help me get over my jealousy over his ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
help me get over my jealousy over his ex
6
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 1:28pm
I am recently engaged and having dreams nearly every night of him getting together with his ex. Here is the background and why this is happening:

He moved away for a job, that is how I came to meet him. HIs ex held onto the idea they would get back together for over 8 months after they broke up. He led her to believe they would, saying maybe they would get back together after a year. He explained to me that he thought she was too fragile and wanted to let her down gently. I also know that right before we met he slept with her on a visit to his hometown.

A couple months after we met, I was in the hospital for 6 days, and he stayed with me the entire time. His ex called him and emailed him, just like she had been doing all along. I was there for the emails and conversations, so I know she was VERY VERY upset when he told her had met someone he really cared about. After I was out of the hospital we moved in together. He kept emailing her, occassionally mentioning me (to his credit). But mostly trying to soothe her feelings since he still cared for her as a friend. She was saying that she'd like to be friends someday too but it would be too hard at the moment. What was happening was that they were finally letting go of the relationship.

He owed her some money and sent it, called to confirm she got it. She called him a couple of times when I was there too. I finally got upset about the amount of contact they were having around the same time she received the check from him. She saw the return address and asked if we had moved in, he said yes. She told him she didnt want to talk to him or see him when he was in town (meaning she would avoid the social situations they may run into each other at, not privatly meet). She knew he was in a relationship, but still called and never decided to stop until she found out we moved in. Thats when she fianlly let go.

When we moved the last of his stuff into my place we unpacked boxes and there were letters and cards and photos of her, which he willingly threw away but didnt want me to read so I wouldnt get upset, since I was already upset about how much contact they had. Everything pointed to him hanging onto the relationship before we met too.

We discussed their relationship and her continuing to hang on. We fought about his emailing her and trying to continue a friendship when she had never let go of him as a lover. He apologized for the approach he took with her, trying to soothe her feelings and hurting my feelings in the process. He acknowledges he didn't go about it the right way, but his intentions were to be nice, not hurt me or minimize our relationship. He cut contact with her and still hasn't contacted her.

He wants to be able to be friends with her eventually, since he liked her as a person and they share many of the same friends. He told me recently she started a relationship and was happy about it, thought I would be too. He would like to have her as a friend eventually. This upsets me since I still feel threatend by his emotional ties to her.

I also cannot let go of the period of they were emailing and calling, ending their relationship or possibility of one finally. He said was done with it lon, long ago but took the easy way out, hoping she would let go on her own while continuing to be friends. I think he should have done it much sooner, like right after they broke up, not 10 months later when he was already living with someone. Everytime her name is brought up now, or a picture surfaces, I get mad and resentful about how he handled the situation. He says I should realize that he is marrying me, he never wanted to marry her, that she is that last person I should be threatend by and that it hurts his feelings that I don't take into account how much he loves me and shows me that.

I know my jealousy stems from my past and insecurity about him leaving. I really want to let this go now, as I trust him and know he would never do anything (purposely) to hurt our relationship. How can I get over all of this?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:04pm

I don't think this is something you just "get over" without counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:13pm
Evidently he still isn't done with her if he wants to keep her as a friend.

She is still in love with him even though she is in a relationship.

He knows this bothers you but he still has told you he wants her in his life. If he cared about you, he would not see her again.

I wonder what her boyfriend thinks. Surely he won't want him to stay in contact with her

He must acknowledge that you don't trust the ex and that it would be better for your relationship if he abandon the idea of keeping his ex a friend. good luck

..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:17pm
If he has really stopped all contact with her, you should be happy, and move on. Remember that he cannot change what he did in the past, but he can stop the same things from happening again. It sounds like he is doing that and you should give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I had extreme jealousy over my husbands ex wife, but they have 3 kids together so they cannot cut off contact completely. I grilled him every time he saw or talked to her, she flirted with him all the time and he wouldn't stop her..... well 2 nights ago he actually told me that he wants a divorce to try to reconcile with her.... don't let this happen to you!

Hugs

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:29pm
This is such a great forum.

Jen Staley, Im sorry to hear about your situation. That must be absolutly devastating.

I do go to individual therapy have been working on my "abandonment issues" for four years now (and about 40,000 dollars later). I will continue to do so, I know its not as easy as just forgetting about it(hence the dreams every night!). I guess I wanted to hear from some others of some short term solutions/excersises I could do to reassure myself, which I think is what needs to happen.

Also I am still angry about his actions and wary of him doing something similar in the future. He told her a long time ago when he tried to break up with her at the beginning of their relationship that he wants a friendship with her that makes significant others insecure. This was long ago, but she reminded him of that note and he said yes he wants that kind of friendship (in an email). I think he was just being nice, but that haunts me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 10:28pm
I think you and I are living a symbiotic life..

I wrote into this forum a few weeks ago about this same problem that I am having with my boyfriend's ex... Let me tell you, it is not the easiest situation to handle. You want to trust them, but you dont want to be a fool. You dont want to be jealous because then he will call and email her when you arent around, which means that he will begin hiding things from you.

It's really hard and the best advice is to continue with therapy and try to trust him. Like I said, I am in the same EXACT situation and can't seem to get over it. I asked my BF to quit emailing and calling them out of respect for me and our house. I refrain from having my ex's call our house.. so should he. It is a respect issue, plain and simple. If he gives you that " oh, but she is a friend" crap, then ask him how he would feel if you had exes calling you all the time. NO man wants to hear that his GF is recieving phone calls and emails from their exes.

I am going to keep an eye on your situation.. any advice given to you is advice given to me.

Good Luck and I hope it works..

if not, castration is not out of the question! :) just kidding

all the best

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 1:12pm
Short term, inbetween counseling ideas - first let me say that I can't blame you for feeling the way you do, especially the way he handled her because in trying to let her down gently, he lied to her, led her on, sent her mixed messages and basically didn't let it be known how important his relationship with you was to him. That leaves a lot to be desired in my book. So add that to your issues (as you have definded them), the fact that someday he wants to *be friends* with her, I would surely wonder about his motivation. Her feelings were more important than yours for those 10 months. I can understand how you feel. He wanted to be seen as a *good guy* and didn't want to be labeled as the *bad guy* in their break-up. He had a great need to be approved of (by her) and wanted her to think he was oh so nice. He didn't do her any favors in the long run.

As far as them being friends in the future....cross that bridge when you come to it. It's a polite thing for them both to say right now, but it doesn't mean it will ever happen. Remember she has a lot of healing to do.

Ok, enough about them. For you, start journal writing. Vent on paper how you feel, why, etc. Even write her and him (separately) UNSENT letters expressing your anger and rage. Get it all out. Write as many as you need to, daily if need be. Then burn them.

If you would like a forgiveness form letter to write and burn, email me at onetwinflame@hotmail.com

My best to you.


Carrie