Please read--help or learn from this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Please read--help or learn from this...
2
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 7:32pm
Please take the time to read this, my story. If anyone has any advice on how I may be able to reach out to the first love of my life again, as well as I was his, and show him that we can share true happiness and that my mind has healed, please help me. It would be greatly appreciated. I don't know what to do, or how to reach him, to get him to see inside of me without him feeling pushed away more. You can post on here or email me with any questions or advice krystafitch@alltel.net. For any help or advice I will personally thank you, or try to return the favor someday. You'll always be in my prayers, this is a really big part of my life. Thank you.


I hope that through this, I can help someone. I hope that I can reach out and touch someone and change their life… to help someone learn to help his or her self before they lose someone that they love and hold closely in their heart. If you are reading this and have ever felt the same, please get help now, do something before they’re gone. They may come back if it was meant to be, but nothing is worth the pain that anyone will feel in the end. Your entire life before you might have to change, you may have to struggle to find yourself within, but in the end love is worth more than anything you will ever feel, have, or live for.

18th of July, 2002, Dave was the greatest thing to ever walk in to my life. He was his own person, and different than anyone I have ever heard of or come across for as long as I have ever lived, or learned to know from anyone. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him, and I accepted him for everything he was inside and out. He was very handsome, and not conceited at all, and always looked for the best in me—and us. I couldn’t possibly have asked for anything more in a person, it’s hard to find someone special that feels and looks at things in life and even God, the way that he does. He liked to talk about Jesus, and teach me what he knew. I looked up to him, it was amazing to find someone so different, without a care in the world but such love towards me. He has also taught me a lot of other things in life, and saved me from what I was lost in. He loved, respected, took care of me, and made me feel like no one or nothing ever has in my entire life. He took me in to his arms and kept me safe, doing anything to try and give me a happy life. I felt like there was no one in the world but me and him. I have never felt loved by anyone before, or felt true happiness. Everything felt like I was dreaming, and I never wanted to wake up. Suddenly, in time, all of my happiness depended on him—my only life. He stood by me through absolutely everything, no matter how it affected him or how he felt, comforting and reassuring me that everything will be okay. He was a strong person, he was in love. There are so many things I could say about him, how he is, and everything he’s done and gone through, to describe what a wonderful person he was and the feelings I had for him. There are so many reasons why I’ve fallen so deeply in love, and became so emotionally and physically attached. I went from having nothing, to more than I or any other person in this world could ask for in a million lifetimes.

Sadly, fear began to grow inside of me. I was afraid to lose, afraid to love, afraid of forever, afraid of getting hurt… mostly due to the warnings and words of other people around me. I have never been in love before, and it felt really good. Then I was told over and over again then I was someday going to get my heart ripped out one way or the other, and that they felt bad for me, already. They told me that people don’t stay in love, and love isn’t really love and that someday for no reason at all Dave could stop loving me. Trying to protect myself, I tried to protect him from everyone and everything that might someday take him away from me, or his heart or mind for one second. I always thought of the ‘bad’ and looked too deeply into ‘nothing’ that might somehow take these feelings and promises away from me. I felt unnecessary anxiety which grew into obsession to the extreme, I had thoughts and feelings that I shouldn’t have. Dave deserved nothing that I sometimes had felt inside, whether I kept it to myself or not. I have always had a low self esteem, and insecurities inside of myself. Dave has NEVER given me a reason to feel those things, and I NEVER wanted or thought that I could ever feel that way about somebody, or even anything. My mind couldn’t handle it. Even though my hurt from things that in reality didn’t even exist hurt Dave’s feelings, he tried to help me realize how much he loved and cared about me and that he would for the rest of his life, and that I had nothing in the world to ever worry about for as long as we live. He told me that nothing could ever take him away from me, and not to be sad, because I was beautiful and all he could see was me, always and forever, if I could only believe him that he was not like anything I’ve ever grown to know from what I’ve seen around me. I believed him, I loved him with all of my heart, I was unbelievably attached, but I was still afraid.

It made me sick to where I can’t even put into words, what went on inside of my head; the “what ifs” the “but everyone else is so how did something perfect find me” was killing me inside to the point that it was almost mental. Dave’s gentleness and understanding slowly grew into sadness, and over time, his sadness turned to hurt, anger, hopelessness, frustration, and feelings of being trapped. This killed me even more. It was a slow process that eventually broke him down. Such a kind caring person has taken everything thrown at him and managed to make it through, through my life problems, through our problems, everything. I could see the change, and it made me depressed, because it was not only from his life changing and growing up but a part of it was mostly because of me.

I never gave myself time to work out these problems in my head, and never enough time to sit back and find myself… look inside myself and find why I feel these things and what it was doing not only to me, but Dave. There was never time, because I couldn’t pry myself away from him to actually clearly see what was happening to our once close and more than perfect relationship. I had someone that I could trust with my life, for the rest of my life. I could put my life in his hands and never have to worry.

What was happening to me? So many thoughts swam inside constantly and consistently that they would never come out right; they’d never make sense, sometimes not even to myself. I just wanted them to die, before they killed me—us. It’s an indescribable feeling when you realize how you should feel but you feel things that you’d rather die than feel.

Then not being able to explain it to the person that you care most about, or perhaps the only thing you care about, yet feel ashamed to even try because you know it hurts their feelings but you can’t stop the sick twisted knots in your stomach. Dave was being pushed away, I can’t blame him for any anger that he might feel towards me right now, although I’m not a bad person at heart. If I could tear it out and show it to him…

I feel shameful. Over time, we couldn’t go anywhere, watch anything, or look at anything without my “feelings getting hurt” because I thought he was looking at a pretty girl, nude girl, almost nude, and that maybe in the back of his mind he thought she was more pretty than I was. Or maybe she had a nicer body, or that he might be thinking thing that he shouldn’t from all of his promises to me. This happened, whether he did it or not, which he never did. He was even cautious about what he looked at or what he did. It was insane. I never felt anger towards him when I felt these things, just hurt and jealousy, and my stomach would turn upside down. Even if I wasn’t with him, although I knew what kind of person Dave was and that he was unbelievably faithful physically and mentally, I couldn’t stop the queasy feelings I would get just picturing Dave with someone else. I know how other guys talk, and talk around him, it shouldn’t bother me but it just made me think “how do they talk when I’m not around?”, “does Dave talk perverted about other girls, and talk about things he’d like to do with people?”. I have never heard Dave say anything, and he promised he didn’t, and I know that he didn’t, but just listening to people sometimes made me sick. Whether they’d be talking about strippers, web cams, porn, and body parts on girls, or just cheating on people, maybe I’m not normal but it disgusts me. Dave was not disrespectful by any means what-so-ever, it’s just those things coming from other people around him make me paranoid. It was wrong, and I felt trust yet my mind constantly wondered around in a million directions. I loved him so much that even just a thought, whether it is real or not, would make me depressed. I don’t even completely know or even understand why I felt that way, I could see if it was someone else, but not towards Dave. He’d always comfort me when I felt those things but it became too much. How could I fall so in love with someone and push them away? Why did I have to feel those things? Even if it had nothing to do with the sexuality of other people, there was more in my mind.

If Dave would just want to be alone to relax, play his guitar, or just go somewhere and do something that he enjoys doing, maybe sometime without me, it would hurt my feelings. Sometimes I would think “he’s getting sick of me” or “he doesn’t want to be with me” or “he doesn’t feel the same anymore”, although it was nothing like that at all. He used to always want to be with me everyday, and when we couldn’t be he would tell me he couldn’t wait, he wanted to for the rest of his life. However, I didn’t understand it then like I do now, but that was when we actually never even really got to see each other. He needed his personal space not to get away from me because he didn’t love me, but everyone needs time alone. Everyone needs their own life outside of what their life may become with someone, even in marriage. At the time I couldn’t understand it.

I used to see the worst in every little thing that wasn’t meant to hurt me AT ALL, just because I was waiting to get hurt. Everything that was once so perfect became a mess of pain and uncertain closeness.

I thought that I needed him to help me heal whatever was broken inside to stop these feelings or that they would never go away. I was afraid to lose him, and I was afraid to do this on my own because I didn’t feel like I could live a day without him.

After all of this time, one morning I woke up and my life was gone. The most devastating moment in my life, I felt like every single part of me was taken away leaving me lifeless. Out of all of the indescribable pain and hurt I’ve ever thought I’ve felt—this was by far the worst impossible seeming fall that could ever happen. It didn’t feel real, it just couldn’t be. I felt so sick that I couldn’t eat, sleep, or feel alive no matter how hard I tried, or tried to smile. Being around other girls my age helped for awhile, only on the outside, trying to cheer me up, but I still felt empty like I was dying inside. I drifted away from them for awhile to find what I really enjoy in life. I sat in my house and painted and wrote down thoughts and poems for uncountable hours, it helped me get everything out that was just twisting inside of me. I cleaned, read books, and went for walks. I began a relationship with my mother, for the first time in my life, and people in my family that needed help. I started going to Church, counseling, and meetings with Father David to help me in the right direction. I even went on medication. Every night I’d go through photos of me and Dave, with sadness yet hope. It was painful to look at them, but it was part of my healing process. I looked back on every single memory and thing we have gone through, over and over. I looked deeper and deeper inside of him, and everything came crashing down on me at once. I’d pray for him, and wonder how he was doing, hoping that he is enjoying his life, and is happy. The thoughts and wondering of what he was doing without me didn’t bother me at all, I only hoped that he wouldn’t have gotten to the point to be miserable with life with or without me, that he hasn’t gotten that depressed. I was wondering how he felt, and the word ‘better’ crossed my mind.

My life and thoughts began to change as I was forced to find happiness in myself, something I have never found before. I had to learn to love myself and find some kind of peace before I could ever become a part of Dave’s life again, if fate ever brings him back to me. I feel a lot of regret and sadness although I could never before control my feelings, yet I can feel at peace with my self because I can see my faults and how my life needed to change now or I will have nothing in the years to come. I’ve gotten help in so many ways, for the love of my life… and for myself. I’ve become closer to God looking for answers to my life. First I felt anger towards him, then understanding. I thanked him for the gift of love that he had given to me and that I was even binded to under him, and for everything else he had given to me, but wondered why it had all been taken away and I had to feel so much pain? I thought I was going to get married and share a life of love and memories, and have children someday… the thoughts of someday being happy couldn’t keep me still. Maybe it was all meant to be if I were to have Dave all of my life, to have this time to wake up and make betterment of myself, and to see everything through a different state of mind… Maybe it was to save us, I pray… if this wouldn’t have happened, with or without Dave I would be miserable, and I would’ve never found myself if it weren’t for Dave, and who knows how the rest of my life would be. I no longer have a past, and I have never been hurt, because to this day my life is different. I don’t recognize myself because I don’t feel what I used to anymore, except love. I have a burning hole in my heart with only one thing missing, Dave, and Dave for who he is, and all he is, and everything he is not to change. Not to change his way of life, anything he does or what he wants to do, or feel. I look back at myself and see someone so mentally twisted and broken that it makes me sad. So maybe things really do happen for a reason, even if it hurts while you struggle, the pain will only bring happiness in the end.

I’d like to erase my entire life behind me and build something new, crawling out of the dark shell I’ve built around me. What I want out of my life even if I don’t make it anywhere, is to be happy with myself and bring happiness to others, and to someday help other people though my words… in books… on paper… before they let their own insecurities and past tear apart what could be the best thing that would ever happen to their lives. To teach people to let go of damage that the past might’ve scarred in to their lives, to love themselves, and let themselves be loved. Learn to trust again, and see the world in a brighter light. Learn that everyone is their own person, as well as themselves. Learn that if you love someone, you can’t cling to them so tightly that when they can finally breathe, you may never hold them again. But also learn that love can make it through anything. Learn to forgive if you can’t forget, then forgiveness will bring you closer. Learn that every light has a darkness, and every darkness has a light, when in darkness--turn to the light of other people trying to help you.

Never give up on love, never let go of hope.

I love Dave with all of my heart, and with every breath of life inside of me. I hold on to these words as I hope other people will learn to as well. Never take what you have for granted, and see all of the beautiful things around you before they die. If you can’t find beauty in anything, then open your eyes and you’ll see the world differently.

Yours Truly,

Krysta

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Fri, 12-19-2003 - 10:13pm
Krysta,

I, too, have a Dave. He sounds so similar to the one you describe. He wants nothing but to love me and enjoy life. And all I seem to do is pick on him, yell at him, and make him feel unworthy. Things were so wonderful in the beginning. I thought I was dreaming, waiting for someone to wake me up. I had never known a love like this one. I'm not sure when things changed for me (and maybe him too). But I want them so badly to be the way they were. Right now he is sleeping in the guest room and I am crying up the stairs in our office. He has to hear me, but he doesnt come. I want to tell him how much I love him but Im so scared. I don't want to fight anymore. And I dont want to let him go either. Divorce is not an option for either of us. Atleast I hope it's not for him.

You must find your Dave and tell him how you feel. You can't live with a lost love that was so great. You just needed some time to grow a little more. The time just wasnt right for you then. But it sounds like you've been through a lot and have grown a lot. If he still has a place in his heart for you, he'll be happy to see you and be willing to listen and maybe let you back in. You have to try. What do you have to lose? Communication is the key. Now I just need to take my own advice. Good luck. You have a love that a lot of people have never felt. Don't let it go.

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 1:27am
Dear Krysta,

You have been through a lot learning to love and accept yourself and to find that you needed to work on you before you could be with another person.

You questioned, "...wondered why it had all been taken away and I had to feel so much pain?..." Learning lessons are hard and some people take longer than others to learn things about themselves. But be proud of yourself and how far you have come in your self realization!

You could contact Dave again, but not to necessarily getback with him, but to renew a friendship and so that you can feel better about your life - there can be closure for you there either way. But be proud of the person you have grown in to from much hard work on yourself and now you are healthy and will be able to enter into a relationship at a much better level than you were with Dave. Had Dave *not* happened to you, then possibly you might still be as confused as you were then, but this relationship forced you to see, understand, learn, and do something about yourself to grow.

This was a huge life lesson for you and I know you will move on in your life now much happier and more peaceful. Enjoy your existance!

Sherri