Who should make the "make up" call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Who should make the "make up" call?
9
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 3:40pm
Sorry for double-posting.

My boyfriend and I had a disagreement on the phone last nite. He didn't do anything wrong really, but he was being annoying. He has this habit of *scolding* me about various things in my life that are in disarray. In this case, he had started to lecture me about not refilling a prescription.

So anyway, I was tired last nite from shopping all day, and when he started to lecture I snapped at him. He got insulted and then got off the phone quickly. Earlier in the conversation I had gotten on his case about saying sexual things to me. I was not in the mood for his "jokes." But I could have said so a little nicer.

Why did this have to happen right at Christmas time? I want us to make up but I don't know whether I should be the one to call. I was only a little more wrong than he was this time. Normally, I go ahead and call. But we only recently got back together and the break up was his fault. The reconciling was his idea too. So for that reason, I believe he should make all the effort. If I call him, I may lose ground. But I don't want to lose him either.



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:27pm
there's no "ground" to loose but a guy if neither of you want to make a call first. since you want to be with him, and feel bad for what happened, then just say "sorry". don't let stubborness get in the way. many of us are trained to hold values and principles, but less the mind games the better. just be straight forward and tell him how you really feel.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:42pm
IMO a relationship shouldn't be viewed as a game or strategy where you lose ground if you show weakness. Many a good thing has been ruined by stubborness and too much pride. Of course, a really good relationship is one in which BOTH people feel that way and it's a give and take, where neither is always the first one to make the move, but it's a shared responsibility.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:40pm
Thanks to everybody for your replies.

Intellectually, I understand that relationships should not be about manuevers and being careful about *winning* and *losing.* But hasn't anyone ever heard the sayings "Love is a battlefield" and "All's fair in love and war?"

And I definitely agree that no one person should do all the giving. But when it comes to men, women have to be especially careful. It is so easy for them to take us for granted. Until we get engaged or married it almost seems like we are forced to give less and be less open about our feelings than the man. We call it protecting ourselves.

Ordinarily, I would go ahead and call my boyfriend and bury the hatchet. But like said before, I just let him back into my life after he caused our breakup. He is supposed to be making things up to me right now!

I'll wait it out tonight. I'll figure out what to do if he doesn't call tomorrow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:42am

Perhaps you should try being in an adult relationship.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:18am

There's no real rule about who should or shouldn't call to make up. If you want to feel good about things before Xmas, then give him a call. However, a relationship shouldn't be about "losing ground" - one being on top and the other underneath, or being dominated. For the relationship to work, things should be mutual and fair. You should be able to communicate openly, to both hear and listen to one another. If you tell him that it bothers you to be "scolded" for not doing something, then he needs to hear this and give you your space to make your own choices. You also need to find ways to express your feelings towards him lovingly. Relationships are a process. They take time, patience and work. Both parties need to understand this and be willing to make the effort. It's well worth it.


All best wishes and happy holidays. By the way, I suggest you get a copy of my book Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love, which discusses these issues in depth and includes many wonderful exercises that you both can do to make things better.


D Brenda Shoshanna

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:37am

What happened in the past between you two is the past and should have no bearing on whats going on right now. Im not a supporter of a BF taking

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 11:47am
What is really going on here? Why did you break up and how have you two changed to ensure that getting back together would be worthwhile?

It sounds like you are still harboring resentment and have some problems with the way he treats you. Are the sexual jokes and 'scolding' something that need some real attention here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 3:57pm
I must echo what has already been said.

You both lose the longer the fight goes on.

There are things you are sorry for. You should call him now and tell him how you feel and apologize for what you feel you did wrong.

Love should not be a battlefield. It's about openness and honesty not about who wins and loses. If one of you loses you both lose. The idea is for both to win.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-24-2003 - 7:58am
"Is it better to be right or to be close?" (or instead of right "in power"). Think about it.