What would you do??
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| Sun, 12-21-2003 - 10:57pm |
What do you do?
This is the prediciment I am in. I have been seeing this guy, in a committed relationship, for almost a year. We don't live together but have been discussing moving in together. I am head over heals in love with this man and he loves me as well.
However, it seems that ever since we've met, we bicker a lot. He's stubborn and so am I.
He can be very cold when he's in a foul mood and I'm oversensitive so I take what he says to heart a lot.
As much as I love him and love being with him, I feel like we shouldn't be bickering so much. Sometimes I feel like this is a sign that we really shouldn't be together but because I love him so much, I don't want to drawn that conclusion.
I know that not all relationships are perfect and even couples who have been together many year still have their little arguments. It just seems like everytime we get to spend some time together, it's almost certain that we will have a little 'tiff'. We always work out our differences and our arguments are usually over something stupid like him saying something I don't like or vice versa. I just feel like we shouldn't be bickering so much.
Comments?? Suggestions??

We had communication problems from the very beginning of the relationship. We chalked it up to just not knowing one another very well and figured the more time we spent together, the less we would have 'misunderstandings' and argue. This doesn't seem to be the case.
He has admitted that he says really stupid things at times and I have admitted that I read too much into these stupid things he says and take too much to heart. We both hate arguing with one another and realize that when we do argue, it's mostly because he says things that rub me the wrong way and then I get really quiet. He doesn't say anything extremely hateful or disrespectful. He just doesn't tell me what I want or like to hear. I know that sounds selfish but let me give you an example.
We are cuddling on the couch. I say "Do you think you'd ever want to get married again?" (We are both divorced) He says "Yeah, maybe someday." I say "Good, because I could totally see myself married to you. Do you think you'd ever want to marry me someday?"
He chuckles and says "I don't think I should answer that because I might get myself in trouble." Boom! I, automatically, get offended and ask "What's that mean??" And he says "I just don't want to commit myself to something because I say yes I might."
So, like, here I am, all caught up in the moment of snuggling, you know that feeling like everything is all right in the world, safe, secure....yadda yadda yadda and then he says something like that. I'm like "Geez, don't humour me or anything!" (I'm really sarcastic and so is he....another reason we bicker!)
I also got all moody the other evening while I was getting ready to go to work, I was feeling a little frisky and made a play. He said no, because he didn't want to get "all tired" and have to "put his clothes back on, go out in the cold, and drive me to work".
I then felt rejected and felt like he should appreciate the fact that I have a rather high sex drive and, actually, initiate the 'intimate moments'.
I don't know. Maybe it's just all my fault and I'm the one with all the issues. Maybe I need to lighten up. I just, sometimes, feel like he doesn't care enough. I'm also a little 'miffed' that he isn't as romantic as me. I call or text message him to let him know I am thinking about him and compliment him all the time. I'd love to just get a little bit of that back in return but he's not that type. It bothers me at times that we have been together almost a year and I haven't, once, gotten flowers.
Wow, I sound like a real head case, eh? LOL Honestly, I am a really easy going person and that's one of the qualities that attracted him to me but as soon as we started getting serious, I started analyzing things too much. Ugh...I don't know. I just wish the bickering would stop.
It sounds like a few sessions with a couples counselor focusing on communication issues would be a great idea in your case.
I'd also suggest reading John Gottman's book on the Seven Steps for Making Marriage Work (not the exact title), which may make you feel better, as he notes that the happiest couples are NOT necessarily those who never argue!
Sheri
he's feeling pressured about the relationship, like it's a runaway train towards marriage and there's nothing he can do to stop it. so he's reacting. he feels that you are there no matter what and so he's gotten lazy. he alredy knows you'd marry him, right? what's there to work toward for him?
you're feeling like he's backing off - which he is. from your 'marriage' conversation example, you're painting him into a corner and trying to manipulate him into telling you he wants to marry you. you got an attitude at him when he didn't say he wanted to and a bickering session began. you set yourself up, in other words, and you put him on the spot.
you're pushing too hard. ease up and enjoy your relationship.
I wouldn't be upset. Maybe when he starts to bicker, you should
not get into it with him. If he doesn't have someone to bicker back,
He will get the message and stop. good luck
The reason I disagree is because I'm in no hurry to get married again. Yes, I love him. Yes, I can picture myself being married to him and yes, if he asked me, I'd probably say yes, but that was the first, and only, time I have ever mentioned marriage to him.
I am not, or wasn't, disappointed that he doesn't want to marry me now, or even in the near future for that matter. What disapponted me was the fact that he couldn't say that he could 'picture' himself married to me.
I know it's a really silly reason to get upset over and yes, I probably do need to ease up, or lighten up, a lot more. But no, I haven't been pressuring him into marriage at all. In fact, it was him who brought up the idea of us moving in together so I know he's not afraid of commitment.
We just seem to have some conflicts as far as our personalities are concerned even though we care for each other very much and want to be together and the suggestion made by another member about the counselling really isn't a bad idea, however, I don't know if he will be up for that. I guess it wouldn't hurt to ask.