What's his problem
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| Sun, 12-21-2003 - 11:20pm |
1) I want him to committ to me. It's been almost six months and I think that plenty of time to know whether he wants to be with me or not. We've talked about it before, a couple months ago and he told me that it was too soon. He said that if it had been 5 or 6 months then he could understand why I wanted an answer so bad. Well not it has been almost 6 months and I am still not getting an answer. I don't want to bring it up all the time because it would just annoy him and he would think I'm trying to pressure him into it. I don't want to do that, and I haven't said anything for a long time, but he just doesn't understand that a 'label' is important to me. I want him to admit that we are together. I want to know that he really wants to be with me.
2) Sex is the other problem. I guess you could say he is more adventureous than me, he always wants to try stuff, and I'm not always comfortable doing the things he wants. At least not right now. First he would bug me to give him head, he told me to try it and if I didn't like it I wouldn't have to do it again. So I did, and that just came back in my face because now he wants it all the time. If I don't do it he gets mad. There's been so many times where I went home crying and he went to bed mad because of this. Then yesterday he,kept putting the moves on me so I finally had to tell him that I couldn't have sex then (girl troubles). I didn't want to tease him and have him get all mad. Well so he keeps trying, and we're making out and messing around a little bit. Then he wants to try anal. I don't want to do it and he gets all mad about it.
So needless to say, I have been upset all day about 'us'. I call him, we talk for a few, then he has to go. He called me about two hours ago and said he had a question to ask me. He asked what I thought about him and me. We got into this whole thing about us and he said he wants to take a break. I really don't think he understands at all, and we are both really stubborn. But I feel like that in every area of my life people walk all over me. I do what they want even when I don't want to. I really can't handle him and me taking a break. I don't think it will solve anything. The only way anything will get better is if we BOTH compromise, but I feel like I'm the only one that ever does. I don't know what to do. I really like him alot and now I can't see him or talk to him and I don't know how long we're gonna be on our break. He said he had a christmas present for me and that he'd give to me before christmas. I hate this and it's a sucky time for it to happen. I always get hurt and I don't know why I even bother anymore because it seems like the feelings are always one sided. Sorry this post is so long, but I needed to get everything out and I have no one to vent to. =)

You need to find your self-esteem (you don't have any which is why people are walking all over you) and learn to love yourself and value yourself and your wants and needs above 'being in a relationship' for the sake of being in a relationship.
'Labels' as you put it would not be important to a person who has a full and complete life - remember, a relationship doesn't make you anything more than you are already - especially a bad one!
And six months is way too short a time to be 'commited' this is the time when you are just beginning to know the real person, and not the person who is merely on his/her best behavior.
Peace - Pebbles
What exactly do YOU mean by a "committed relationship"??? Some people perceive it differently.....
This is not a great relationship for you to be in right now.
Any man (or woman) who gets angry at you because you wont do what they want, be it sex or anything else, is not someone to get too involved with. I could MAYBE understand if you were teasing him and then telling him no....to a certain extent. Sex is not suppose to be just about him and what he wants. He should be considering your feelings and your pleasure - he sounds very controling and selfish. Inconsiderate come to mind too.
I honestly believe that the best thing you could do for this relationship is leave it. You need to work on you-get that self esteem going girl!!! Your worthy of a nice healthy relationship with someone who considers your feelings and your happiness. This man needs counseling if he is ever going to have a "normal" loving relationship himself - BUT he doesnt sound too interested in saving your relationship and he doesnt sound like someone who would consider counseling - he doesnt see anything wrong with him - its all you, am I right??
Well take care - it is a hard time to "take a break" from a relationship - but come on, you deserve so much more than then the way he is treating you. Let us know what you decide. BE TOUGH
I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board.
He wants me to be with someone better, he is a waste of my time and not good enough for me. He told me he wants me to go find someone else and be with someone else, then decide if I really want to be with him. But I don't need to be with someone else to figure out how I feel. Maybe he does, I don't know. He told me he wants a girl that will do stuff for him, and someone that will be all over him and let people know how much she likes him. When he's with his friends they'll know that she really likes him. And I don't know why he says that because he knows I'm like that. He is the one that isn't affectionate, mostly in public. I know he was really really close to wanting to be together, and I am not quite sure what changed. To me it just seems like he wants a girl that will act a certain way towards him, but he is unwilling to act the same way towards the girl. I know I am not exactly the best about telling him how much I like him all the time and all that, which really bugs him. I just don't know what to do, but I told him that it feels like he is trying to make me audition for the part of being his girlfriend. He wants to know exactly hhow I am in every single way before he decides. He said that he doesn't want to take the risk, and then end up getting hurt. It's easier to leave when your not attached.
One other thing... during the time we've been seeing each other he kept asking me if I love him. He asked me that again the last time we say each other. He asked me if I loved him yet, and if I've fallen for him. What do you think about that? I think it's weird, and possibly an ego thing for him if I were to say that I did love him.
Don't get me wrong though, he really is a nice guy, he has always pretty much treated me well. It's just the sex thing that really causes all the problems. And other than that we always got along great, we have a ton of stuff in common, and we are both way different than other people. But lately I just feel like he has been nit picking at me to find anything and everything he can wrong. And I honestly think he's just getting scared about how he feels. But again, maybe you guys are right and I should just try and forget about it.
You got this right, you are an ego thing for this guy. And he is absolutely right that he is a waste of your time (though I am not sure he really means that...). Dump him, and before you get involved with someone else work on your ego. Maybe some self-help book, or some open conversation with a good friend or counselor. Good luck!
Let me ask you this. What if you did not want to do anything sexual for him for a month. Would he stay with you then? Would he hang out with you every day? I doubt it!
Next time, wait for the commitment BEFORE you do anything sexual- or you'll just get hurt again. Right now it's emotional to you but just sex to him. If you broke up with him I'm sure he'll be in bed with another girl before you can blink your eyes. He won't shed a single tear over you- he told you he doesn't love you and he means it.
You deserve better.
In every good, healthy relationship each party must respect the feelings, needs and wishes of the other. There is absolutely no reason for you to have the kind of sex that makes you unhappy. It's as simple as that. You have every right and responsibility to yourself to say no, if something is wrong for you. If your boyfriend can't accept and respect that, then he is certainly not the one for you. His unwillingness to respect your wishes, and to even give you what you need and want,
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