How do I stop thinking about other men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
How do I stop thinking about other men?
7
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 11:44am
Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right forum or not to post this but I am pretty bothered lately about feelings i'm having and hoping someone else can give me some 'healthy' advise. So I guess I should give you a run down on my situation. I am in my thirtys, I am married almost 10yrs now, we have one child. I married quit young, at 22yrs old, and married my first boyfriend. The problem is now, I am constantly thinking about other men, wondering about what it would be like to kiss them, what it would be like to be involved with them. I'm not sure if it's because I never dated before I married my husband or what. He was actually the first guy i kissed too. I love him very much, don't get me wrong. We are best friends, and when we make love there is alot of passion but I feel like I'm missing something. I am so curious about other men too. I guess it was my fault for not playing the field before we married, but when we dated it got serious very quick. How do i turn off these feelings in my head????? I know that cheating on my husband would destroy our family, even a harmless kiss is out of the question in my mind. But some days I long for that kiss so much and it is hard to get out of my mind. I want to find peace with my relationship and not need to long for anothers kiss. But I fear that if I was put in the position for a harmless kiss I might just act on it. Please give me some advise on how to come to terms with this. Suzanne

Edited 12/22/2003 2:37:10 PM ET by suzanne10


Edited 12/22/2003 2:37:58 PM ET by suzanne10

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 11:39am
::and when we make love there is alot of passion but I feel like I'm missing something

As long as you think you are missing something then you are. It's a state of mind. Because just say you acted on any of this, you would look back and realize you weren't missing anything at all. Talk back to those impluses.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 12:07pm
I don't agree that just because you think you're missing something you are - it might be true, it might not be based on reality. Perhaps she is missing having a life and is looking solely to her husband to make life entertaining and exciting - perhaps if she did kiss someone she would realize it's not all it's cracked up to be. I am "missing" the stability and security of a marriage - I look at her and wonder - how dare you complain! But I know that to her, my freedom right now to kiss anyone I want, the thrill of going on a date with a new guy and wondering "hmm - could he be the one" - the thrill of a first kiss, first conversation, first hand holding with a shiny new guy - yup - those are nice experiences and can be extremely exciting but they get old pretty fast - and maybe marriage can be boring and the grass is always greener.

Yes if she feel something is missing her obligation is to find out what it is and to work her tail off on achieving satisfaction in her marriage before throwing in the towel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 2:08pm
I agree that it's not based in reality. I only meant that if you *think* something, then it is your/her reality in your (her) mind. It doesn't mean that it's reality.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:54am
i would have to say that i am in the same situation. I have been married 1 1/2 years to the first guy i ever dated and slept with. weve been together almost 5 years. but here recently ive been having the same kind of thoughts about what would it be like to kiss that guy or anything else. I married at 21, and i dont know. Im spending a few days away to reevaluate myself to see if i should stay married or not. Im very confused but i will do my very best to work out my marriage first. I hope everything works out for you. i have never cheated on my husband and i dont want that guilt, but im afraid if im in that kind of situation i dont know if i can back away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:25pm
I was where you are too a couple of years ago. There were a lot of things going on on the side though. I didn't start thinking about what it would be like to be with other people until my husband just didn't want to be around anymore, he never wanted to have sex or to be intimate in any way. He was always angry and stressed and yelled a lot. I was so unhappy I began to think someone else could make me happy. And I was married at 17 so it is tempting if you have not been around the block. I have to say that I had to learn this the hard way. I was taken advantage of by a man that knew my husband and my situation. It is not at all what you think it will be in your head. I guess you just have to try to analyze yourself and find out why you are having these feelings. I know I learned that only I can make myself happy, I cannot rely on someone else to do it and the grass is definately not greener in the other pasture. If you are not having any marital problems and it is just your curiousity, why not try role-playing. Maybe you are just bored with the same ho-hum intimacy everytime. I mean lets face it, men get into habits of doing the same thing every time. Try to spice it up. Hope that helps
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 8:58pm
You know, I am going through this too and I can safely say its not a result of marrying too early. I didn't get married until I was 28 and I had lots of "experience" before that. First, I can tell you that experience is overrated. Different guys are just that, different. It takes time to create a compatible sexual relationship with any man. First sex may be good but only because of the drama and lust of it all - that fades in a few weeks. Second, I think that thinking about other men is natural and has nothing to do with your spouse or lack of experience. We are all wired to seek out members of the opposite sex and form relationships with them. If we weren't, we wouldn't be married to our spouses. The problem is, that stuff doesn't end when we get married - it just seems to go dormant for awhile - in my case, the almost seven years I've been with my husband. over the last year I've developed a "crush" on a man who is a friend of mine. He is also friends with my husband and I his wife. I am not sure if he reciprocates the feelings because I avoid EVER being alone with him. I feel like I sort of need to ride it out and it will go away naturally after awhile (I hope). Anyway, I hope that helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:31am
Thank you all for your input. I have to say that over the holidays these feelings have subsided a bit. My husband was home alot during the holidays and it was nice to have his company. After reading your posts I started thinking that maybe this is just a curiousity thing. Don't they always say, "you always want what you don't have". I thought about my husband and realized that I have an awesome guy who loves me alot and is supportive in every way. I guess just sometimes things get boring and old and thats when my mind starts to wander more. I don't want to end this relationship, nor would I cheat. I still think about the other guys, and it comes in goes in spurts..doesn't help when you are working out at the gym with all these hard bodies walking around.lol But I found that during the holidays it was better because after working out I could come home to my husband and kiss him etc.. I am starting to feel this is normal to have curiousity, and that as long as I direct my energy into the relationship it will all work itself out. Thanks again Suzanne