don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
don't know what to do
9
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 10:21pm
Just got out of an off and on 6 year relationship. FOr the past year we have been living together. He told me that we are not going to be together. I find myself calling him and saying I want to have sex with him just so I can see him. I know he is with another woman, (mother of his child), and knowing he is over there kills me. I find myself calling over there to speak to him, just because I hate the fact that he's not with me. I love this man so much, and the thought of him not being with me makes me feel useless. Our relationship was great for a while, but I found out that he has cheated and I couldn't trust him. He would be mad, because I didn't want him to go anywhere, so we would fight. On few occasions, he stayed out until 6 in the morning, and I found numbers to meet locals on the telephone. When I do talk to him, he says he misses me, and that he just needs time away. This time away is killing me. And if he just needs time away than why is he with someone else? Please help
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 10:34pm

It really sounds like he's jerking you around.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:15pm
You're right, but that is easier said than done. Yes, he did cheat with the mother of his child, and she acts like she doesn't care if I am sleeping with him. He tells me he just needs time away, but it is killing me. How can I go from living with him for a year, to not even seeing him at all? He is a jerk, but some part of me is telling me to stay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:36pm
Have you thought about therapy to figure out why you stayed with this man who doesn't respect you? WHy do you feel you deserve to be treated this way?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:36am
honey, you need to be a big girl about this and stand up for yourself and stop this relationship.

he has said he doesn't want you. he is using you for sex because you're pathetically offering your body to him.

he's also a liar and a cheat.

get your own life and own interests or you will never escape the pattern of clinging to men who treat you like crap.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:54am
Unless you have absolutely no contact with him, and realize that your behavior is caused by your own insecurities, not your love for him you never stand a chance of being in a healthy relationship - if you loved yourself you would not want this man nor would you want him just so he couldn't be with someone else, nor would you put your health and heart at risk through casual sex. Acting like a doormat has nothing to do with loving someone - loving requires a person who loves herself and wants to share love with another person. That is not the case here. Love and need/obsession are not the same thing.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 11:07am
The problem that I see is that you feel 'useless' without him. You need to learn to love yourself and not define yourself and your wellbeing by being with this man who doesn't respect you at all. Go out and find out who you are and how you can be useful to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-21-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:26pm
thank you to everyone that has responded to me. I have found the info very true and helpful. In fact, he called me and I asked him what he wanted. He said he missed me and I told him he was going to keep missing me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 11:48am
Oh boy, the part of you that is telling you to stay it the "I can't live without this guy" feeling OR the "I'm nothing without him" "I need to be with him to validate who I am, that I am wantable, desirable, loved, accepted, etc."

Sorry if this sounds blunt, but I'm in a hurry.....

Please, please work on your self-esteem - this is the core to everything you feel and why. By seeing him and continuing to sleep with him, you are telling the universe & him (giving him permission) that it's ok for people to cheat.

How to you go from being in his life to not be, you just do it. You talk to yourself. You tell yourself you are worth more, you work on your self-esteem. You realize that you can't love him enough, give him your body enough, tempt him with great sex to *steal him away* to make him WANT you. If you do that and you get want you think you want, then won't you ALWAYS, ALWAYS wonder if some other woman will have the same effect on him because he's WEAK???

Sorry, as I said I am in a hurry. I know you hurt. I know you are in pain. I know you are filled with grief. Feel it, express it, embrace it, but stop calling him, stop seeing him. You are the only one that is getting hurt in this triangle.

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 11:50am
Good for you! I posted my first reply before reading the entire thread. Stay strong.


Carrie