How can I trust my feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
How can I trust my feelings?
2
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 6:06pm
I have been seeing my boyfriend on and off for almost two years. We dated for a year before we broke up the first time and everything was great, until it felt like I just suddenly fell out of love almost overnight. We've gotten back together and broke up twice since then... the last time because most of our relationship has been long distance (except the first few months) and we realized that although the distance wasn't the entire problem, the other problems were difficult to fix when we only saw each other a few times a month. We decided to call it off. Not long after that I got this overwhelming feeling that it wasn't over, and after some convincing, long discussions, and agreements to finally fix things, we got back together. I think we were both happier than we had been in over a year, probably the happiest I'd ever been. I was scared my feelings were just flip flopping again, but this time it was too strong to ignore. But once again... it's gone. I don't have any desire to be with him and there's times when I'm even repulsed. And yet I was blissfully happy two weeks ago. What's going on?

I have problems with him, but I don't know if it's ones I create because don't want to be with him or if we could work on them or not. He can be arrogant, cynical, inconsiderate... often it just seems like he's playing a part, even if he doesn't know it. I feel like I see through him. But I don't know if those are things I'm trying to see, because during the good times, I forget about all that. But is it really love if so often I just want to get away from him? I'm scared to act on my feelings anymore because they always change so drastically. Also, we've discussed me moving to his town. If our relationship has a chance, it would definitely give it the best chance if we were in the same town. And I have a feeling that if I don't move and try it, I might always wonder if that would have been the thing that made us work. But I have so many doubts. Why do my feelings change so drastically so often and what can I do about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 12-17-2003 - 6:41pm
'Also, we've discussed me moving to his town. If our relationship has a chance, it would definitely give it the best chance if we were in the same town.'

Yikes! You are willing to leave everything and move to be with an arrogant, cynical inconsiderate man who repulses you and with whom you have broken it off 3 times?? Distance does not create these personality traits. Distance does not create repulsion.

'agreements to finally fix things'

Exactly how dod you agree to fix things? What proactive steps did you take to solve the problems in your relationship?

Do some serious soul searching first. Start journaling. Go to counseling. Just take some other steps before you move to find out why your feelings and emotions are on a rollar coaster.


Edited 12/17/2003 6:43:27 PM ET by ciao_gina

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 11:12am
I'm probably magnifying his bad qualities right now because I'm so frustrated. Overall, he's not a bad person. He (and we as a couple) are kind of "good on paper"--I could list a million reasons why I should be with him. For the first year I didn't need to justify things like that, I *felt* all those things... but sometimes I just have the list in my head and can't figure out why I can't make it work with a guy that seems so right. When we broke up I kept wishing I could appreciate the good things... like the fact that I know how much he loves me, despite the fact that I don't like the way he goes about trying to show it sometimes. It's hard to let go because we do have a unique connection and it's one of my first relationships that's actually made it to long-term. Also, I'd by lying if I didn't say my family isn't an influence. My mom loves him and if we broke up without ever giving it a chance in the same town, I know she'll always think we didn't try everything we could and that it had potential. I wish her approval didn't mean so much to me, but my only other serious relationship ended because she didn't like the guy, and the situation almost destroyed my relationship with her, too.