In Limbo...Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In Limbo...Help!
5
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 1:15pm
I am 26 my BF is 34...he has never been married. We seriously considered marriage after dating for 4 months, then decided it was silly to jump the gun, so we put it all on hold. We have now been together 11 months and to put it simply, I am so ready to be engaged to this man. He is perfect for me. We talk about our "future" and having kids, and he knows I am ready for all that now. He tells me just to be patient.

Another piece to this puzzle is that he was recently put on medication (anti-depressant) and a mood stablilzer for something he has suffered from for years but never knew it. It is not serious and doesn't affect our relationship (the medication helps big time.) He syas t is this reason why he hasn't proposed yet. I have been so supportive of him through all of this. We spend so much time together, he takes me on great vacations, we connect amazingly on every level...my therapist tells me that I know he's probably the one and this is why I am so anxious to get engaged to him now.

I want to know how much time is a reasonable amount of time to wait in this limbo period, i feel like i'm just waiting for him to propose. I wish I could just ease up but I don't know how. The good thing is that i don't put pressure on him, although he knows I am 100% ready. My therapist says that it's like a pan balance...that eventually my patience will run out and weigh out wanting to give him time. Keep in mind he is very successful and so money is not an issue here. Any advice on this situation? I could really use it! He is a wonderful man who I am so in love with and he feels the same, which is why I want to be patient here, but at the same time I don't want to be foolish?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mlm2525
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 1:20pm
Bad news hon...he's been "depressed" without medication. Meaning he saw his life, his options, his abilities, and his future very "darkly" until now.

And now he's "waking up" and finding out life is a great thing to be living, it's not a threat to fear but a challenge to enjoy, he's got options, opprotounities, and potential that he never realized within himself - professionally, personally, in terms of interests and goals and achievements....and he very likely is now realizing that he chose you as a mate in a period of "depression".

And while he's great for you, and you've stood by him thru this, meaning that you invested in the future without a guarantee....he's easily now looking around and going "although I'm 34, I'm now emotionally and in terms of how I view life about 20 or 21.....and I'm realizing all that is possible for me to do, and be, and pursue, and want, and desire and have...and I want to go out and become the me I see that I can be...rather than settling for the me that I thought I was condemned to."

Just a thought....

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: mlm2525
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 1:24pm
Four months is not a long time. He is as entitled to his thoughts about waiting until he is ready as you are to yours.

I think the time is when you determine that it won't go further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: mlm2525
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:13pm
Oh absolutely not...perhaps you misunderstood...he is not "depressed"- he has a mood disorder condition - one in which sometimes his moods become very "Racy"- which in turn, has caused him to be extremely successful- owning 2 businesses and a magazine. The anti-depressant is temporary to deal with the emotions that went along with him realizing he has this mood disorder. He will be off that soon.

He expresses to me time and time over how he knows there is no one out there better for him and that I am as close as perfect as they come. I don't doubt his feelings or love for me, and know he is content with me. I don't doubt that for a second, he is a good man and proves it to me every day...my question was to get people's opinions on what they may think is a reasonable amount of time to date before getting engaged.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mlm2525
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:16pm

That's a very individual question, but what I would do in your situation is decide how long you would be willing to be in this relationship if

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mlm2525
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:32pm
Well "infatuation" (I love the way your desire for me makes me feel about myself) lasts anywhere from 3-9 months.

when real life, real goals, real individuality, real obligations set in that were part of "life before you" - it's easier to be objective and discerning about the values, character, and standards of the person you're dealing with and whether that meets your needs and standards.

Till then, everything they do is wonderful, everything they say is witty, everything they think is "so right on"....so no commitments should be made during infatuation whatsoever.

After that, I'd take another 6 months at least, let's say that infatuation lasts 9, of being object, beginning again to pursue my goals and my interests with the previous level of enthusiasm, while still incorporating and including them and "our" interests and goals as well - I'd want to see how "that fits me" and then I'd have had a good enough look at them in terms of all the important aspects by my standards in a myriad of situations and circumstances and I'd know.

So, to me....I wouldn't consider an engagement for at least 15-24 months....of dating exclusively and being committed to "seeing where this goes". But, that's because I don't believe in "long engagements".

If someone truly wants to marry, engagement is just a formality of a short duration that is enough time to allow plans to be made in accordance with wishes and finances to facilitate an event - the wedding.

People place too much emphasis on "the engagement" and "the wedding" - and not nearly enough emphasis on real life married to one another and what it is will be like overall (good and bad) while they date.

The people that believe in 2-3 year engagements....well, I guess in that case you could get engaged in about a year. Even though infatuation won't have worn off long enough for you to actually determine if they share your values, standards, definitions of a great life and how to achieve it in the fundamental to you capacities overall, you'll have a good enough idea that if you're going to "be engaged, exclusive, cohabitating, sexual" for 2-3 years before saying "I do" - you're going to test drive bill paying, goal setting and achieving, adaptation to each of you as individuals and your individual goals while incorporating joint goals and needs. If you're going to "test drive" marriage with a long engagement then it doesn’t matter when you get engaged since really that is just a psuedo-engagement by my way of thinking. That's not you asking this person to marry you and having 6-8 months to plan the event and pull it off. That's being asked to get married if cohabitation works out - and you've got to give cohabitation time to settle in, let the new wear off, work out the kinks if possible -to know if you're really "going thru with the wedding". Which is why long engagements usually involve "cohabitation" - nobody wants to "wait".

One person is cohabitating to "test drive the possibility of marriage" and they got engaged to facilitate the “test run”...and the other person wouldn't have lived with them "without being asked to marry" and doesn’t realize marriage isnt’ a guarantee just because of the engagement. Psuedo-engagement - I need to call Dr. Phil with that term!


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com