Always Second Best..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Always Second Best..
5
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 11:43am
First off I would like to say hello, I am new and this is my first post :)

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I'm 25, he's 32. He's a teacher, and he also plays in a cover band about 3 nights a week. The problem is that his band is his life's first priority. He always talks about quitting his job, and starting a 2nd band and just living on the money he makes playing. How can I think of having a future with this man?? I don't want to live that type of lifestyle, nor do I want to raise children that way. He'd be out 5 nights a week in clubs and bars. Not exactly a family friendly lifestyle. And he's 32, set in his ways, and not likely to change. To top it off, he also has serious issues with expressing anything. He has told me he loves me 3 times in 2 years. The last time was 3 months ago. That really hurts. But at the same time, he's the nicest, most fun, sweet guy I've ever met!

Has anyone been in a situation like this? What did you do? What would you suggest? Thanks!

Marianne :)

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 11:51am

It sounds like the two of you are not compatible in some basic, fundamental ways:

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 3:10pm
Hi Marianne,

I agree with poster #2. It doesn't sound like the two of you have lifestyles in common and other issues. Most people may alter slightly, but they are who they are and rarely change. He might try to change for you for a little while, but he would eventually go back to his old ways. Should you decide to stay with him, there will be much that you will have to accept and overcome. He can be as nice and sweet of a guy that there is, but can you live that type of lifestyle? I think should you decide to stay with him that you are setting yourself up for hard times. Something to think about...

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 3:38pm
'he's the nicest, most fun, sweet guy I've ever met! '

But that doesn't mean that he is ready for a commitment or that you will be happy being married to him. Have you had a conversation about the future with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 4:03pm
The issue here is not him but you - what do you think you're worth, why would you stay with someone who is not compatible with you and does not cherish you and why are you so desperate to have a boyfriend that you would stay with this person? And just because he is 32 has nothing to do with whether he can change - if he is set in his ways that is his personality - nothing to do with his age. final question is why did you get involved with him in the first place if you knew his views on careers?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 1:58pm
I didn't know his views about careers when we first started dating. This whole thing about quitting his job surfaced about a year ago. I'm certainly not desperate to have a boyfriend, I'm a very independent woman. I don't rely on him for anything, it's just the daily companionship I'll miss most. I guess I know what I really should do. Thank you all for the advice, much appreciated.