Would you give me a second chance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2003
Would you give me a second chance?
20
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:35pm
Hi everyone! I need some honest advice from you. My ex and I are in the process of reconciling and we are looking at getting back together. Things were going great until this past Friday, when my ex gets a call out of the blue from one of our mutual friends. He refuses to tell me who it was. This "friend" proceeds to tell my ex that 2 summers ago, when we had first started seeing each other, they snooped in my personal e-mails and found and read several e-mails I had sent to the guy I had been seeing previously to my ex. We were broken up completely, but we were still meeting for lunch on occasion, and still e-mailing on occasion. In the e-mails, I had signed them "Love, (my name)". Granted, I didn't love him anymore *that way*, but would always *love* and *care* about him. We had continued to e-mail & see each other once in awhile as friends for the first several months of my new relationship with my ex until I stopped seeing him altogether. This mutual "friend" told my ex all of this. My ex was crushed, because he had asked me if I was still having contact with this guy at the time, and I had lied and said no, not wanting to hurt him because it was nothing more than friendship. I know it was wrong to lie about it, and I apologized profusely to my ex. But I also reminded him that that was 2 summers ago, and a lot of things have changed since then. I NEVER cheated on him, and that e-mail correspondence and friendship was the only thing I had ever concealed from him. My ex tells me now that he doesn't know if he can ever trust me. He says that since I lied to him about that, how does he know whether or not I'm telling the truth about being faithful to him. I really don't know what to do and what to tell him. I love my ex with all my heart and want things to work out for us - how do I prove to him I'm trustworthy?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 5:52pm

It would be tough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 12:29am
In two years, your BF should have realized that he can trust you. OK, you lied in the beginning of your relationship, and that was not a good idea. But you have been honest ever since. If your BF cannot see that, maybe this is his problem.

On another note, what is all this about? His 'friends' snoop in your e-mail, which is *illegal*, and tell him what they found only two years later? This is really fishy. If my BF came out with a story like that, I'd tell him "Look, with these wonderful snoopy friends you have, if I had lied to you about anything else in two years, they would let you know." I would have a serious problem with hanging out with someone like that. Your BF accuses you *without* telling you where the info comes from, so you cannot confront them for violating your privacy. This is a very serious issue, much more serious than lying early on in the relationship about an ex. If your BF does not see it, maybe you are better off without him. Watch out. How do you feel about the fact that your e-mail can be read at leisure by someone else you don't even know?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 1:15am
i totally agree with both sheri and gunnercade...

the one thing that struck me when i read the post was that her boyfriend ought to have more of a backbone... when this mystery "friend" decided TWO years later to blab and cause trouble, her boyfriend could have simply said, "that was two years ago, man, i don't want to hear it."

but no. he has to believe this malicious crap that has no bearing on the past two years and make a huge "trust" issue about it. his friend is being manipulating and isn't really doing this guy any favors... and to listen to all that crap enough to grill your girlfriend about something that happened two years ago that has no

seems to me that the point to his not wanting her to have contact with her ex back then was so he could see her without having to worry about interference... well, he got it, didn't he? she ended it... the ex wasn't a threat, wasn't in the "picture"... she was loyal to this new guy...

so now he's making a big deal that she emailed or called a few times when he thought it was over? it WAS over!!! it's not like the ex keeps popping up, he's been gone for two years. so they exchanged a few emails back in the day and the ex has never been an issue since... that was the point. i don't see that she betrayed the new guy.

should the "lying" matter? i think that's a grey area... the lie seems miniscule to me compared to the results - and add two years onto that and i think he's overreacting and should tell his friends to mind their own business in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:39am

Wow, if my wife was seeing her Ex behind my back regularly and sending him emails to him and keeping in touch with him, AND directly lieing to my face when I ask her point blank if she is still seeing him I would be upset as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:45am
My thoughts on this mystery "friend":

Either...

1. There is no "friend". Your boyfriend is the one reading your emails but doesn't want to admit it. Or...

2. It's a girl with ulterior motives- to hurt you or get him? This whole thing sounds like a catty thing to do.

The biggest issue here is not YOUR loyalty but your boyfriend's. He is keeping the truth from you- he has NO right to yell at you for a white lie two years ago! He is being a hypocrite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:49am
It's my understanding that she has not talked to this "guy friend" in the past two years. So it's really none of her ex's business. And I don't think they're married, just dating. There's a big difference- a husband has a right to know a lot more than a boyfriend does. A boyfriend does not need to know every single detail of your life. That's too much intimacy for someone you're just dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 8:59am

I am sorry, but a white lie is not hiding an entire relationship from your boyfriend. She did allot more than just send a few emails, she sent more than a few emails and went out to lunch with him on more than one occaision and considered him a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:04am
Isn't that really jealous thinking? I certaintly don't know every time my DH talks to or emails his female friends. It wouldn't even occur to me to insist on knowing- that just sounds too controlling to me.

I think you and I are getting 2 very different pictures on this. I see it as she wanted to cut it off totally with the male friend and did. You see it as she was sneaking around behind her boyfriend's back.

I think we have to wait and hear more from the OP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 9:13am

We were broken up completely, but we were still meeting for lunch on occasion, and still e-mailing on occasion. In the e-mails, I had signed them "Love, (my name)". Granted, I didn't love him anymore *that way*, but would always *love* and *care* about him. We had continued to e-mail & see each other once in awhile as friends for the first several months of my new relationship with my ex until I stopped seeing him altogether


This is why I am getting that opinion of this situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Tue, 12-23-2003 - 10:23am
It sounds to me like the "friend" is really your boyfriend snooping in your emails. What an invasion of privacy! He has probably been reading all the emails that you have ever sent or received for the past two years!!

If I were you I would:

1) change my computer password and email passwords immediately!

2) change the password on your voicemail and cell phone (if he snooped in your email, it is quite possible he is listening to your phone messages too, especially if he had access to your passwords)

3) I'm saving the best for last..."DUMP THE GUY"

P.S.: You can call your internet provider who can tell you who is accessing your email. Don't be surprised, I could bet that it is your boyfriend. This happened to someone I know.

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