for quite some time. When you finally told her the truth, she chose to walk away. There really is no way for you to right this wrong with this woman. You took a chance and lied and the inevitable happened. She has the right to move on with her life. Take this as a lesson learned and don't repeat your mistakes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: nykoala
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 5:15pm
The people who have responded to you have been kinder than someone like you deserves and I'll try my hardest to do the same. Your subject says "Need Help Please", this is the last bit of truth and sanity I noticed in your post. Yes, you do need psychological help, not your ex, You! Not only have you proven to be a liar and an adulterer, you're now a stalker and trying to justify it all. You mention God, forgiveness and unconditional love. She may have already forgiven you but there is a difference between forgiveness and stupidity. She is smart enough not to put herself and her children in a position where you can deceive them again. Open your eyes! She's clearly indicated that you are no longer welcome in her life but you continue to call her (and her children), write her, send her flowers and appear at her home and you think you're not scaring her. When you pursue someone who has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you, you are harassing and stalking her. Stop blaming her ex for your problems, leave her and her family alone and get some therapy before you find yourself back in jail.

B.J.

Mommy to Samantha Renee 12/11/04

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