is it even worth trying at this point

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2003
is it even worth trying at this point
3
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:32pm
Hi, I'm jen. I am 27 years old, divorced once and remarried (less than a year ago) I have a 3 year old boy from my first marriage, and 3 step kids from my husbands first. Throughout our relationship I have had a huge jealosy problem over my husband and his ex. First off he broke up with me twice while we were dating to try to reconcile with her, and she flirts with him all the time (even after we got married) She has said from the begining that she had a sign from god saying that the 2 of them will be back together someday..... well, the jealousy is pretty much the only thing we ever fight about, and even then it is an argument that last a short time, we usually go off to do our own things, and withen a couple of hours are cooled down and talk calmly. It always ends with us having an aggreement and both being happy again.

2 nights ago my husband and I went to dinner and a movie, he didn't seem himself, and when we got home I asked him to talk about it BIG MISTAKE!!!!!! It turns out that his ex just told him that she was finally over him and serious with another guy, and she expects him to propose over new years. Now my husband is thinking of divorcing me to give it one last try to reconcile with her (he hasn't told her about this as far as I know) He said there was only a 1 in a million chance that she would even give her a chance, but he is ravaged with guilt over the way he treated her (not giving the relationship full effort) and he says there is a huge void in his life where his "family" used to be. He says that as far as marriage goes he is happier with me than he ever was with her, but the fact that he is not with his kids all the time (they stay with us about half the time) makes it a wash. He says that over the last year he has grown alot as a person and could now learn to be happy with her.... he says that I am the reason he has grown so much. He assured me that I am a wonderfull wife, and he loves me very much, but his "family" is just more important than that. I think he is an idiot for throwing away what we have on a chance that she might even give him the time of day. (I did convince him to go to marriage counseling starting tomorrow as a last ditch effort)

My question really is this..... how do I get over the hurt if he does choose me? I feel like he has done this so many times, where do I draw the line? I love this man with all my heart, and I love his kids, so I do not want to quit, but am I dooming myself to a life of insecurity if I stay??

thanks

jen

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:36pm

Gosh, that must be incredibly painful and I'm so sorry for what you must be going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:37pm
Honey...if he does "choose you" - it'l be because you're his second choice, and he was rejected by hi first choice.

End this...and move on with your life.

He didn't get with you because he loves, admires, respects, and accepts you for who you are as a person...you were a distraction, diversion, a source of adoration, cmpanionship, fun, and sex....but he's sitting here with a child with you saying "now that she's not unconditionally adoring me I want her back because I have a void of not having my kids with me all the time."

Get out of this....it's got heartache written all over it for you.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:07pm
Jen,

You poor thing, my heart goes out to you. I think the counseling will help you but not in the way you're hoping. I have to agree with doubleblade, you should really run before you get hurt more. Although your husband deserves some credit for being honest, as a lot of men wouldn't, you deserve someone who puts you first. Even if he chooses you, do you want to spend the rest of your life with the realization that she was his first choice? Find yourself someone that has no doubt about his commitment to you. You'll be much better off and so will your son. Good luck.

B.J.

Mommy to Samantha Renee 12/11/04