My husband says he never wins

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
My husband says he never wins
4
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 1:47pm
I've been married to my husband for 1.5 years. I've always been a big talker/discusser and he has always been quiet and reserved. we fought seldon until recently. According to him, when I seek advise from him and he gives it, i never accept what he is saying and put him in a position in which he never wins. I dont understand what this means. When he proposes a solution aand I argue back its really my way of continueing the debate or the conversation. it doesnt mean i dont accept his answer. he thinks i never listen to him....

the bigger issue is if I am a talker how can I continue to live with some one who feels a good relationship is one that has no disagreements?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 2:07pm
Well, I always find that when people give advice that I don't like, the best thing to do is say "hmm..That's something to think about". Then it's up to me whether or not to take it. If someone asked me for advice, I give it and then they say "Well, that won't work because....." then I stop giving advice. It almost feels like their looking for an argument or debate or making endless excuses to not put forth effort in solving the problem.

btw, I've recently been accused of this very same thing with my bf. After thinking about it for awhile, I realized he may have a point. At times it's almost a knee-jerk reaction to disagree with what he says without really thinking it through or picking my battle

I'm not saying you are wrong or at fault in these arguments, but since we can only change our OWN behavior, it's something to think about.

Best wishes.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 6:44pm
I know everyone seems to be bringing up Dr Phil these days like he is the end all be all of problem solving, but this reminded me of one thing I heard him say awhile back. He said that in his studio, they love every idea for 15 minutes - meaning that whenever anybody has an idea, they "try it on" for a little while to see if it's a good idea. Maybe your husband doesn't think that you take the time to consider his ideas before you pan them.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:18pm

It seems from what you've said that it isn't that your husband doesn't want you to talk, but he wants you to hear what he says to you, and to acknowledge his response. Good communication involves two parts - talking, and listening to the other. Listening means that you let the other person know that you've heard them, and what they are saying to you. If you do accept some of what he suggests, it is important that you let him know that. Tell him the parts you accept. Tell him the ways in which he helps, supports and gives to you. It sounds to me as though he is asking for acknowledgment of who he is and the ways in which he contributes to you. He wants to know that he has something valuable to contribute and that it affects you. There are many ways to talk to someone - some communication or debating is for the purpose of making the other feel powerless, or insignificant. Step back a bit and really take time to see what your goal is in communicating with him. Is it just to share ideas, or is it to win? Perhaps there are deeper issues between the two of you that need to be aired out? Of course you can continue to live with him, but you also may need some outside help in learning how to communicate well together, to listen to one another and be heard.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:44pm
You should read 'Men are From Mars....'. It explains all of this. Ever notice that when you want to complain about your day, your husband wants to solve your problems? And yoru girlfriends are great at saying things like 'Wow that sucks' and trading similar stories?My H does this too and it drives me crazy so I have to preface my bitch session with 'I just need you to listen' He also is offended if I counter his advice ("I can't do that because ....")and we go back and forth until we give up. Try asking for what you need from him beforehand.