trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
trust
13
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:58am
I recently accused my girlfriend of 5 months of cheating. She had bought a neglege, cut her hair and had a lunch date with a "friend" she used to work with. She denies she would ever cheat. Now she says I don't trust her and she shouldnt have to justify her actions because she loves me and wouldn't cheat. I screwed up is there anything I can say to save this relationship

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 9:31am
Part of trust in a relationship is the ability to trust yourself that no matter what happens you can deal with it in a respectful manner. You and your GF have free-will and neither of you can control each other's actions, hence needing the ability to trust yourself.

Part of being an honorable man means being able to admit when you are wrong and to apologize with respect and dignity. You need to do this ASAP. Perhaps the neglige is just as much for you as it is for her. Focus on positive outcomes rather than letting your fears (especially of rejection) drag you into negative patterns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 12:51pm

First of all, shame on you! I hope you had more evidence than a lunch and a negligee. I have to say I am in a similar situation, only on the other end. I was accused of cheating on my DH, which I would NEVER do. I have a friend in Alaska whom I've known since we were 13. We email back and forth and sometimes those emails are a bit flirty. But if we haven't done anything in 20 years, we certainly won't do it now!!! Well, DH accused me of having an affair and now doesn't trust me. (Of course this was surely irrational because my friend lives 3,000 miles away from me!) I surely wish he had

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 5:43pm
friend 2 you, hello. Something popped out at me about your situation in your response to fiddlers 3. I think the greatest thing about these boards is they help to see things from all sides and points of view. Often, I can't see something that's obvious to others only becasue I am in the thick of it. I mean no offence, I just want to offer my opinion, for what it's worth.

You wrote, "To me, trust is the single most important thing in a relationship. Without it, the relationship dies. I should know...my marriage isn't doing very well right now."......It sounds like you are aware that your marriage is currently dying and it's due to lack of trust.

"(that's how I got my DH in the first place), I like to flirt." He was there too. He remembers how you 'got' him. He enjoyed you flirting with him so much that he wanted it for the rest of his life.........He sees who you're flirting with now and it isn't him anymore.

If I saw my man treating some other woman in the same intimate and familiar manner he treats me (or used to), I think I'd have trust issues. And in your H's shoes, if your honest, I think you would too. You may not have 'technically' broken the trust (maybe due only to distance, in H's eyes) but you admit "That trust is withering and it has to be earned back in my DH's eyes"

So, do you want to fix it? Is your marriage worth it? It's a fairly simple fix. There is no need to stop flirting. I like flirting too. There's a part of ever woman that was born to flirt (men too) The thing is, when you're exclusively committed to someone, that someone is the *only* person you should be flirting with. I am often baffled by men but, I do believe this: If you flirt with your husband ONLY and let him know that *he* is special and desirable to you,(like you used to) you will build and hold his trust and you'll hold his attention where other women are concerned.

It seems a shame for a marriage to die from a badly aimed wink or such.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 6:09pm
fiddlers 3, your relationship is 5 months old. Is this her first hair cut since you've known her? Does she own other negliges or is this the first time she's ever gotten one? Has she gone out for lunch with someone other than you before this or only ever with you? Is it the hair cut and neg. combo that got you going, the neg and lunch date, or what? Is 5 months really enough time to know her spending frequency and socializing habits? She should not have to justify any of this. You owe her an apology. It will be her choice to forgive you or not. You can not do anything about that.

I'm glad you admit that you made a mistake in this accusation. I think you need to figure out why? For some "reason?", you made the olympic jump to conclusions. You need to do what ever you must to get to the bottom of that or the next time, this girl (if you're lucky)or another will be unjustly accused because...oh, I don't know, maybe.... she went to a new donutshop after just having washed her car! Oh, no!... See what I mean?

Good luck. If you're the 'learn from your mistakes' sort, I hope she's the forgiving sort.

Keep looking up^, Susan

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:28pm

Tell her you screwed up, made a mistake and are sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 9:09pm
Ok yes I have appologized more than once. Yes it has only been 5 months but the relationship has moved forward quickly. I had given her a fantasticly romantic birthday. Cooked a great candle light dinner, gave her body lotion scented candles a whirlpool bath a tasteful silk nighty, and a rose. A little over a week later she buys another nighty thing. Why? She showed it to me and acted like she wasn't going to put it on until I asked her to. She said she loved the one I gave her. This whole lunch thing is fishy. We talk about everything daily but she never mentioned this lunch date which she claims she made 2 weeks ago. She never mentioned the persons name. We agreed to date exclusivly and have both been in relationships where we were cheated on. I admit I am quick to jump to conclusions and fly off the handle. I've explained to her that I made a mistake by thinking the way that I was. She accepts that but still seems aloof as if she is waiting for another screw up. I told her I can't promise that I won't fly off the handle but I would do my best to not jump to conclusions. We have planned christmas together as a special time, but i'm afraid that if the air dosn't clear it will be a tense time for both of us. I believe the key is lack of information. With a little bit more info I would have just accepted the situation and thought nothing of it. It was the spur of the moment lunch thing that set me off. We had just spent a fantastic weekend together and then I blow it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:13pm
What difference does an apology make if you're still suspicious and distrustful of her? Your apology means nothing since you're still questioning "why" she would buy a nightgown, and saying that her making a lunch date is "fishy" and telling her that you might fly off the handle in the future. And if you'd fly off the handle over such trivial life things as this, what else will you fly off the handle about? Women buy nightgowns, maybe she liked the one you got and wanted another one. She's entitled to buy herself a nightgown if she wants to. Women have lunch with friends and aren't obligated to give you a minute by minute schedule of what they're doing and with whom. Maybe it wasn't on her mind when you talked. Having lunch with an old co-worker is allowed. I make lunch dates with people and don't think about it again until it comes up on the calendar. And women cut their hair. Big deal. When you have trust, insecurity, jealousy problems, the answer is not to harrass her over living a life and doing normal things - it's to get yourself some help to work out your personal problems. I don't blame her a bit for waiting for you to go off on her again since you've basically told her you would. She knows it might happen again, over little to nothing, and she HAS to protect herself from it. Who wouldn't? You have proven to her that YOU can't be trusted. Behavior like this drives people to hide normal life activities, thoughts and feelings because they don't want to be, and shouldn't have to be, attacked over them. If you want to make this right, you're going to have to MEAN it when you apologize instead of continuing to justify your silly, immature behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:24pm
Point well taken......any ideas how to change this line of thinking. I don't want to sabatoge this relationship with my jealous thoughts and behavior.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 10:39pm
The only way to change this line of thinking is by getting counselling. It may be helpful to print off some of the responses so you can clearly communicate to your counsellor what it is you'd like to work on changing. No one can change you. You can only change you. You can't change anyone else.

You may already have sabatoged this relationship with your jealous thoughts and behavior. Take some time alone to heal this part of you. With help, you can learn not to do the same in your next relationship.



keep looking up^, Susan

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
In reply to: fiddlers_3
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 12:36am
Just a few thoughts. You bought her a nighty, you seemed to like it, she bought another one and implied that she's wear it when you asked her to. It sounds like she was trying to make you happy, not suspicious. As for the lunch, it could be an oversight by either of you. Maybe she innocently forgot to tell you, or, is it even remotely possible that she told you and you forgot? I can't even comment on the hair thing because it is just silly. The most eye-opening things you said was that you were cheated on in the past and that you tend to fly off the handle. At this point, it doesn't seem like she is cheating on you, you've apologized, so let it go. If you don't, then your holidays will be tense. If you do, she just might wear that new nighty for you!

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