trust
Find a Conversation
trust
| Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:58am |
I recently accused my girlfriend of 5 months of cheating. She had bought a neglege, cut her hair and had a lunch date with a "friend" she used to work with. She denies she would ever cheat. Now she says I don't trust her and she shouldnt have to justify her actions because she loves me and wouldn't cheat. I screwed up is there anything I can say to save this relationship

Pages
Part of being an honorable man means being able to admit when you are wrong and to apologize with respect and dignity. You need to do this ASAP. Perhaps the neglige is just as much for you as it is for her. Focus on positive outcomes rather than letting your fears (especially of rejection) drag you into negative patterns.
First of all, shame on you! I hope you had more evidence than a lunch and a negligee. I have to say I am in a similar situation, only on the other end. I was accused of cheating on my DH, which I would NEVER do. I have a friend in Alaska whom I've known since we were 13. We email back and forth and sometimes those emails are a bit flirty. But if we haven't done anything in 20 years, we certainly won't do it now!!! Well, DH accused me of having an affair and now doesn't trust me. (Of course this was surely irrational because my friend lives 3,000 miles away from me!) I surely wish he had
You wrote, "To me, trust is the single most important thing in a relationship. Without it, the relationship dies. I should know...my marriage isn't doing very well right now."......It sounds like you are aware that your marriage is currently dying and it's due to lack of trust.
"(that's how I got my DH in the first place), I like to flirt." He was there too. He remembers how you 'got' him. He enjoyed you flirting with him so much that he wanted it for the rest of his life.........He sees who you're flirting with now and it isn't him anymore.
If I saw my man treating some other woman in the same intimate and familiar manner he treats me (or used to), I think I'd have trust issues. And in your H's shoes, if your honest, I think you would too. You may not have 'technically' broken the trust (maybe due only to distance, in H's eyes) but you admit "That trust is withering and it has to be earned back in my DH's eyes"
So, do you want to fix it? Is your marriage worth it? It's a fairly simple fix. There is no need to stop flirting. I like flirting too. There's a part of ever woman that was born to flirt (men too) The thing is, when you're exclusively committed to someone, that someone is the *only* person you should be flirting with. I am often baffled by men but, I do believe this: If you flirt with your husband ONLY and let him know that *he* is special and desirable to you,(like you used to) you will build and hold his trust and you'll hold his attention where other women are concerned.
It seems a shame for a marriage to die from a badly aimed wink or such.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
I'm glad you admit that you made a mistake in this accusation. I think you need to figure out why? For some "reason?", you made the olympic jump to conclusions. You need to do what ever you must to get to the bottom of that or the next time, this girl (if you're lucky)or another will be unjustly accused because...oh, I don't know, maybe.... she went to a new donutshop after just having washed her car! Oh, no!... See what I mean?
Good luck. If you're the 'learn from your mistakes' sort, I hope she's the forgiving sort.
Keep looking up^, Susan
Tell her you screwed up, made a mistake and are sorry.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
You may already have sabatoged this relationship with your jealous thoughts and behavior. Take some time alone to heal this part of you. With help, you can learn not to do the same in your next relationship.
keep looking up^, Susan
Pages