Confused...but I want her back

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Confused...but I want her back
1
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 4:42pm
Hello All..

Looking for some help..some kind of sound advice that does two things for me: 1.Gives me the sense that I'll be alright so I can let go of this worry and scared feeling and 2. Some kind of plan or direction to take that will benefit me the most.

I was with a nice girl for a long time..4 years since we were 16. She recently broke up with me because she wanted to "live her life", before getting married or serious. She wanted to experience other people and other relationships, etc. Back then when she did this I didnt understand as well as I do now. I can see the logic and maturity in it, but she just handled it the worst way possible leaving me in the dirt and kicking me while Im down. We had a great relationship until she started to feel pressured and crowded and then slowly we died. Our love for each other was strong, but she just began to not pay attention, take me for granted, etc.

The break up was tough and we semi kept in contact but we went off and did our own things. Shes had a couple of relationships and so have I. It hurts to know this for both of us but Im able to deal with it. She is not. Now that time has past she wanted to try and work on things with us as she said she didnt realize what she had and how much she loved me. I agreed to start hanging out again and our first week was great but then our past caught with us. She continued to bring up old events and she continued to bring up the fact that I was with other girls. I would come back with what she did to me and it would just make it 20 times worse. Because of this, ugly little fights would continue to creep up and it both killed our spirits. Shes a very very insecure person and its hard for her to deal with. In a second I could turn around and say in my head "The past is tha past..cant be changed..live for today...let it go...and get along." I would try to get along but in when we have problems her action or solution is to run away. She would leave my house..get someone to pick her up....not talk to me...avoid coming over, when I would ask to do something it would be no or she would ignore me...etc etc.

Now were in a jam. I dont no how to treat the situation. I dont know whether to ask her to do things...avoid her....pamper and spil her. I just dont know. I have made the choice to no matter what bring up the past anymore, and if she were to I would immediately change the subject or do something to not let a fight happen. I love her very much and now that we have gone off and done our own thing it would be nice to try to be "us" again. She claims shes happy, sad, angry, worried, scared. I understand completely because in some ways I am as well. I just dont know how to handle it as I dont want to hurt her, and I dont want to allow her to hurt me.

Any advice sure would be great cause I really need to start thinking positive again. Thanks so much

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 8:28pm
Have you considered couple's counseling? It might help put things in perspective.


Carrie