I screwed up! Need advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
I screwed up! Need advice...
9
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 3:39pm
Hi. I'm a 30 y.o. guy in a 2 1/2 year relationship. She lives an hour away and is completing graduate school in the spring. We both wanted to get married some time next year and an engagement was imminent.

But I screwed up and I think it might be over. GF, while an incredible person, is very insecure. We've been battling it for some time and I do whatever I can to help. She is very sensitive about my X (gf) before her, whom I dated for 4 years but I wasn't in love and broke it off. She no longer lives here and our communication has been very limited or none at all. But GF still spends a lot of time worrying about X.

That's the context (in fairness to GF). A few weeks ago, pure coincidence, I was online and for some unknown reason I checked X's status (she has had the same email/IM for a long time) and I saw that she was online. We chatted for about 2 hours and got very reminiscent about our past sexual relationship and I was very complimentary of her. We also indulged in some discussion about the types of sexual things we have been doing since breaking up (not with each other of course) and the discussion clearly left reality, as it was almost like a BS contest, and she described some orgy on a boat, and i was acting like it was a hot story. I swear that it was not cybersex, I wasn't doing anything other than typing. Long story short, I saved the message (she had given some long lost friends' email addresses in it) and GF saw it and of course it was a terrible terrible turn of events.

I know that what I did was wrong. Though my GF is usually an hour away during the week, and I live alone and can get a little down and lonely time to time, I was not engaging in some online sex life. This was an isolated event. I don't get into cybersex and I don't have lingering feelings towards my X. Current GF is so superior in so many ways. But her insecurity about X has caused her to ask a lot of questions about the past and she knows so much that made this whole thing so bad. I don't care about X, I am very much in love with GF and want desperately to fix this. I have strong convictions against cheating and I have not so much as kissed another girl in the 2 1/2 years with GF. (GF has actually kissed another guy twice -not same guy- and I have worked it out with her and been understanding and forgiving).

At the present time, she has decided that she is going to move on, and that the damage is too great. I have read so much about this type of thing on various sites in the last few weeks. I understand that it was a terrible thing to do but its not the way i feel, its not what I want. I'll admit that we've had problems lately, and perhaps subconsciously I was filling some need, but I absolutely have interest in X or even further chats like that. I know that many relationships go through far worse traumas than this but given GF's worries, this was akin to her worse fear.

We have talked about it and even spent some time together (had great time, like always) but she still wants to break up. She's a special person and I don't want to lose her, especially something so unusual, that is not even what i want or feel.

Sorry for the length... I hope that someone may have some insight or suggestions. Right now all I have is regret.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 3:59pm

Unfortunately, aside from apologizing and letting her know that you realize what you did wrong and how awful it was, and you will NEVER repeat that type of behavior, there's not much you can do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:06pm
I agree. For as much time as you spent trying to help her work though her insecurities with your X, all that this situation did was RE-ENFORCE her insecurities...and you probably should have expected her to bail out right after that. After all, if she had trouble trusting you while you were together, and then you did something to validate her feelings, what else can you expect from her? I'd say box up her stuff and call it a day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:29pm
Thanks for the input. You're right and I recognize that I have brought this on myself and that it was totally wrong. I guess the only thing that is really bothering me is the extent to which I have been flexible, understanding, and FORGIVING throughout this relationship. She has done numerous things that could have ended this relationship. But I love her and I would work through it, seeing the big picture and recognizing that mistakes happen and things occur that aren't reflective of the true feelings. Her problems have rendered my emotions/feelings virtually irrelevant throughout this relationship, because we were always dealing with her. Is it inappropriate for me to feel hurt from this too? To feel like if she felt as strongly about me as I did about her that she would want to reconcile this? To recognize that it was a mistake and it isn't reflective of my feelings/desires and get past it together?

The answer isn't always just to walk away. Successful relationships get through adversity and many through significantly worse adversity than this. I was always giving and forgiving throughout this relationship. We're 30 and 27 respectively and both want a future in a successful monogamous relationship/marriage. While i clearly screwed up royaly, I'm not a flirt, I'm not a cheater, I'm not a player, I don't go to strip clubs, I don't watch porn behind her back and I feel very strongly about her. I never talk to my X, this was totally isolated.

Given all of this I don't feel that its inappropriate for me to feel somewhat hurt by her lack of forgiveness. She has erred on numerous occassions. For her to have such a low tolerance in return is troubling. (I don't want to send the wrong message here. I definitely know the pain i caused her and I have already struggled with that. I'm not saying "i'm the one who is hurt", just raising a point and i think its okay of me to feel that way).

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:39pm

I'm not getting the sense that you see what a BIG deal this is!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:57pm
I was trying, perhaps unsuccessfully, to convey that I absolutely comprehend the magnitude and I have experienced regret to the point of self-loathing over it. I understand the depth of the damage.

I was using the porn/strip/cyber whatever references just to say that I don't do those types of things, I'm not the type of guy that displays that pattern of behavior, which apparently is common according to these message boards. BUT I, in no way, mean to attempt to diminish the mistake I made with such comparisons. I'm only seeking to show just how isolated this was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 8:35am
It seems to me like you both have some issues you need to work out (both individually and together). She has kissed 2 other guys, you're having an extremely inappropriate communication with the one person she is most insecure about... Are you trying to hurt/test each other, because that's how it sounds to me. You've stated more than once that you've forgiven her indescretion, and are hurt that she can't forgive yours. Maybe, deep down, you saved that message, knowing that she might see it, to test her. I just find it hard to believe that you just fell into this sexual conversation with the the source of your gf's insecurities and then just happened to save it so she could accidentally find it. You need to really think about your motives before you can truly apologize to your gf and ask her forgiveness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 6:55pm
"but I absolutely have interest in X or even further chats like that"

I believe that is what is called a "Freudian slip"...Sounds like you are a little obsessed with your X. You've given your GF good reason to feel insecure. But since you have forgiven her for kissing other guys, perhaps she will forgive you. Or maybe you don't really want her to forgive you? Maybe you should take some time to think about what you really want. If it was me I might forgive, if the guy was willing to promise me never to speak to or about X again. Iri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 10:38pm
Chewy005,

I feel bad for you. All the responses you are getting to this post are from women. They pretty much stick together when guys screw up. No sympathy whatsoever. I was trying to figure out if it happened to me how I would feel. I thought I would be able to brush it off and then I thought to myself, "You are crazy. You'd feel the same way the GF does as well as the other people responding." This is a tough one.

When you are dealing with a girl that is insecure, especially about an XGF, you have to tread very lightly (or not at all-that is the better advice). I kind of agree with the previous posts, that maybe you need to reflect upon yourself as well as your relationship with GF. Something was wrong or missing or SOMETHING if you engaged in a 2 HOUR online chat with your X about sex. SOMETHING with your current relationship is missing or needs fixing and you arent even aware of it.

Your best bet is to not give up, don't let her go. Call her, stop by to talk (not to the stalker extent though). Professing undying love with tears might help (if that is how you truly feel). But again, dealing with an insecure woman and violating that insecurity with what makes her insecure.....that's hard scar tissue to repair.

I wish you luck. We are a difficult breed. My husband will atest to that!


Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 1:51am
Well first off I have to ask why you would have printed the whole conversation if all you needed from it was another person's address - why didn't you just jot down the address instead of keeping the incriminating evidence??? Unless you wanted to have it to read later as some type of erotica or something! I feel this was a very poor choice on your part.

I agree with some of the other posters in that you should consider if this relationship was really as good as you thought it was that you were even doing this with your ex? I mean, sure we all get bored at times, but knowing you had this jealous GF anyway, didn't that send off a warning bell to you at what you were doing?

Women take these kinds of things seriously and with your GF's past, I think it is highly unlikely that she will be able to get past this. By now she has imagined that you have been sleeping with the Ex and who knows what else - it has taken on a life of its own!

If your GF didn't have these jealousy issues, which I feel stem back to low self esteem, then you might have a better chance at repairing your damage. If you can somehow get an audience with her and tell her everything you told us in your original post and admit you were so wrong, etc. and be truly honest with her, one day she might possibly take you back - but honestly I doubt it. But hey, give it a try, depends on how much she is willing to work onthe relationship and how much she loves you.

Some people can never get past cheating issues and to her this is a cheating issue. I guess this can be chaulked up to a learning lesson for you, and a hard one at the sounds of things. You are valid in feeling hurt that she won't give it another try and forgive you as you have forgiven her her indiscretions, but her indescretions were not with *her* ex. I wish you much luck here as you will need lots of it...

Sherri