Advice Please

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Advice Please
4
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:25am
Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

I have a dilemma I would appreciate some advice or observation on. When my boyfriend noticed that I did not actually want to go visit his parents, he told me that if I didn't go see his folks he wouldn't go see mine anymore. At this statement I just stopped talking and told him I was not going to have a discussion with him about this if that was the way he wanted to handle the situation. At this, he began complaining about the fact that I had mailed Christmas cards to my family and friends and didn't mail any to his. I asked him why he didn't just say 'hey mail some to mine or here are the addresses and that I wasn't even aware his family mailed out Christmas cards or what not'. At this he just proceeded to say well you should have asked and you didn't even. I remained quiet but he started to accuse me of anything I might have unintentionally done. My boyfriend generally tries to shy away from my family and friends when they come around where at one time I was fairly nice and cordial to his family. This really bothered me that I would make efforts to talk and socialize with his family and he would try to not be around when my family or friends were around. I must also add one other thing. I learned his mother made a rude statement about my dad (she doesn't even know my dad but anyway) and they have never been really nice or what not to me. I'm more like a 'black sheep' and I'm at the point where I'm not going to be in the presence of his family and they're not particularly trying to reach out to me. Anyway, as some type of punishment I guess, my boyfriend did not come home untill early the morning after I'd had a discussion with him earlier about staying out so late.

I'm frustrated because I can't stand this immature behavior of his. I feel like this. Its around the holidays and my family has been around and we've had a good time and he's probably gotten jealous and now says we need to go see my (his) folks. My issue is that he trys to come around when he wants something. He was not thinking about my folks before now and now that I'm trying to spend time with them and what not he's angry I'm not showing the same consideration towards his but they haven't been particularly considerate to me or mine because they aren't considerate people, period. I just think that you don't start trying to do this or that because you want something out of it. He tries to run off when I've mentioned visiting my folks and hides if they come to visit me (only comes around for a little bit). And now that he's acted more ridiculous by coming home late, I don't even care to talk about all this. I'm just irritated because instead of even admitting that he has been trying to hide from my family, etc. and they have been nothing but very very nice and kind to him he just starts trying to attack me with whatever he can to make me feel guilty. I've been through this kind of stuff with hiim before and I just refuse to let him accuse me of stuff or make me feel guilty or anything like that. He seems so contradictory and it really drives me nuts. Please let me know what you think and please tell me if I was just wrong or how I can approach this whole situation with him. I don't really want to say anything because I'm so digusted by his behavior but I know I will probably have to be the bigger person here and I'm sure this won't be the last time he tries to use guilt or accusation - his family does it all the time so he's just doing what they taught him. I'm just frustrated because he'll complain about them doing it but he turns around and does the same thing. He wants me to be friens and such with his folks but he hasn't tried to be more open and friendly with mine so unlike how I was before (very co-dependent) I'm not going out of my way anymore.

Help.

Grace

Edited 12/22/2003 11:27:34 AM ET by gracedelay


Edited 12/22/2003 11:36:36 AM ET by gracedelay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: gracedelay
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 12:40pm
well, gracie... to me it seems that the issue here isn't "who sees my/your family and when" but instead, it's an issue of him being a total dick.

first of all, he's creating family problems where there are none and this will result in isolation of you from your family. he's orchestrated this drama and then turns it on you as if it's YOUR responsibility to maintain all family relations.

what in the world is he doing getting angry about you not sending xmas cards to his friends and family? are they all suddenly your responsibility for the holidays? what, are you his wife or something? but to get *angry* about it?

not to mention his attitude of "ok, if you won't see mine, then i won't see your's - so there!" ... say what?

you said one thing that struck me and i have to be blunt about it. you said, "Anyway, as some type of punishment I guess, my boyfriend did not come home untill early the morning after I'd had a discussion with him earlier about staying out so late." ---- my comment is this: your life is going to suck if you stay with this guy, i can guarantee it. it will be full of endless dramas where you end up trying to make it better while you're being punished and taught a "lesson"... if you stay with him you'll have a standoffish relationship with his family forever and he will make no attempts to be cordial and part of your family - thereby isolating you from the people you'll need most in the future. at some point you have to figure out if all this is worth the hassle. i mean, unless you're absolutely, positively positive that there is not ONE better boyfriend for you in the entire world....

and what in the world is he or anyone in his family doing TELLING YOU that his mother said anything negative about your dad?? WTF??

i don't care one bit that his family is like that and that's how your boyfriend is, too, because that is not a family i'd walk myself into, no way. you are seeing now that he is very much like them and you will have an uphill battle forever if you keep with this.

give yourself the best gift of all and ditch this guy now, don't even wait until the holidays are over, he ain't worth it. in fact, i'd even suggest you break up with him in a nice xmas card :) hahaha -- i'm kidding there... sorta.

you know what i mean. this guy is just such a pain in the butt it sounds like... this whole situation... strike out on your own - that's the only way you can truly not have to deal with this crap.

good luck, honey.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: gracedelay
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:32pm
Thank you so much for your post and insight. I appreciate everything you've said here and I'm certainly thinking about a lot of things. I just started to wonder if I had done something rude because I'm human and maybe I couldn't see my own error in this so that if I had I certainly wanted to apologize for what I might have been insensitive about myself. I know I'm not perfect but I don't want to accept blame or what not for something that isn't mine, you know, and I've done that before.

Thanks, again.

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: gracedelay
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:21pm
the other thing you might be seeing her is his tendency to put expectations on you and then punish you when you don't follow through - even though you had no idea there WAS an expectation.

do you see what i mean? he's deciding you should do a certain thing or be a certain way and if you're not, well he certainly won't bother.

this is no way to have a good relationship.

wouldn't it be great to have a guy who can go with the flow and be friendly to the people who raised you? and wouldn't it be nice to have a guy who has a family that knows how to be caring towards eachother? i mean, jeez, it's christmas! isn't this the time when people are "supposed" to be kind to one another?

just seems to me, gracie, that you're turning this inward and fighting the urge to believe there's something wrong with you. from what you say, i'd say if there's anything wrong with you at all it's that you have to deal with this stuff... he's making you think you did something wrong when it doesn't sound like you did.

it's not so much that he assumed you would send xmas cards... it's that he treated you poorly when he learned that you had not fulfilled his expectation, as if you were supposed to know it was your "job". if he were a different kind of guy, maybe he woulda said, "oops, i kinda figured you did that... my bad for putting that responsibility on you.. sorry! "... big difference there - a different kind of guy wouldn't deliberately take it out on you and try to make you feel bad.

my point is, look at his character. it's his character and disposition that makes him behave this way and those things are unlikely to change just because you raise a fuss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: gracedelay
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:02pm
Thanks, and you've certainly raised some very good points. We do come from two different backgrounds and environments and I know this has a lot to do with it. I'm difinitely thinking things over and I know I cannot change him. I've been that route so I know that's out. I use to be very bad about blaming myself and accepting blame but that life was driving me crazy and I'm so much happier now that I'm more assertive and less likely to accept or re-direct things at myself.

Thanks and I appreciate your response once again and I do have some things to consider.

Grace