Help me save my relationship!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Help me save my relationship!
3
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:02pm
I've been in a relationship for two years now. We have lived together most of that time. Recently we have been arguing more than ever. We literally lived in a room, with no space and nowhere to go. He has never hit me, however I get violent with him and he reacts. I know that it is unappropriate behavior, but I guess what I'm battling is whether or not it can be saved. You see I've elbowed him in the ribs when I was angry, and he did it back, no worse but he didn't want me to think I could get away with that. Last week we were laying in bed, I was in a bad mood and a fight struck up over the channel on the TV. He then laid on me to annoy me but also to be cute and I pushed him off of me. He thought I punched his ear because there was a loud pop so he grabbed my arms and dug his nails in. Then he started to pack his things and we are now seperated. I am living at my parents and he is at his. We can be very verbally abusive too. We say such horrible things to one another. You need to understand that non of this is meant literally. I don't mean what I say and vice versa. Now we are both miserable because we are without one-another. We worked so hard at keeping this relationship alive. We've even spit in each others faces before. If we had more room I know that it would never escalate like that. If I need privacy, I can't get it and vice versa. Now that we are away from each other its terrible. I told my friends about the grabbing my arms and all the stuff I told you. Now they hate my boyfriend and he wants nothing to do with them. I don't know how to fix that. Who knows if my relationship will even last, we definitly need couples councling. We both want it to work, but how do we make it work, the violence and the threats need to stop, I want everybody to get along and everyone to trust me with my own life decisions. How do I do this? Do you know of anyone who went through a similar experience, and if so what was the outcome? Thank you so much for your time, I really need some advice ASAP. I know love isn't enough but our love is so strong and I think it's worth saving. How do I do it? I am seeing him tomorrow. Let me know if there is anything I should know or prepare myself for. Thanks again.

AnaLee9

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:32pm
Hi,

You two BOTH have some issues to work out. Counseling MIGHT help - but I would recommend you two dont continue to live together until you get this violence resolved.

Regardless if you stay together - you need counseling. Being that aggresive towards someone during an arguement is not healthy. Verbal abuse should also be addressed. This is not the correct way to handle your relationships.

I get the whole "play fighting" thing totally. My df and I do it quite often - he might be at the fridge looking for something, and I come by and "shove" him away - we never hurt each other - and its all in fun. As far as fighting for real - we both have quick hot tempers - but we manage - if it gets too heated - we go to our seperate parts of the house - I usually cant remember exactly what it was that made me so mad once i take a "time out". Name calling - hmmmm hate to admit that i have gone their before. Spitting on each other??? In this lifetime??? NO WAY!!!!



Take a break and get some help - both of you. I know you think you love him and maybe you do - but this is going no-where and will only escalate as time goes on. Please let us know what you guys decide to do.

Thanks for reading my response,

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 1:09am
Your post reminds me a lot of my life.. Sometimes I still fathom to think that me and my dh are still together.. this has been our first year of marriage and we both have made a lot of mistakes along the way.. we've both been physically and verbally abusive and half the time it gets to that point only because he gets in my face when I try to go my seperate way and cool off.. there's still no excuse but I understand the frustration you and your are going through.. especially with a smaller space.. I'd like to say me and my dh have calmed things down (and we have in a big way) but things still happen here and there.. it's a process.. it's not for all relationships though, some just shouldn't be but if you know that deep down your SO is a good man and that this behavior of his (and yours) isn't the norm then there is a chance.. my dh is a very good man and I know that there aren't many like him out there, which is why I try and stick it out.. we always say we need a bit of counseling but we've never really gotten around to it. If we did I think we'd be doing just fine but, it's all about being aware of your self-control.. I would be totally fine if he would just let me walk away but he never does so I think that's half our problem.. If you do decide to re-work this and move back in with eachother try calming yourself down when things get heated by going out for a drive or a walk. Go to a favorite store and browse or anything that involves your hobby.. that way you've had time to digest the situation and see if it really is worth arguing about.. apologizing when you know is necessary is also a big part of patching things up.. I don't usually like to admit that I'm wrong but saying sorry says something about one's character.. that they're not really "holier than thou".. I hope this reply wasn't too terribly wrong but, I'm just trying to share the things that I'm trying to do to better my relationship.. I'm awfully young and I only planned on being married this once so I'd hate to throw it down the drain over little quivels.. talk it out and see where it goes.. communication really is the key..

Toodles, ladiechef

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 4:49am

hi analee-