Not invited for Xmas Again!

Avatar for cathyann34
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Not invited for Xmas Again!
9
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 10:51am
I'm so upset yet again. I have a boyfriend who I truly love and have lived on and off again with for ten years now. I'm currently living with him again and things have been going great. We get along good, we do everything together. We shop for our apartment together. We plan our other vacations together and we live like we're married. We pretty much in all are very happy but in the whole 10 years I have NEVER met his parents nor have I been invited to go with him to his parents at Christmas. My family lives clear across the u.s. and its just not possible to go visit them this year. So now I will be sitting home by myself yet again while my boyfriend is at his parents for two days enjoying the holidays with all of his family. I'm trying not to act like it bothers me but it's breaking my heart that he's not going to invite me and leave me all alone yet again. He's done this in the past!! I am furious and know I deserve better but like I said before I do love him and this REALLY hurts me. Why do you think that he's not including me? Why am I not important enough to meet his family? I know he tells them about dating me but not about living with me. It's been 10 freaking years!! What should I do? Should I leave over this, not that I could if I wanted cause I love him so much. I know I'm stupid but really would like advice on how I should handle this situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:03am
Talk to him about how you feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:11am
Why are you trying to act like it doesn't bother you? If his actions are hurting you, he needs to know about it. Just sit down with him and, as calmly as possible, explain to him that you are hurt that after 10 years you haven't met his family. Further explain that you do not want to be alone for the holidays. If there is some legitimate reason for not introducing you to his family (not that I can think of any) then suggest he stay and spend Christmas with you. Maybe I'm just too untrusting, but the whole thing sounds really fishy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:12am
Have you not discussed this with him? I think that's the scariest part of your post that you've been living on and off with this man for ten years and yet you are unable to discuss this with him says a lot about your relationship.

What do you love so much about him - that he has absolutely no respect for your feelings, that he seems not to care that you will be alone at Christmas because his priority is maintaining a certain image to his family?

Why are you trying to act like it doesn't bother you when it does? Why do you feel unable to express to your true feelings to your boyfriend? This is not a good sign at all - your needs and wants and feelings are important - why are you not able to be honest with your boyfriend about this breaking your heart?

It sounds as though you value this relationship more than you value yourself and this is not at all healthy. It suggests a very low level of self-esteem - any healthy person who'd been in a relationship with a person for ten years would in no way tolerate this - why are you?

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:13am
You have to talk to your bf about this. This is not what I would consider "normal" even if you were "just" dating. After this amount of time you should have been introduced into his family. I personally would be upset, as I know my df would be. He will be attending out Christmas day dinner for the second year. He was with us for Thanksgiving. I could not imagine leaving him at home alone during the holidays. (his parents are deceased and his sibs are spread out)

I can understand why your hurt and angry. Im not sure what your bf is thinking or why he doesnt ask you to go -but you really need to have a long, honest talk about this. 10 years - and your living together. You should def been involved at this point.

Just my thoughts. I wish you good luck. Holidays are meant to be spent with loved ones and family. I hope you say something before then and you two work this out. Please let me know.

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:47pm
Cathyann:

Although it may be a difficult decision, but you asked the question...and, yes I would consider leaving him, if I were you. A ten year relationship is a very long time to spend with someone and realize that they still do not admit to their parents that they are living with you. If he's dishonest with his parents, why wouldn't he be dishonest with you? I suspect his feelings for you may not be as strong as you deserve. You should discuss the matter with him, and if you're not satisfied with the outcome, one of you should pack your bags.

I learned the hard way that you're only setting yourself up for a world of hurt if you allow a man to put your feelings last over and over again. I was in a relationship with a man much the same way. I loved him dearly and did enjoy my time with him but I felt that he did not do nearly as much for me as I did for him and he also did not have the respect for me that he demanded from me. After years of living with him, doing hundreds of chores for him and his daughter, I discovered one of them had tossed my clothing on a dirty floor in an attempt to find something they wanted in the dryer. When I asked which one it was, he became defensive, saying I was too uncomfortable to live with. I felt I treated both of them way too well to be treated so inconsiderately, so I moved out. He assumed we'd keep dating and played a lot of games until I decided he didn't even qualify well enough to be a friend, let alone a lover. Although it was painful and difficult, I don't regret leaving and am proud to demand better from the people I associate with.

If you cannot come to a satisfactory compromise with your BF, I suggest you examine whether this relationship is right for you. If you're always feeling shortchanged, it's probably time to get out, before you waste any more of your precious time.

B.J.

Mommy to Samantha Renee 12/11/04

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:29pm

I can understand not wanting to admit to his parents that you live together, but not introduce you AT ALL?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 9:36am
Ok blunt time, but I would leave him. I wouldnt leave a dog alone for Christmas. I can't believe you have been with him all this time. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but it seems to me on the info you've given, that he is hiding something. Either theres something he doesn't want you to find out from his parents, someone he wants to see without you around, or something he doesn't want his parents to know.

Whatever reason, if he cared enough about you, he'd stay at home with you or take you with him. He would not let you spent Christmas on your own.

Tess

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:14pm
You should most definetly tell him how you feel, and you have every right to be angry! I'd be furious! No way should this man, who I'm only assuming loves you since he feels you shouldn't be included, leave you alone on the holidays. That is so rude and uncalled for. If you and he are serious about one another, you're going to meet his parents sometime right? Might as well be now. Ask him why you can't come along, and unless he has a good reason, tell him if you aren't invited, you're leaving. I can't imagine why he would want to leave you all alone like this. Hope it works out for you, Merry Christmas!!!!!

~*Amanda*~
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 12:40pm
Hi,

I am really sorry that you will be spending the holidays alone. I am no expert and have my own share of boy troubles but I think you should leave him. There's a reason that he is not bringing you over to meet his family and more importantly, there's a reason that he has not asked you to marry him after 10 years! If he is not sure about his feelings for you and your relationship after 10 years, then he never will be. He may say that he loves you, etc., but I would never dream of leaving my boyfriend at home alone on x-mas. I just don't think that demonstrates anything aside from the fact that you are not "the one" for him. I know it's difficult to feel like you've wasted all this time on this guy and you're both probably really comforatable in your relationship but that's the problem-comfort doesn't = love. It's time to move on. Good luck.