Keep it light or go deep?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Keep it light or go deep?
32
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 11:41am
tomorrow i am meeting my ex? GF for lunch. she broke up with me a few days before thanksgiving -- very suddenly, without warning, after an intense year together when we slept together virtually every night and shared dinner, breakfast, drives to work, vacations -- EVERYTHING. Then, suddenly, she announced she was breaking up saying she needed time and space. we last saw each other about two weeks ago -- she said she loved me and hugged me. she had tears in her eyes as she left. i have honored her request for time and space, as tough as it is. My question is, regarding tomorrow, should i just keep it all light and happy, as if i've sort of moved on? Talk about our holiday plans, work, etc. and nothing deep about us? i really want to find out more, what she's thinking, where she's at, etc. but i also don't want to sound desperate or pushy. i love her so much. a couple of close friends have told me to not bring up anything about us -- just kep it light and on the surface. First of all, i'm not sure I can do that. I want to tell her that I love her and think about her all the time. i want to share where i'm at -- and hear where she's at. it seems wierd to not have that sort of discussion considering the depth of what we shared - that she should understand and expect, and maybe even want a conversation about us and where we're at. any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 12:12pm
'i really want to find out more, what she's thinking, where she's at, etc.'

Then ask her. Don't play games and keep it light if you don't want to. I can't imagine that it will be light anyway. It sounds like your ex wants to talk.

You should be asking yourself what you really want to do if she tells you she wants to get back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 12:35pm
there's nothing that indicates she wants to get back together -- so i don't expect at all that will be the case. she didn't inititate the lunch -- i did -- regarding a project that we work together on in our working lives. i agree though that it would be strange to not get into our situation -- I really don't see how that kind of conversation would go considering the emotional intensity we have. as i said, others are advising me to keep it on the surface -- you're the first who has suggested otherwise. i have a hole in my heart and in my gut -- it's there with me every minute and i go from moments of acceptance (brief) of the situation to many more moments of panic, fear and even anger at myself for what i have lost -- and i don't even know that i did anything wrong. that's part of the reason i want a dialogue -- i need to hear more directly what happened as this was coming down, why she felt she needed to be so sudden and so completely shutdown from me, rather than letting things percolate a bit while we took some time off, but still maintain some contact. Now, she has indicated she really doesn't want any contact while she needs her "time and space."
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:14pm

Thanksgiving was'nt that long ago, so I think if you throw all of your feelings on her, you'll both get pushed back to square one and you dont want that.I understand how hard it is NOT to tell her how your feeling, or to somehow maintain a happy medium....but you need to, or cancel this whole meeting all together. I dont think she doesnt love you, but it sounds like with as much time as you guys were spending as a couple, she forgot how to be "her". Let her have time to find that, and Im bet she'll come around.


As for the "meeting", keep it light for the most past, let her in on what you've been up to, and give her a chance to tell you about how she's been.If she goes into the past between you guys, then talk about, if not, leave well enough alone and see if she comes around on her own.


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:22pm
***i need to hear more directly what happened as this was coming down, why she felt she needed to be so sudden and so completely shutdown from me

and what will you do with this info if and when you get it?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:26pm

I would completely follow her lead.


Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 1:47pm
wow -- you are all great! thank you sooooo much for your comments and suggestions. i need to calm myself down and not come on strong, i agree. as for what i plan to do with the information -- probably nothing more than cry. but i find myself analyzing everything that took place between us in the three days preceeding her sudden pronouncement, trying to figure out what i did that made her feel like she had to do this. it's driving me crazy. i'm thinking how i responded to her initial coldness and distance the day before she announced the breakup, the anxiety i felt as i could tell something was up but didn't know what, how i responded to that, as we were in bed that night she asked me to cuddle her and i, knowing something wasn't quite right but not asking about it, so i was obviously wound up and couldn't relax and wasn't into cuddling but at the same time wouldn't say what was on my mind for fear of her thinking I was too needy. or, was it the weekend before when during an out of town trip for work she didn't get home until 4 a.m. and was pretty wasted when i reached her on the telephone, and i let her know that i was happy she was okay but was upset that i hadn't heard from her and was worried about her. or, was it that when she began to tell me on the day of the breakup, when i finally confronted her about the distance and coldness i was perceiving, that she was dealing with some issues that she was thinking through, and i pushed her to find out what they were and when she said it was about us i didn't handle it well and was upset, given that this had been building since the day before and my anxiety was already high. lots of possibilities, maybe all, maybe none apply. i don't know what i would do with the information, except that I would know, and you're right, it wouldn't really matter. for the record, she has told me since that i did not do anything wrong when i asked, but i can't rationalize the suddeness of her decision, after hearing her the days before on her out of town trip telling me how much she hated being away, how much she wanted to be with me, etc. The turnabout was just too dramatic and confusing for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:03pm
There are some contributors here whose opinions and insight are fair, balances and understanding. cl-marsexpert is one of those contributors and as I am in a somewhat similar situation of my own I agree with her comments.

Keep it light, tell he about what's going on in your life, listen if she tells you what is happening in hers and only talk about the serious stuff if she leads you there. Take it slow.

Best wished, T

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:13pm
I was in a relationship like this once, except that I was the one that broke it off. Sometimes people suddenly change, and don't want the same things they used to want for so long. I dated a guy for two years, and one day, I woke up and wasn't in love with him anymore. It happens. But if you love her, and you want to get back together, you have to tell her. If she doesn't reciprocate, then move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 2:19pm
'and i don't even know that i did anything wrong. that's part of the reason i want a dialogue -'

Exactly the reason you need to find out and ask her what happened. You need closure not a guessing game of why she left or others opinions of why she left.It will help you to move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 3:11pm
the question is -- how can i go there -- 'and i don't even know that i did anything wrong. that's part of the reason i want a dialogue' -- and keep the conversation "light" as others have indicated. or, should i hold off for now, keep it light, and ask for an explanation a little later down the road. here we are, headed into new year's eve, and i don't even feel i can ask her out, or that if i do she will reject me, which will be even worse. this is very painful

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