Boyfriend doesn't communicate

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Boyfriend doesn't communicate
1
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 4:10pm
Okay, this is my first time posting here, although I have read quite a bit. I need some unbiased advice for what is going on in my relationship right now. Be forwarned that this could be a long message due to having to explain everything.

Here is our background. We have been dating for almost a year in January. At our 6 month mark he broke up with me because he felt pressured to be in the relationship by our friends and his family. He didn't feel like the relationship was his choice anymore. Well, I was completely heart broken. We remained friends and still saw each other almost everyday, which did not help me get over him. But a month later, the middle of august, he asked me back. I was afraid but said yes because it is what I truly wanted. I told him at that point that he cannot be afraid to talk to me about anything, since his lack of communication led me to believe that everything was fine until I wised up and confronted him, but by that time it was too late. He had it set to break up with me. He agreed to talk to me this time around and the relationship has been great. Except for the past week. We are both in college and this week is our finals week. An undoubtably stressful time. Well, his behavior towards me has changed over the past week. I have found that it started when he told me that he had a study date with a girl from one of his classes and that it would be at her house. I am the jealous type and he is too. I have been aware of this part of my personality for quite a while and am pretty good at controlling it, but I did make him aware that I was uncomfortable with it. I was asking for him to console me and tell me that there is no reason to be jealous, that the meeting was only to study for the class final. He did do that, but ever since then he has been very snipy with me, less patient, and more distracted. I noticed this immediately, and let it ride for a couple days, by chalking it up to stress with finals. But it has been this way for a week, and it doesn't seem like finals stress anymore. I have given him many opportunities this past week to talk to me and tell me if I am getting on his nerves or whatever is bugging him off his chest. He hasn't done it. I am so upset right now! He will not communicate with me unless I force him too, but then it feels like I am attacking him. The part that is really scaring me is that this week is feeling just like 6 months ago when he broke my heart. That may be me being paranoid, but I wouldn't count it out. I don't want to lose him. I want to work through this 6 month curse we seem to have, I just need to know how to convince him to stay with me. Things are great when he isn't stressed and when he is relaxed, but when he starts freaking out about anything, it always gets dragged into our relationship and it threatens to break us up, either with his rash decisions in a stressful time, or my frustration.

Okay, I know I kind of went all over the place there, but I needed to get this all out so maybe someone can give me some outsider advice on what is going on and what I can do to ensure the security of my relationship. I treasure this man in my life and do not want to lose him, but I need him to talk to me.

Any advice on any part of this would be great. Even an analysis would be fine. Thanks so much!

Bree

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 12-18-2003 - 8:48pm
Hi and welcome to the board. Since you're in college, you're very young, and have a lot to learn in life and relationships. Hope this helps move you in that direction.

There unfortunately is nothing you can do to make someone communicate with you. There is also nothing you can do to guarantee security for yourself. You shouldn't ever try to "convince" someone to stay with you. If you do, it will only work for a short time and won't last or end up being happy or successful.

I realize you feel strongly about him. However, two people can only be right for one another if that is a MUTUAL feeling. There is nothing you can do to make someone feel, think or behave as you wish they would. A guy who's right for you will already feel about you as you do about him, he'll value what you do in a relationship and he'll behave in a way that you'll feel secure and content without even trying. THAT's how you know if someone is right for you. It's not a struggle to be together and you grow closer and your bond grows deeper with time, it doesn't get harder with time. And it happens on its own, without you trying to force it to happen. That's because you'll both want it -- you'll want the same thing out of the relationship.

Please know that college is a time when many people don't want to feel tied down. The comforts and benefits of a relationship are nice, but sometimes the responsibilities and obligations aren't. WHatever your bf is going through or feeling, you cannot change it. And please, if there's one thing you learn from this, let it be that you should never try to make, force or convince someone to be with you. Have some pride! You deserve better than that. Look for a guy who will want to be with you on his own, and be enthusiastic and eager to do so. THEN you will know how great a relationship can be!

Use this as a gauge as you date: In a relationship that's right for you, you will be happy and content the majority of the time, and it will be easy. In a relationship that's not right for you, you'll be stressed, unhappy, frustrated, angry etc. the majority of the time and it will be a struggle. Also, you never find the right relationship as long as you're hanging on to the wrong one. Good luck!