What's his problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
What's his problem
10
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 11:20pm
I've been seein this guy for almost 6 months now, and we've got two problems....

1) I want him to committ to me. It's been almost six months and I think that plenty of time to know whether he wants to be with me or not. We've talked about it before, a couple months ago and he told me that it was too soon. He said that if it had been 5 or 6 months then he could understand why I wanted an answer so bad. Well not it has been almost 6 months and I am still not getting an answer. I don't want to bring it up all the time because it would just annoy him and he would think I'm trying to pressure him into it. I don't want to do that, and I haven't said anything for a long time, but he just doesn't understand that a 'label' is important to me. I want him to admit that we are together. I want to know that he really wants to be with me.

2) Sex is the other problem. I guess you could say he is more adventureous than me, he always wants to try stuff, and I'm not always comfortable doing the things he wants. At least not right now. First he would bug me to give him head, he told me to try it and if I didn't like it I wouldn't have to do it again. So I did, and that just came back in my face because now he wants it all the time. If I don't do it he gets mad. There's been so many times where I went home crying and he went to bed mad because of this. Then yesterday he,kept putting the moves on me so I finally had to tell him that I couldn't have sex then (girl troubles). I didn't want to tease him and have him get all mad. Well so he keeps trying, and we're making out and messing around a little bit. Then he wants to try anal. I don't want to do it and he gets all mad about it.

So needless to say, I have been upset all day about 'us'. I call him, we talk for a few, then he has to go. He called me about two hours ago and said he had a question to ask me. He asked what I thought about him and me. We got into this whole thing about us and he said he wants to take a break. I really don't think he understands at all, and we are both really stubborn. But I feel like that in every area of my life people walk all over me. I do what they want even when I don't want to. I really can't handle him and me taking a break. I don't think it will solve anything. The only way anything will get better is if we BOTH compromise, but I feel like I'm the only one that ever does. I don't know what to do. I really like him alot and now I can't see him or talk to him and I don't know how long we're gonna be on our break. He said he had a christmas present for me and that he'd give to me before christmas. I hate this and it's a sucky time for it to happen. I always get hurt and I don't know why I even bother anymore because it seems like the feelings are always one sided. Sorry this post is so long, but I needed to get everything out and I have no one to vent to. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:44am
You have a serious problem on your hands, even if you don't realize it - forget this relationship - work on yourself - your post screams co-dependency - you want to be in a committed relationship with this man, yet you don't like the way he treats you... Hello???

You need to find your self-esteem (you don't have any which is why people are walking all over you) and learn to love yourself and value yourself and your wants and needs above 'being in a relationship' for the sake of being in a relationship.

'Labels' as you put it would not be important to a person who has a full and complete life - remember, a relationship doesn't make you anything more than you are already - especially a bad one!

And six months is way too short a time to be 'commited' this is the time when you are just beginning to know the real person, and not the person who is merely on his/her best behavior.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:32pm
I agree with the previous post.

What exactly do YOU mean by a "committed relationship"??? Some people perceive it differently.....

This is not a great relationship for you to be in right now.

Any man (or woman) who gets angry at you because you wont do what they want, be it sex or anything else, is not someone to get too involved with. I could MAYBE understand if you were teasing him and then telling him no....to a certain extent. Sex is not suppose to be just about him and what he wants. He should be considering your feelings and your pleasure - he sounds very controling and selfish. Inconsiderate come to mind too.

I honestly believe that the best thing you could do for this relationship is leave it. You need to work on you-get that self esteem going girl!!! Your worthy of a nice healthy relationship with someone who considers your feelings and your happiness. This man needs counseling if he is ever going to have a "normal" loving relationship himself - BUT he doesnt sound too interested in saving your relationship and he doesnt sound like someone who would consider counseling - he doesnt see anything wrong with him - its all you, am I right??

Well take care - it is a hard time to "take a break" from a relationship - but come on, you deserve so much more than then the way he is treating you. Let us know what you decide. BE TOUGH

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:50pm
It's odd that you guys said I need to work on my self esteem. I never thought I had a problem with that at all. Maybe that is the problem though. I do know that I get attached way to easy even when I'm trying not to. And yes he can be controlling. I realized that when we went on vacation for two weeks with my mother. His reasons for wanting a break are...

He wants me to be with someone better, he is a waste of my time and not good enough for me. He told me he wants me to go find someone else and be with someone else, then decide if I really want to be with him. But I don't need to be with someone else to figure out how I feel. Maybe he does, I don't know. He told me he wants a girl that will do stuff for him, and someone that will be all over him and let people know how much she likes him. When he's with his friends they'll know that she really likes him. And I don't know why he says that because he knows I'm like that. He is the one that isn't affectionate, mostly in public. I know he was really really close to wanting to be together, and I am not quite sure what changed. To me it just seems like he wants a girl that will act a certain way towards him, but he is unwilling to act the same way towards the girl. I know I am not exactly the best about telling him how much I like him all the time and all that, which really bugs him. I just don't know what to do, but I told him that it feels like he is trying to make me audition for the part of being his girlfriend. He wants to know exactly hhow I am in every single way before he decides. He said that he doesn't want to take the risk, and then end up getting hurt. It's easier to leave when your not attached.

One other thing... during the time we've been seeing each other he kept asking me if I love him. He asked me that again the last time we say each other. He asked me if I loved him yet, and if I've fallen for him. What do you think about that? I think it's weird, and possibly an ego thing for him if I were to say that I did love him.

Don't get me wrong though, he really is a nice guy, he has always pretty much treated me well. It's just the sex thing that really causes all the problems. And other than that we always got along great, we have a ton of stuff in common, and we are both way different than other people. But lately I just feel like he has been nit picking at me to find anything and everything he can wrong. And I honestly think he's just getting scared about how he feels. But again, maybe you guys are right and I should just try and forget about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:20pm
Get some self-respect please. Tell this guy to take a flying leap and DON'T do ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable for ANYONE. He isn't committing to you b/c he doesn't want to. He's making you do things you don't want to do b/c he's a loser, and b/c you're going along with it. This is NOT a good guy. A good guy doesn't make you do things you don't want to. Who cares if he gets mad?!? Let him. And....I hope you realize that you are putting yourself at risk, not only emotionally but physically, every time you're intimate with him. He is not in a monogamous, committed relationship with you, so that means you may not be the only one he's messing around with. Lose this loser. Don't you think you deserve better? You'll never find it if you accept crap like he's dishing out. Remember: You only get what you accept for yourself -- nothing more and nothing less. GOOD LUCK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:50pm
Well the thing is. He isn't messing around with anyone else. I know this because there would be no time for him to do so. We hang out alot when he's not working. I do know that he's not with anyone else except me. That is why I can't understand his thinking about not wanting to say we are together. We pretty much are, just not officially I guess you could say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:20pm
In my experience, people are hesitant or refuse to commit to a person they do not feel is IT for them. They want to keep their options open. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy the person's company or the here-and-now with that person. It means that they know deep down that this is not the person they will be spending the rest of their lives with. Why not be honest and just say that? Well, then the benefits of the here-and-now would most likely end, there may be an unpleasant scene or confrontation, or maybe they have not admit it to themselves yet. Whatever the reason is irrelevant. The fact he won't commit is the fact to focus on here. I agree with the others that nobody will value or respect you if you do not value and respect yourself. And you are not valuing or respecting yourself by staying with this person IMO. But best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 12:42am
My friend, someone who 'gets mad at you' for not performing the sex act he enjoys (and you don't) is *not* a nice guy. He is manipluative and selfish. He tries to manipulate you into telling him that you love him, then he comes out with this BS about his 'not being worthy of you'. He does not want to take risks and get hurt, but meanwhile he is hurting you. He is milking you for all you are worth, and he is giving *nothing* back. I hope you won't be mad at us, but i agree with the others. Your standards for a man and a relationship are really low. Your man should not force you (and I do not mean physically force) to give oral sex, or any sex you don't want. Your man should not be controlling. Your man should be willing to give as much as he takes, in terms of committment (your guy seems to be all for committment... on your part), or anything else.

You got this right, you are an ego thing for this guy. And he is absolutely right that he is a waste of your time (though I am not sure he really means that...). Dump him, and before you get involved with someone else work on your ego. Maybe some self-help book, or some open conversation with a good friend or counselor. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 2:13am
Yeah I am kind of starting to agree with you guys. I guess I just didn't see everything or maybe I just didn't want to. I guess people that aren't involved can see everything so much more clear than the people that are involved. I am just having troubles I suppose. And don't get me wrong... just because he tells me to do things, or wants me to do, doesn't mean I do it. Maybe it sounded like I do whatever he wants, but that's not how it is. And I think that's what drives him so crazy. I told him that I think he's just used to having a girl that will do whatever he wants, so he doesn't like it now that he has one that won't. OF course he denied this when I said it, but yesterday he admitted to me that he was used to having a girl do everything he wanted. Who know, but please, if you guys have any more advice for me please please post. I have a really hard time letting go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:59am
Honey, this boy is a real LOSER and a waste. Once you open your eyes you will be so furious at him you won't be able to leave fast enough. He is using you! Can't you see it? Open your eyes!

Let me ask you this. What if you did not want to do anything sexual for him for a month. Would he stay with you then? Would he hang out with you every day? I doubt it!

Next time, wait for the commitment BEFORE you do anything sexual- or you'll just get hurt again. Right now it's emotional to you but just sex to him. If you broke up with him I'm sure he'll be in bed with another girl before you can blink your eyes. He won't shed a single tear over you- he told you he doesn't love you and he means it.

You deserve better.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 4:28pm

In every good, healthy relationship each party must respect the feelings, needs and wishes of the other. There is absolutely no reason for you to have the kind of sex that makes you unhappy. It's as simple as that. You have every right and responsibility to yourself to say no, if something is wrong for you. If your boyfriend can't accept and respect that, then he is certainly not the one for you. His unwillingness to respect your wishes, and to even give you what you need and want,