HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
HELP!!!
12
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:03pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for a 1 1/2 and 1 year of that we have been dating long distance. We get along good and everything is great when we are in the same state with each other. Last week when I was helping him send an e-mail for a job I saw an e-mail from a dating website, knowing I shouldn't be nosey I opened it and read it. He had signed up for a dating website with a profile. I didn't know what to do or think or what. So I snooped a little more and went into the website and saw his profile. My question is do I confront him about this?? How do I bring it up?? I'm not sure what to feel right now about this and I just want to yell at him now but I know that's not right. I shouldn't have been reading his e-mail but....What do I do? He will be in town next week and we will be together for a week and a half and I rather confront him in person. Do I find out where we stand with us then maybe bring it up or hint around to it or what? I am so confused right now...I know he has never cheated on me, we have many talks about that issue because of our relationship. But I am not sure what to think about the dating website issue, is he just weighing his options or what...he hasn't fully signed about so he is very limited to what he can do with the website so far....Does anyone have any advice? Sorry for the long story......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:16pm
I wouldn't mention your snooping, just have a discussion about where your relationship is going. I am sorry you found this information.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 2:44pm
I wouldnt get freaked out yet. im not sure if this will help or not but one of my exes used to put a profile on a dating site just to see what people thought of his facial hair (no joke) if he grew a mustach he wanted people to rate him if he had side burns he wanted to see what they thought. although he never hid the fact from me that he was going to these sites for approval he never exactly told me what was up.

i would although talk to him about your relationship before saying you were snooping. but if he questions why tell the truth otherwise he will become paraoided and your relationship will become tense. good luck

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 3:01pm
I would just talk to him about where your relationship is at this point and not reveal that you know about the dating site. Give him a chance as you said he hasn't actually signed on with it yet. And he has chosen to spend 1.5 weeks with you after all over the holidays.

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 3:41pm
'He will be in town next week '

Then it sounds like the perfect time to make your N Y resolutions together and bring up the future. You don't need to mention the dating site.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 1:03am
Should I feel like I have lost trust in him at all? I mean why would he sign up for a dating service even though it's a free trial for now when he has a steady girlfriend for the past 1 and 1/2. I just feel hurt right now and not sure what to think. Maybe I shouldn't say anything about it unless it goes further and I guess I need to just confront him again on where our relationship is headed from his point of view. He knows where I stand and he knows I want to eventually marry him and have a family with him. I guess I just need to reavaluate his perspective on "us". Men can be so complicated ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 12:34pm
'He knows where I stand and he knows I want to eventually marry him and have a family with him.'

Do you know where he stands? Make sure you get clarity on this and don't dismiss what you found. It is definitely a red flag.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 8:16pm


I have heard this from a close male friend of mine who travels long distance. It's called the 1,000 mile rule. Anything that happens over 1,000 miles away from the person your seeing, is not considered cheating. It can also be changed to 200 miles, or whatever amount of miles suits the needs.

If you really want to know if he is cheating here is an idea. If you have any friends who your boyfriend doesn't know the email address of, have her reply to his singles ad, and see if she gets a response. This will tell you for sure. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 7:00am
Well, I guess I'm going to go against the grain here and advise you to ask him why he has a profile up on the dating site. After 1 and half years of dating, I don't see why you can't be honest with him? Maybe you weren't supposed to snoop, but it happens, and above all, HE was the one with a profile on the dating site!!! If you want to keep this guy around, wouldn't you rather it be with a clean slate? Not dodging around the truth? There may be a simple explaination for it, like it's just spam mail, or the profile is old. Or he may be cheating on you. Either way, wouldn't you like to know for sure?

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:23am

I wouldn't get overly worried just yet, if he hasn't actually signed onto the site he might have registered to the site one night after an arguement or was just feeling down about the relationship and put the profile up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: holidaybaby2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:27am

you are right - why should he sign up for a dating service when he already has a girlfriend? answer - either he doesn't view this realtionship in the same light that you do (i.e., he doesn't see himself in a committed relationship right now) or his morals (or lack of them) allow him to cheat on his SO/spouse.


stop worrying about how to talk to him, and the fact that you were "snooping". the point is - now that you have this information, what are you going to do?


(also, you can be sure that when you DO bring it up he will (a) turn the conversation around into "why did you snoop and (b) he will have some "reason" for why that email was there, something like "I don't know how it got there, i signed up for a new email service and this just came into the mailbox.")


sorry for this, wishing you best of luck

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