Question: Can drinkers really stop?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Question: Can drinkers really stop?
8
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:43pm
I went out on a few dates with a guy who on our last date stated he drank every day. This did not sit well with me. When he called me the next day to say what a great time he had, I asked to speak with him face to face. I then told him as kindly as possible that I didn't want to get involved with someone who drank everyday. I explained to him why, and told him that I would never try to change someone, but I know that someone drinking daily is not something I myself cannot handle in someone I am seeing. He said he couldn't understand why I wouldn't give him a chance to take me out again. I wanted to nip-it-in-the-butt before I became too involved. I was trying to be as kind and gentle as possible, and stated it was my preference, and that I wasn't trying to say what he was doing was right or wrong, but of course nobody likes to hear things like that. We both agreed at how much we enjoyed each others company, and I also told him that he is truly such a kind hearted, caring, respectful and great person to be around (He really is). We also both felt like there was something special between us. But, I won't date him again because of the excessive drinking.

People have said to me that people have been known to stop drinking to be with someone they care about. Does this really happen? Does anyone know of anyone who stopped, for good, because they wanted to be with someone? And, if they did stop, did the person who stopped ever get angry with the person they stopped for and talk about the "sacrifice" they made to be with you? You always hear about how they stop, but always go back. I know it is something that the drinker has to want to do for themselves. Friends of mine who know him say that he is someone who might just do that because of the way he feels about me. However, I know better than to get my hopes up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:47pm
From a drunk in recovery.....no, nobody stops drinking that prioritizes drinking, becuase of "someone else" - either to be with them, or because they ask it of them.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 2:49pm

Some alcoholics are able to stop drinking when the consequences of drinking become too painful or difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:40am
Sheri,

Thanks for the advice and congrats on being sober for over 9 years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:45am

He is not going to stop drinking for you.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:13am

Alcoholism is an illness and requires serious and steady treatment. It's not just that he might "want to stop" for you - (and yes, of course, he must want to stop for himself) - but even if he does want to stop for himself he needs to realize that it doesn't happen because he wants it. He must join AA, go regularly, get serious and disciplined about it. AA is a wonderful program for helping those with this problem and they also have a group called Alenon for girl friends and families of alcoholics. They can give you more guidance and direction about this situation. Also, it takes time, patience and a lot of endurance. So, become educated about the reality of his drinking problem and see where he really stands regarding this. If he's serious about it, he'll get going right away. Don't hang around hoping and wishing things will change.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 5:06pm
The question for your friend is: is he an alcoholic? Why does he drink every day? There are a slew of questions in AA literature that can help him determine if he is an alcoholic. I know it would be difficult or awkward for you to suggest AA to a man who is not your husband or even your boyfriend. But if he really wants you in his life, he might be open to the conversation. Try it if you feel comfortable doing so.

It's possible your friend is not an alcoholic. I know people who drank and did drugs every day for a while, and then one day decided they wouldn't partake any more. They stopped for various reasons...

But the one thing I can say with certainty is that your friend will not stop doing ANYTHING, especially drinking, if he doesn't want to. You may or may not be the motivation your friend needs to put the bottle down.

The thing is, he will pick it up again if he wants to. You have no control over that. If he's an alcoholic, he needs therapeutic help to get sober and stay that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 6:41pm
Drinking every day doesn't necessarily make him an alcoholic but the behavior does bother you so I agree that you should nip it in the "bud" now or you will resent him for not changing for you.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 5:27pm
I just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to give me their opinion. I truly appreciate it. Thank you all.